Let’s see how much my old brain can remember about that fateful night exactly 21 years ago.

I woke up exactly at 2:00am and I knew. I woke Buck up and sent him across the street to wake up the neighbors. We didn’t have a phone and we needed to call Mom to come stay with the boys. While he was doing that I packed up a few things and as soon as she got there off we went.

We hit the hospital, were rushed upstairs to the birthing unit and they practically threw me up on the bed. The nurse did a quick check and with wide eyes called my doctor to hurry up. I was already 9mm dilated. The nurses got busy doing all the prep stuff and like, 10 minutes later my doctor strolled in and checked me. Then his eyes got wide and he made some comment about barely making his pay with me. Down goes the bottom of the bed, up goes the stirrups and the pushing commenced. I do remember noticing the line of ants crawling up the wall, a bit distracting. And then 2 hours and 11 minutes after I woke up*, there she was. She was perfect!

She was 6lbs, 6oz and perfectly healthy and we named Virginia Lynn Walker, Virginia after Buck’s dying Mom and Lynn after my best friend from high school. I always wanted to name my daughter Shelby. Oh well. Because of the ants, we were moved to another room. I was already up walking around and had my shower before Mom got there. She had to take the boys to school and literally ran to get there before the end and oops, too late. I got a kick out of that.

I can’t find any newborn pictures. I think I already gave them all to Ginnie.

So now she’s an adult with a baby of her own and working hard to make a good life.

I love her so much. Happy Birthday baby girl.

*Isn’t it nifty how I can set this to post EXACTLY 21 years to the minute after she was born, even calculating for DST?

Time to update my tattoo.

Let me start with this: The reason I have not mentioned this publicly is because up until she left the hospital without him, my daughter planned to have the baby adopted. Very few people even knew Ginnie was pregnant. Immediate family and close friends is all. I didn’t even tell my parents until this last trip to Florida – because the baby was to be adopted out.

So last Wednesday morning (7:51 am) after an almost easy and very quick labor/delivery Ginnie had a perfect baby boy she named Jack. I was there to help her, her boyfriend on the other side and his mother standing by. (Yes, I got home from Florida just in time.) He’s beautiful. The adoptive parents came in that night and everything was on track until Ginnie left the hospital without Jack on Friday. Friday night was tough and by Saturday afternoon she had decided to keep him.

My heart breaks for the wonderful couple who planned to adopt him. And… although I think this is the worst decision of her life, I’m resigned that it IS her decision and resolve to be as supportive as I can. Her boyfriend’s family is thrilled (they were against the adoption from the beginning – hence my frustration this whole week with the pressure they were putting on Ginnie and BF) and they have committed to support Ginnie and BF financially until they can do better. For now I’m just waiting to see how this works out.

But like I said, he’s a beautiful baby. Very quiet and content and when he can keep his eyes open he’s paying attention to what’s going on around him. 6 lbs 13 oz and a 9.9 Apgar, as close to perfect as you can get.

This is going to be an interesting ride.

I once worked with a woman in Florida who didn’t know how to drive. She and her hubby worked at the same place so he did all their family driving. And she’d never written a check before either. I was astounded she was perfectly happy letting him do everything for her. And it wasn’t a religious family thing, it’s just the way it was. I asked her what she was going to do if something happened to her husband and she just smiled and said her son would take care of her. She was in her mid-40s at that time. How sad is that?

Right now I know someone struggling with the leap of faith to leave her abusive husband. I know it’s scary to claim your independence but do you see the years ahead under the control of someone else?

I tried to raise my daughter (and my niece when she was with me) that is was perfectly fine to want a man but you should never need one. You should be able to take care of yourself and then add a partner, not depend on someone else to take care of you. Someone having control over you is a scary situation.

I woke up a few years ago and got my own independence back. I don’t think I actually depended on him, I just got too comfortable in that relationship and forgot who I was. Sure it was a difficult decision. Financially if I’m careful I’m fine, but all those things you think you need a man for? You really don’t.

I wish my friend would take her leap. She has a safety net with her children until she can set up her own independence. She’s a beautiful intelligent woman who loves to cook. I’m sure someone would hire her.

I wish my daughter would stop depending on a man to fulfill her. I guess the spoiled baby girl part of her missed the be independent message. She has all the skills to be a whole person on her own but she seems to have this need to have a man right there all the time. Or at the very least find one who can actually, you know, take care of her instead of wallowing in her laziness with her.

You have to be a whole person by yourself then find someone to share space with.

I’m the happiest I’ve ever been now that I’m taking care of myself. Yes, I’m lonely for the companionship of a man who likes me, but other than that I’m doing spectacular alone! I’m not sure that if I found someone to be with that I’d give up my independence again.

