so don't ask if you don't want to know
Posts tagged parenting
Dear Ann Romney,
Apr 13th
No matter how you try and twist her words, Hilary Rosen was right – in context. Nowhere did she say being a stay-at-home mom was something to be discounted. The point she was making was that you have never had to make that choice so you’re hardly the epitome of a woman who has had to make the hard choices most women have to face today.
I’ve been both a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, depending on the economy and my husband’s ability to make ends meet for the family by himself. Sometimes I didn’t have a choice. In my life our family has been homeless multiple times and we owned a home for a few years. Life for most women is a roller coaster of financial stability. You have always had that financial stability. You never needed to make that hard choice to leave your children with others and make a buck on your own. You don’t have the life experience to represent women in general. You live in a dream world.
I’m willing to bet you’ve always had health insurance (including dental *gasp*) and have never had to decide between making the mortgage payment and getting your kid’s teeth straightened. Well, my kids never got that choice. The few times my husband had a job that even had dental my kids were lucky to get checkups and fillings, period.
My children are grown and their financial stability is worse than mine ever was. My oldest son is raising a daughter on his own, working what is considered a great job but with no benefits. His daughter gets limited health care through the state. My second son is a married veteran going to school and neither he nor his wife have jobs. With one car and poor public transportation options it’s hard for them both to work. My daughter is a single new mother with no job. Where do the young go to find jobs that pay enough to cover child care AND the rest of the bills?
Your idiot husband seems to defer all women’s issues questions to you. Great plan for a supposed future President, right? The way he tells it, you seem to think all women care about is the economy and gas prices for our SUVs to take the kiddies to soccer practice.
Well let me ‘splain something to you. We don’t give a shit about gas prices. They are what they are on any given day, a minor blip. What we want is affordable health care. What we want is freedom to make decisions about our own bodies. We want equal pay for equal work. Come out of your rich lady bubble and look around. Walk up to women in their jobs (without someone prepping them first) and ask them what they think is important. Not pretty career women, I’m talking about the cashier at the grocery store… if you, you know, actually go into grocery stores. I’m talking about women police officers, women day care providers, women teachers. Women under incredible stress to keep their families under a decent roof, eating healthy meals and at decent schools. Women without rich husbands. And not just mothers. There are many women out there without husbands and children who would just like to make a life without constant daily struggle.
How many houses do you have? There are thousands of homeless women out there that would just like a safe place to sleep. How many people on your staff? Other women would love to have someone to clean while they’re at work but do everything a stay-at-home mom does plus work. How many cars do you have? My daughter drives her baby around in a clunker with bad brakes but to her (rightly so) it’s more important to spend what little money she has on food and rent than car repairs.
Pshaw on your stay-at-home mom claim. When you’ve gotten down on your own hands and knees to clean toilets every other day, when you’ve told your child you can’t afford new school clothes again this year or you discover you’re pregnant again and can’t even afford a doctor’s visit to confirm it and you certainly don’t want to add that burden onto the family you already have, THEN you can raise your stay-at-home mom claim. You? You’re just a rich lady who never had to make the hard choices.
Look, you’re fortunate to have a rich husband. You’re fortunate that you can do all that fancy shopping and hair and nail salon stuff. But there’s a reason the rest of us call you the 1%. You’re so far up your own pedestals you have no clue how the rest of us live. So shut the fuck up. You know nothing.
Get out, talk to poor people. Volunteer at a homeless shelter (without the press) and take time to get to know folks who actually work for a living. Spend an afternoon looking on the Internet for opinions that aren’t Republican. Take a walk on the dark side. Adopt an inner-city school and provide it with supplies and a visiting doctor. Fund vaccinations for the poor. Take 10 poor kids to a dentist for tooth repairs. Ask women who go to Planned Parenthood why they are actually there instead of listening to the rhetoric regarding abortion statistics. Get dirty. Spend a month without staff. Do something useful rather than pretending your patronizing prayers work miracles, because they don’t.
We both know you won’t.
