I’m getting excited about my trip to Minnesota. I got the laundry done and most of my stuff packed. I may have to use the bigger suitcase.

I talked to the people at the new apartment and apparently my credit sucks so I have to come up with a bit more security deposit. The date is still on, August 8th. And I’ve decided there’s no way this carpet will ever get clean so I’m sure these guys will take replacement costs out of whatever deposit I may have had coming here. Oh well. EVENTUALLY money will loosen up.

I finished a couple of books last week. My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler was first. My friend CJ suggest it. It’s just a slightly amusing play-by-play of this woman’s one night stands. But about halfway through it just got boring and stupid. I mean, one amusing story at a time is cool, but this just goes on and on. I finished it.  The other book was Seth Harwood’s Jack Wakes Up. I met Seth a couple of times (and we twitter) and he was in town Thursday for his book signing so I figured I’d get his book. I went and we all hung out after. He’s another podiobooks.com author. I’ve completely given up on listening to podiobooks. I can barely keep up with the regular podcasts I like, much less get involved with an ongoing story.

I cleaned the nail polish off my toes last night and freaked at how long my nails had gotten. Don’t have a man around to bitch about getting poked.

I have a bit of a dilemma regarding ThatGirl. You know she skipped town with her twins and ended at a homeless shelter in Indiana. She’d ran after the wrong man online. I heard she dumped her year old twins with his Aunt and now has signed them over. The aunt is adopting one of the girls and her cousin is adopting the other, so at least they will still have a connection. My dilemma is, I feel I should contact this family and give them Kira’s basic information so if in the future those girls want to find their sister they have something to start with. I’m not sure if I should leave well enough alone… or stick my nose in. There’s no telling what the future holds and how often Casey will move and change addresses and phones so if there’s to be an information exchange it should be now. For the kids’ sake. Then again, at the rate ThatGirl pumps out babies and then abandons them, there might be a whole litter out there in a few years so why bother.

Speaking of not having a man around. I don’t know why. I get out. I socialize. People seem to like me. I have (married or too young) men friends but I can’t seem to find or interest an available guy for me. Geeze, I don’t want to get married I just want companionship or even an occasional date.  I wish someone could just tell me what I’m doing wrong.

I’ve had three different bites on my Dragon*Con tickets, yet no follow through. How hard is it to paypal $70 and your address to my email?  Today if not sooner. Really, stop saying you want my ticket if you aren’t prepared to do it right now.

I think my ex-husband got married last week.

Has-been celebs have been dropping like flies in the last few weeks. I think Americans give their celebrities way too much attention and it climaxes with their deaths. Hours and hours of TV retrospectives and gossip mongering. Okay, David Carradine died jacking off, that’s all we need to know and maybe a quick replay of his credits before winning the Most Bizarre Finale Award. We don’t need 1,867 headlines of piecemealed out “information” repeated so often that the actual facts (if you ever find them) get lost in the noise. But that was just a warm-up for the whole Michael Jackson drama. Seriously, doesn’t anyone remember the child molesting? When he bought and paid for his children and dangled one over a balcony other weird shit we’ll never know about?  Until the kids get old enough to write their own stories, that is. Although the man was one of the most talented pop songwriter/dancers in our history, he was FUCKING CRAZY. Yeah, I cut him the eccentric artist slack for a long time, but the scales were too unbalanced at the end. Maybe now the rest of his family will find some other tit to suck on. Probably Janet’s, she sure likes to put it out there.

Okay, I’m done for now. I really need to get stuff organized. Later…

Must say that since I’ve switched to my own site instead of just livejournal, I’m not as apt to be as open. Feelings schmeelings. I’ve been reading my LJ from the beginning and though 2/3 of it is useless crap, the rest is a decent history of my trials and tribulations.

There’s a certain point where posting my feelings about certain subjects pissed off a few of my “friends” and shows which people are truly friends and which are just shallow contact-counters.  One personal comment about not agreeing with a couple of unnamed friend’s lifestyle choices (which I still maintain I should be allowed to make in my own goddamn journal) blew up into the biggest online battle I’d ever been in. Sides were taken resulting in permanent breaks, and temporary walls happened. But in the long run the people I really consider friends are still around.  And the person I commented about has now discovered I was basically right and has apparently forgiven me and is back to being my friend. But I’m still gun-shy about expressing my feelings, even in my personal space. I’d love to be more supportive about what she’s going through now, but you know… once bitten, twice shy.

My readership has expanded by leaps and bounds over time and the chances that a general comment about someone specific won’t ring as many bells as it once would. Who know.