I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right for one human to be under the control of another human being. Adults anyway.

Well… nuttin much.

Firstly, don’t post anything about Carol Channing. Seriously. I’ve gotten more pingbacks on that one simple snark post than anything I’ve EVER posted. Those Carol Channing fans are paying attention. Geeze.

And then, I ended up in the emergency room AGAIN Monday night. That’s 6 asthma attacks severe enough for medical assistance since last January 1st.

Then there was the continuing arguments with GirlChild. She finally got off her ass and completed the paperwork to start classes next week. Still no job but at least she made a move. She apparently whined at her brother and he told her tough shit. Grow the hell up and get a friggin job already.

I’ve applied for a new apartment back in Mesa on Gilbert Road. They haven’t let me know for sure but I think it’s a done deal. Moving February 7th if you’re not doing anything. *hint hint* And it’s a one-bedroom so NO KIDS moving with me.

I’m still perusing craigslist for RVs for sale. I wandered into a couple of dealerships and they’re all “you can’t finance anything older than 10 years and you need at least $20k down” so that’s not going to happen. If I get lucky I can find someone who will let me take over payments. Like when pigs fly.

Let’s see… what else.

I was supposed to have a meeting tonight to start a new business. I’m being pushed into it after a nonchalant conversation with a friend. I mentioned I’d like to start a business using my podcast producing skills in a different way and he jumped on it. Rounded up a couple of other people and we were supposed to hash/hack it out but he’s sick. Maybe next week. I’m actually getting pretty excited about it.

I think that’s it for now.

So a couple of days ago I got fed up and screamed – out of the blue – at Ginnie. Stop stinking up my house with your smoke, stop leaving the kitchen gross and get a fucking job by the end of the week or get out. Period.

I just went off like a bomb.

Big life-changing trip across America? Not so much.

Every day I mention job. Every day I ask her to do something around this house. Every day I say something about her animals eating. She’s just full of excuses. “I’m applying online” “I’m waiting until…” “I don’t have any clean clothes” “I don’t have bus money”

And yet when the boyfriend has money they eat it or smoke it. Actually I don’t have much of a problem with him as he gives me money for rent. He’s working and earning his keep. SHE is not.

Yesterday she spent the entire day out because her ex-boyfriend is in the hospital. I don’t care. Another wasted day.

So at noon today I called her out of her room and asked her what she was doing? Playing some stupid game, but she said she was applying for jobs online. Lied. I asked her if she didn’t believe I meant what I said. That’s when the no clean clothes excuse came up again.

“You should have thought of that when you went to McDonalds or bought your pot. Or the daily allotment of Tilt (or whatever her Four Loco replacement is) or ran back and forth wasting gas on nothing.”

And then I called her a prostitute. All she’s done in the last… since graduation is live off whatever boyfriend (or me) who will pay her way.

Well that effectively ended today’s screaming match. She stomped off crying and I feel like shit, but I’m sticking to my guns.

She’s fucking 20 years old. Long past time to be taking care of herself.

By Sunday she either has a job or she’s out. And I’m killing her goddam phone while I’m at it.

No I didn’t forget ya, I’ve just been busy and distracted.  Here’s how the last week went.

Thursday Mom called to tell me my cousin Jackie died unexpectedly. Well not that unexpectedly as I had noticed she was posting hospital testing comments on Facebook. I feel bad that I didn’t pay more attention before it was too late to commiserate. Apparently she went to her local Michigan hospital thinking she was having a heart attack and they sent her to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. Nine days later she was gone in her sleep. Something to do with Amyloidosis. I’m clueless about what that is.

Friday night #evfn at Whole Foods was fun. LaDawn and I went to Yucca Tap Room but after a drink and a game of pool I pretty much dumped her there. I had too much to do and didn’t feel well anyhow.

Saturday I spent the day packing the last of my stuff and in the afternoon Casey and bunch came over to move the heavy furniture. They said they’d move it all so I left to go have my…

Debbie’s Naked Pool Party. Seriously. Excellent. Party. I had three ciders and no problem getting naked. Good friends, good party and we even recorded a show during it.

I came home to my new apartment to find that no, in fact they did NOT move everything else after all. So Sunday Ginnie and I schlepped back and forth looking for house keys and then finally packing as much crap as I could into my car before Casey and bunch came back to move the rest…

While I drove to Phoenix to bail Max out of jail. Long story I really can’t go into, but I just paid the bail and left him to find his own way home hours later.