Debbie Walker
Disable veteran, mother of 3, grandmother of 2
Stereotypes
Apr 4th
Today’s FUCKed up parenting story:
Girl forced to run 3 hours dies
The gist of the story is a 9-year-old was forced to run for three hours as punishment for having lied to her grandmother about eating candy bars. In the heat, in Alabama.
There are many conclusions you can draw from the little article based on these key words:
- double-wide trailer
- dirt road
- bi-polar and alcoholic
- Alabama
Where does your mind go? What assumptions do you make based on stereotypes?
Then there are the comments. *sigh*
I’ll tell you what, it appears to me grammar ability can be correlated to religiosity. I graduated High School but never went to college and I can put together fairly decent sentences. Sure I don’t have perfect grammar but I’m well above the average Internet commenter, especially the religious ones. Just read through those comments! Or comments on any story with god people and you see they are often barely comprehensible. And I’m stereotyping based on my own observations.
So you have the guy who states the obvious statistical probability.
Trailers, booze, and let me guess, probably a lot more religion than brains.
Followed by over a hundred comments on just that line alone. He’s offensive/he’s likely right. From god saved the child, then god didn’t save the child from the pain but she’s in a better place now, to there is no god. There’s the usual MY religion wouldn’t hurt a child that way so they can’t be real christians followed by those who snarkily point out the bible says it’s fine to kill your own child for misbehavior.
Way more stereotypes based on a small article that actually doesn’t say anywhere the religious preferences of the FUCKed up parent. More assumptions.
We all make assumptions based on what information we get and often we end up being right. But there are times when people get railroaded on the Internet based on that same small amount of information. There are still questions about what happened to Trayvon Martin. All over the web both sides are posting semi-related “information” about the boy, about Zimmerman and even about the police there. Where is the truth? Speculation and out-right lies. I mean somebody has to be lying.
What if Trayvon wasn’t the stereotypical young black man in a hoodie? What if he was a good boy doing no wrong? What if the young girl above was a brat and lied all the time and this 3-hour run was an extreme punishment after several attempts at other corrections? Or was she a constantly abused innocent with a masochistic grandmother.
The point is, we don’t know the whole story. The Internet has become a shouting match for people’s opinions based on stereotypes and personal history.
Take a second next time you type up your outraged comment. Do you really know the whole story or are you just blurting out based on your own stereotypes?
Girl Scout Cookies
Jan 23rd
There’s been quite the controversy going on with the Girl Scouts lately. You can look it all up, but the gist is Colorado GSA allowed a transgender 7-year-old boy to join their local troop. Other troops across America have been quietly doing the same. Then apparently something called HonestGirlScouts.com got all offended and one teen GS posted a video calling for a boycott of cookie sales because OMG! Boys in the Girls Scouts!!!!
Honestly, I don’t know shit about transgender people. I don’t think I’ve ever actually met one. But if you’ve opened your eyes at all lately you would see more and more differences in children are becoming… mainstream? Not quite the word I want. Out-of-hiding? Whatever, we can find out more about different people easier if we want. One of the things you can learn is few of these differences are by CHOICE.
By the time your child has a mind of their own, you know you can’t change them. If your darling daughter hates pink, no amount of paint and glitter will make them girly. If your son prefers to play barbies with the girls, no amount of punishment will make them a football player. Kids are what they are. I can only assume transgender is the far end of the tomboy or (what some people would call) sissy-boy spectrum. So it stands to reason if your son turns out to really, really want to be a girl, you should make their life as easy as possible. That’s our jobs as parents, right? To make our children’s lives as great as we can all the while teaching them not to be serial killers by killing their little souls. You can’t beat it away.
Some Girl Scouts get it. If the boy-born is to all intents and purposes a girl, then they are a girl. If your daughter feels more like a boy, then support that.
Why would anyone spend their entire parenthood forcing their child to be something they’re not? It’s not like these kids do it all just to piss you off. If your child wanted with all their heart to be something acceptable – like a figure skater or hockey player – you’d be damned sure out there getting them to practices, paying for lessons, freezing your ass off, whatever.
So anyway, this came up on my facebook, originally posted by HGS as reasons why you should boycott Girl Scout Cookies.
You can click on it to make it big enough to read if you haven’t see it yet.