I even have to be more careful about I say about my own family. This used to be where I could let out all my anger and disgust and work out the thought processes before confronting family with a more calm and supportive face. Now I don’t know who is reading, who is reporting and who won’t understand THIS is where I say what’s impolite, what I really feel and can’t say aloud and this helps me to be nicer to their faces.

Now that I’m more social in real life, people tell me that I’m too brutal and snarky, that though I have a lot of new friends who like that I’m honest and blunt… I still put a lot of people off.

You know what? Tough shit. If your feelings are so easily hurt by the fact that I may not like something you do (or you AT ALL) that’s your problem. Fuck eggshells. I have a circle of friends who appreciate me, my family is used to how I am and the rest of you can take me as I am. I’m not curbing my comments anymore.

Fair warning.

I completely understand one mustn’t bitch about services one gets for free. Tough shit.

Over the years that I’ve been going to the VA hospital here in Phoenix things have majorly improved.  There’s no longer throngs of smelly homeless vets with their missing body parts. I dunno where they went, whether they were helped or shipped out, but they are gone.  Let’s hope they were helped out and are all better off now.  Anyway, the smell of the place has improved.  Also, the speed of service has greatly improved! Where you used to expect to spend the entire day down there waiting to see a doctor or get x-rays done, now you can be in and out in an hour.  And because of that the parking has gotten better too.

But – the pharmacy services suck giant permanently flaccid dick.  Seriously.

If you get a new prescription, you wait at least an hour.  So unless I need it to keep me alive I have it mailed.  You can order refills online to be mailed, so I guess that’s an improvement.

But – when your refills are running out, you have to wait until they’ve shipped the last refill before you can request more refills. And for some-odd reason I have three “in process”, three more that have ONE more available refill, and two I can order and yet I can’t just call and have them ask the doctor to give me another year on them all.  They have to keep bugging him, he has to remember to allow, and THEN they’ll send them to me.  No fucking wonder it takes them so long.   It’s not like I take amphetamines or anything, these are asthma and high blood pressure meds.  No big deal.

Originally, you could set your appointments up a year in advance.  I’m required to come in for a yearly update with my primary care doctor and another yearly appointment with my Gyno every April.  I used to set those appointments up yearly and get a reminder letter and it worked fine.  Now you have to remember a year later to set up your own appointment (which doesn‘t coincide with when my medication refills run out dontchaknow) and now I have to remember to make an appointment in May.

My memory sucks.  I’m assuming it’s an issue with years of not getting enough oxygen with my asthma or maybe the years of steroid use.  I used to have a fantastic memory and I’m not old enough for it to be senility, so I’m blaming health issues.  Whatever.

AND THE HOLD MUSIC!  This deserves an OH MY GOD.  The same crappy jazzish song over and over for. ev. er.  We hates it yes we does.  I really wish I could record it and share.  After being forced to listen you’ll  have that shit looping in your head for days.

Okay, bitching done.  I feel better now.

Fine, I’m not fat. I’m chunky, big, chubby, overweight, padded, etc.

Why?

I don’t necessarily overeat, but I don’t make the best choices. I love mac and cheese, pizza, chipped beef in gravy, sausage-egg-cheese biscuits, clam chowder, onion bagels and cream cheese, cheesy sauces and pasta, etc. These are meals I tend to eat the most of. I’d love steak more often if I could afford it. Not a big fan of vegetables unless they’re covered in cheese. And I’m allergic to most fruits. Throat swelling and minor anaphalactic shock, or maybe anaphalactic startle.

I don’t get a lot of exercise. I lay (lie, shit I can’t remember which is correct) awake at night and swear the next day I’m going to get off my lazy ass and do some leg lifts and sit ups. Then I fall asleep until the next night to have the same conversation with myself. To be fair, with my asthma there’s very little exercise I can do. Hell, walking upstairs leaves me breathing hard. A brisk walk of any distance turns me into a guppy. I once joined a water aerobics class that I loved, but the instructor asked me to leave because I’d use my inhaler at least three times in a 45 minute class. Made her nervous I guess. I do park further away from my destination when the weather is cooperative. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally lazy.

When I think about my body image, I’m not chubby. Of course, I’m not svelte either. I imagine myself decently proportioned for my height, thinner and confident, attractive even. Then I pass by a mirror and see myself and think, “oh shit, look at those rolls! See how round your belly is, suck that shit in! And your ASS!” I don’t even look at my face anymore. I doodle with my hair and scan to make sure there are no boogers or dirt spots on my face, but I don’t wear make-up specifically because I don’t want to see myself close up.

I like the person in my head. I just wish the person in the mirror would match.