By Sunday night – between the moving and the stress and the humidity and the dust – I was really struggling to breathe so I ended up at the VA emergency room Monday morning. I might post more about that fiasco later. A couple of albuteral treatments and I’m just fine.

Monday night I went over to CJ’s to record their show (the first half is about Star Trek TNG/the second half about their life) about our trip together to SDCC.

I think I finally have my new apartment mostly put together. I need a few things like shelves and plug thingies. Most of the sockets in this apartment are two-prong sockets, which poses a problem in our three-prong electronic world. Easy fix, just gotta do it.

Whew, I think we’re all caught up. SmallChild and her cousin are here and we’re watching Ella Enchanted for I think the 615th time.

I’m very proud of my kids. All of them. Yes I make comments and sometimes talk about this dumb thing or that bad move, but all-in-all my kids are doing well.

Sure, in the grand world their accomplishments might not make a blip. My kids will likely never be professionals making big bucks. Never be doctors or lawyers or ever wear button-down shirts. But you know what? Who cares.

My oldest son is raising a daughter on his own. He gets up every day and makes sure she’s clean and fed, learns manners, gets exercise and not too much TV. He talks to her and plays with her and makes sure she’s in good hands when he needs a break. This child is never mistreated. I’m very proud of him as a parent. He’s struggling financially because he can’t find a decent job that will pay enough to put her in a GOOD daycare, so he chooses to stay at home and make the best with what he has. No matter how he’s tried to get his life together, he can’t catch a break. But does he give up on his child? No, she’s his life. He’s a better parent to her than I was to him at the same age.

My second child was recently in the Army where he served his country with pride. Now he’s taken a job he hates so he can support his wife. They’re living in a house with two other families and still barely getting by. But he’s not angry or bitter. He just keeps looking ahead and making plans for his future.

My daughter is trying. Her dreams have been sidelined for the moment, but she’s taken steps to get back on course. She’s working and living on her own.

We’re not a dirt-poor family. I’d say we’ve always tried to stay (at least) lower-middle class. We’re not white trash. We don’t go hungry and we keep up our homes and pay our bills. At the moment all of them are free from legal issues and have drivers licenses and insurance. Hey, this is a huge accomplishment from 5-6 years ago.

All three are taking steps to do online college classes starting next fall. I don’t know if they’ll follow through but I’m proud of them for trying.

In my world they are all accomplished. My kids didn’t have advantages. Yes I expect more, but for now I’m proud of how much they’ve grown. They still make mistakes, but who doesn’t? And though the boys have had problems with the law it was never anything serious. Stupid shit but never hurting other people. They’re all GOOD people always willing to help each other and their friends when they can.

I love my family.

Successful camping is when:

• Nobody gets hurt
• Nobody goes to jail
• Nobody wrecks their vehicle*
• There’s still beer in the keg

So, Casey/Jake/Ginnie/that other guy went out early Saturday morning to grab the space and the rest of us didn’t get out there til after 4. Of course, nobody told me we were going that late or I would have done things differently. Last I heard, everyone was meeting at Max’s around 10. Shit, I was there, but for various work/jail/overslept reasons, we didn’t leave til 3 in the afternoon.

We went to Sycamore Creek (33°41’36.07″N 111°32’24.49″W) and had a great open space to set up. Shane’s truck with all the stuff had a bit of a mechanical problem on the side of the road but with a bit of finagling, he got out there eventually. There were 19 of us around a giant bonfire, one keg, three grills, and 6 tents.  And Ginnie’s dog.

I got to shoot a 9mm, didn’t have to cook or be responsible for anything and tried desperately and mostly succeeded in NOT being everyone’s Mother. They all called me Mom, but I didn’t ACT like one.

The few pictures I took with my phone are HERE on Facebook. My real camera died and my DROID, though awesome, doesn’t really take good pictures.

I couldn’t keep my feet warm in the sleeping bag so I didn’t sleep well. I’d taken an extra blanket but Ginnie didn’t bring anything to sleep in so I let her have it. My brand spanking new blow up mattress didn’t fucking hold AIR so that goes back today. Cold out there by the water. Other than not being able to sleep I had a really good time with my kids and their friends. Glad I didn’t take my car as the dirt road out there has been washed and rutted pretty badly by recent rains. Also glad the proposed second night stay was vetoed midway through Sunday morning.

*apparently after I went to bed at 1am a couple of the guys got in a fight and zoomed out in their vehicles. One kid hit a tree, but didn’t really do much damage to his SUV (or himself) but they all came back laughing at his stupidity which ended the fighting part.