I was a Girl Scout and a leader when my daughter was a Girl Scout. I think there are a lot of good things about Girl Scouts. And this stupid graphic makes me more determined to buy cookies in support of Girl Scouts of America. That is, if I hadn’t already ordered a whole case and I can’t afford more than that. If you’re local to me I can send you a link to a local GS I know and you can order YOUR cookies online in support of Girl Scouts today.
Don’t let the misinformed bigots win. Buy your cookies, and if you don’t want them – donate.
Why people might think you’re a bad parent
Jan 19th
Let me start by saying this: At one time or another in my parenting life I have likely done most of these at least once.
- You are out in public (business, grocery, etc.) with your kids improperly dressed. The biggest faux pas is a kid in just a diaper, but I’ve recently seen kids without shoes. Not only is that just plain tacky, what if your car broke down and you all had to walk? Along with that, ratty hair and snotty faces. C’mon, I know sometimes you’ve just picked them up from daycare and you’re stopping for essentials on the way home, but take a moment to make sure they’re somewhat presentable before you enter a store.
- Your child repeatedly attempts to get your attention and you’re oblivious. Mom, mom MOM, Mommy? Pay fucking attention! It just takes a moment to answer their request, or to ask them to hang on a minute if you’re actually busy and not just perusing the jewelry counter. Give them that moment.
- Your child is running loose in a store like a wild animal and you’re nowhere to be found.
- Your child is screaming and/or crying and you’re not handling it at all. If your choice is to ignore the tantrum, at least have the decency to take your battle out of public.
- This one bugs me a lot: Child A does something to Child B and Child B retaliates and you either only see the second part or believe the wrong child. Again, you’re not paying attention. Sometimes observing your children without their knowledge teaches you a lot about how they interact and who is usually the instigator.
- You yell at your child in front of people. A tight grip and a lowered voice work better and draw less attention. Or you threaten over and over and never follow through.
Been there, done that. Except the running around the store thing. My kids ALWAYS were right near me in the store or they didn’t go. If I had a bunch of errands to do and they had to behave they got equal (and I mean to the minute equal) time at the nearest playground. One of the most important lessons my kids learned was there was a time and a place for behaving and for play.
Some “parents” just don’t give a shit. You know those that yell at their kids like dogs and drag them everywhere without a thought. Some parents are just having an off day and certainly wouldn’t want that one bad moment to be a reflection of their overall parenting. I get that, but to me they all look the same.
By the way, to those who bitch about a happy laughing or squealing child being too loud? Fuck you, the opposite behavior is much much more annoying, so get over it.
Another Parenting Tip
Dec 2nd
Having been a victim of child sexual abuse there’s something I taught my children:
YOU NEVER HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH ANY ADULT.
There is safety in numbers. There is safety in witnesses. If your teacher wants to talk to you alone, insist on someone else being in the room. If your principal calls you into his/her office alone, insist on the door being open or another staff member being present. If ANY person in authority wants to see you alone, you have my permission to politely request there be a witness or refuse to comply. If you’re uncomfortable with someone then tell me. If Mr. Whosywhatsis gives you the creeps then you have my permission to avoid him. This includes coaches, cops, church people (when they visited their friend’s churches) or anyone in authority.
There’s no reason to be rude about it unless and until it becomes confrontational. There are ways to protect yourself without being a smart-ass about it. Be calm but firm, and if you get any crap about it insist that I be called in.
Sorry sir, it’s a family rule. Period.
Because you never know. Women have been married to pedophiles and never knew, people have worked alongside these monsters and never had a clue. Children are the least capable of determining character and are easily convinced of a person’s charm until they are backed in the corner and it’s too late. Pedos are slick. They’re masters at being in the right place at the right time.
Those Catholic priests and the people who covered for them. That football coach and the people who covered for him. I just read another article where a manager of child actors has been accused. My uncle was a deacon in his church and has two adopted children – the adoption process scrutiny should have found something but it never did.
Never leave your child alone with anyone especially if they don’t want to be there. If they say they don’t like the babysitter, find another one. If their relationship with an adult suddenly changes, PAY ATTENTION to why. The child may be afraid or not have to words to explain, but figure it the hell out before you let it go.
Yeah maybe I’m a little paranoid. I have cause. All it takes is a few minutes alone to change your child’s life forever.
Loose animals
Apr 20th
Yesterday I took Kira to Sea Life at the mall. I pre-paid for our tickets to save a few bucks, but It was still $28.53 for the two of us – pretty pricey in my book.
Unfortunately we arrived at the same time as a large elementary school group. I’ve been the chaperone Mom on many of these types of trips and I know, barring a few real troublemakers, that kids that age CAN behave fairly well if taught and expected to do so. In fact, teachers always seemed to stick me with the worst of the troublemakers because I could get them to behave. There were plenty of adults with these kids from Florence and yet they were the worst bunch of kids I’ve ever come across.
Most – not all – were pushing, shoving smaller children, running, screaming, pounding on the glass tanks, climbing on the exhibits, yanking on the teaching stations… generally acting like loose animals. I saw ONE adult trying to maintain some sense of order with the 5-6 kids apparently under his control. The rest of the adults pretty much stood around smiling and taking pictures using their flash – and it’s posted EVERYWHERE not to use flash photography because it disturbs the real animals.
We tried hiding in a (useless) little theater looping a SpongeBob Squarepants short about a pickle. Kids would run in and jump up and down on the seats and holler and climb over and then run out, only for another bunch of kids to run in and repeat. I kept slipping up and speaking out to these kids – NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY – but it was that bad.
What the fuck people? If kids from my school would have acted like this in public we would have immediately stopped the trip and sent them all back to the bus until they could show some control. It didn’t matter whether the child was male or female, black/white/hispanic/polka-dot, or alone or in sets, almost every kid in that group (easily identified in uniforms) was a wild freaking animal. It’s like the adults fed them sugar on the trip up from Florence and instructed them to treat the aquarium place like their playground. If I knew which school, I’d send them an email. Maybe I’ll look and see how many elementary schools there are in Florence. Can’t be that many.
We barely made it halfway and had skipped a few exhibits when Kira wanted to leave. It was just too overwhelming for her (and me) so we ducked out and went back a little later. Though it was much more enjoyable once the hoard had left, I was already worn out. And at that price, we’ll likely never go back. Oh well.
Oh, here you are!
Aug 5th
No I didn’t forget ya, I’ve just been busy and distracted. Here’s how the last week went.
Thursday Mom called to tell me my cousin Jackie died unexpectedly. Well not that unexpectedly as I had noticed she was posting hospital testing comments on Facebook. I feel bad that I didn’t pay more attention before it was too late to commiserate. Apparently she went to her local Michigan hospital thinking she was having a heart attack and they sent her to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. Nine days later she was gone in her sleep. Something to do with Amyloidosis. I’m clueless about what that is.
Friday night #evfn at Whole Foods was fun. LaDawn and I went to Yucca Tap Room but after a drink and a game of pool I pretty much dumped her there. I had too much to do and didn’t feel well anyhow.
Saturday I spent the day packing the last of my stuff and in the afternoon Casey and bunch came over to move the heavy furniture. They said they’d move it all so I left to go have my…
Debbie’s Naked Pool Party. Seriously. Excellent. Party. I had three ciders and no problem getting naked. Good friends, good party and we even recorded a show during it.
I came home to my new apartment to find that no, in fact they did NOT move everything else after all. So Sunday Ginnie and I schlepped back and forth looking for house keys and then finally packing as much crap as I could into my car before Casey and bunch came back to move the rest…
While I drove to Phoenix to bail Max out of jail. Long story I really can’t go into, but I just paid the bail and left him to find his own way home hours later.
By Sunday night – between the moving and the stress and the humidity and the dust – I was really struggling to breathe so I ended up at the VA emergency room Monday morning. I might post more about that fiasco later. A couple of albuteral treatments and I’m just fine.
Monday night I went over to CJ’s to record their show (the first half is about Star Trek TNG/the second half about their life) about our trip together to SDCC.
I think I finally have my new apartment mostly put together. I need a few things like shelves and plug thingies. Most of the sockets in this apartment are two-prong sockets, which poses a problem in our three-prong electronic world. Easy fix, just gotta do it.
Whew, I think we’re all caught up. SmallChild and her cousin are here and we’re watching Ella Enchanted for I think the 615th time.
Children's Pageants
Jun 25th
I’m watching the latest episode of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List where she and her Mom are guest judges at a little kids pageant.
We normal people know how sick and twisted it is to dress and make-up your 2-year-old and parade them like they are dolls. What are you teaching your child? Fake everything and maybe someone will think you’re special enough to win a trophy. And if you don’t win, then you’re JUST NOT SPECIAL ENOUGH. Beauty isn’t something a kid can practice and work on like sports or grades. You either have it or you have to fake it.
I’ve seen bits and pieces of these pageants on other shows. I tend NOT to watch because it’s all so… makesmesquickyinside. But about halfway through this episode they show the 4-6 year old little girls dressed up in their finery and egads… the look of unhappy desperation in their eyes as they stood there to be JUDGED by strangers! Just that 10 seconds is all you need to see if you’re EVER planning on putting your kid through this crap. Look at those kids eyes. It’s all there.
You might convince yourself that your child wants to do it, but in reality all your kid wants is your approval. Children perform for approval, and acting like they want what you want is part of that performance. If you really want to know if your kid is happy, watch them when they don’t know you’re watching. Better yet, have someone record your interaction with your child and watch it later. You’ll see truth when you’re not looking.
Cut or Uncut?
May 8th
I responded to a discussion on Skepchicks, one of my favorite sites. The gist of the discussion is The American Academy of Pediatrics creating a loophole for female genital mutilation to be permitted. Essentially, they say it’s better to do a small ceremonial nick to mollify weird religious parents than to say no and perhaps they go to someone who does the whole barbaric ritual of cutting and mutilating the clit on babies.
Cringe, gasp, and yes it’s a common practice in certain sects.
Anyway, the conversation eventually shifted towards circumcision on boys and blah blah blah. And I said:
The only reason I had both of my sons circumcised 20-odd years ago is because I preferred sex with a circumcised man and I figured their future partners would too. And my new DIL says thanks for thinking a-head!
Apparently these people don’t appreciate my sense of humor. The various replies were as you’d expect but the one that interests me is if I thought about my sons’ pleasure. No I didn’t. I have no idea whether a man feels better pleasure when cut vs. uncut. So I have a couple questions for you:
- Do you know any man who has had a circumcision as an adult, and has had sex before and after to compare?
- Women, which do you prefer?
Yay for choice!
May 6th
I have a new friend who is a proud DINK (dual-income, no kids). I say yay for her. She’s not young but not old. 30s maybe? Congratulations for getting to solid adulthood and not succumbing to the pressure to have kids.
My daughter swears she doesn’t want children. I have no problem with that. I’ve seen her around children and she’s not… real patient with them. She’d (so far) make a pretty bad parent. She’s slightly amused but easily annoyed by Kira and keeps her at arms length. Oh, she loves her but can’t wait until Kira’s older. I plan on supporting her decision to remain childless.
I have a another young friend. I’ve known her (online) since she was a teenager and knew she didn’t want children. She about bit my head off when I once mentioned that in my experience women often change their minds later in life depending on partner choice, professional success or family pressure. She’s still holding firm:
A metric SHIT-TON of people I know are pregnant or post-partum right now. And it’s freaking me out. Clearly, the only way to balance out the scales is for me to have a LOT of kinky protected sex, and then, I don’t know, strip naked and menstruate all over a Babies “R” Us or something, chanting, “TO BEHOLD MY ENDOMETRIUM IS TO BEHOLD YOUR DOOM. ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR.”
On a side note, this girl also kept me sane when my own children of the same age were getting into trouble and otherwise drove me nutso. I pin all my hopes for the future of mankind on her slender shoulders. (And I hope she doesn’t mind me stealing from her LJ as she’s vicious when provoked.)
I think no matter where my life had led had I made different decisions, I still would have wanted kids. But I completely support those who chose not to for whatever reason.
It’s all about personal choice. Women really don’t have to have children.