We’ve often had this value vs. worth vs. cost conversation in my family.  The kids and I went to yard sales almost every Saturday morning when they were younger. In an effort to teach them value and thrift we’d discuss at length what people at one sale would ask for an object because we’d see it at another sale for a different price. It’s not what the price is that matters, it’s what you’re willing to pay for it. Some people having yard sales over-price their item when the item has no value to anyone else. Value is personal to you, and would the price of VALUED ITEM A be worth the cost.

1stSon is the get-rich-quick kid, always asking, “what can I get for this?” He’s also cheaper/thriftier than I. Where I’m picky about which off-brand items I’ll buy, he seldom buys name-brand anything.

2ndSon on the other hand, goes for the label. Every item of clothing he owns (outside of what the Army made him wear) has Oakley or Tap Out or DC all over it.

GirlChild? Well when she has money she’s thrifty most of the time. She does splurge on Victoria Secret bras. And she prefers to eat out a lot, as do I.

There are some things one shouldn’t go cheap on. I refuse to use anything other than Dawn dishsoap. You MUST have at least 400 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, seriously. Never ever buy cheap sheets, you’ll thank me later. With food, I’ll try off-brand things, but I usually end up as cheap as my taste buds will allow. I’m not eating crap to save a buck.

Value of things is harder to identify. The value of an object usually has a direct correlation to the cost of replacing it. I have a couple of Firefly/Serenity items and my Anne McCaffrey books where I’d be upset if anything happened. Of course photos of my family have value to me. But mostly stuff is just… stuff.

I won this comic book (signed by one of the artists, Jay Fotos) last night. I’ve never been a comic book person and I’ve no interest in that whole world. Other people at the event were very impressed which led me to believe there was value in this object. Someone even mentioned eBay! Seriously? I won’t bother with that but I would gift it (as an object of value to them) to someone who would appreciate it, but my non-interest in comic books means I’ve no idea which of my friends would… appreciate it, that is.

(Bad sentence structure there, I apologize.)

What do you place value on in your home? I guess it goes back to the old question, “If you had 10 minutes to leave your home forever what would you grab?” What items do you splurge on?

Spent a couple of days at Dad’s until I just couldn’t stand the fleas anymore. Poor old guy. For whatever reason they don’t bite him so he didn’t notice how bad it was. I have flea bites on both legs and arms and across my chest. And Casey had to repair the toilet in the back bathroom too. Dad never uses it so the old thing just crumbled from the strain of all of us. Apparently all the guts just disintegrated.

• Dad is watching Hannity. I get extra points for keeping my mouth shut.

We’ve never agreed politically. We just don’t talk about stuff because every time he opens his mouth I cringe and laugh and he’s so damned serious about his opinions! Republicans.

We spent a couple of days at Mom’s too. She mentioned she had a TV in the trunk of her car so Casey tried to install it for her, but she decided that flat screen wasn’t big enough so they traded up. This comes from a woman who is so old school she never even had a VCR.  Oh right, there was a new DVD player to hook up too. And what is the only DVD she bought in preparation for it?

• Someone kill me. Mom is jamming to Gaither Gospel Hour Christmas in the Country. Seriously, how did I come from these people?

Mom likes gospel. When the fuck did that happen?

We went back to Dad’s to finish up fixing the toilet:

• My father has provided my children with moonshine. Things are getting more interesting.

Strange night. Dad was uptight that I’d posted that and I tried to explain that anyone who follows me doesn’t care and would cheer them on and that nobody is going to hunt him down for breaking the law. Moonshine law? Who the fuck cares? Casey and Ginnie weren’t impressed by it anyway so after one drink we left. No, I didn’t try it.

As tourists, we went to the beach and watched these guys try to dig out a backhoe that had tipped over. Kira played (hands and feet) in the cold gulf water until she turned blue and we finally left. The next day we went to Mote Marine and saw sharks and turtles, jellyfish and a dead giant squid, manatees and dolphins. Kira’s convinced the dolphins were talking to her. Driving to Mote we passed some sand sculptures that had been there a while. Lots of pictures in my flickr feed so check those out.

Did another elderly breakfast thing. You have to do one of these sometime. You sit at long tables and eat stale donuts while they do park announcements, introduce visitors, sing some old songs and raffle off prizes. Three of them. Casey won $7 and Ginnie and I both won SBA dollars. Luck of the draw! Quaint. Casey went out to Bingo with Mom one night and to a casino on another.

The kids think Mom is great! She’s funny and nice and pays for everything, but they don’t have the history I do. Can I forgive and forget the years of verbal and physical abuse, being told everything I do is wrong and stupid, the sarcasm… and just accept her as she is now? I don’t know. My sister holds a grudge like nobody’s business but when it’s convenient for her she acts like nothing happened. I don’t think I hold a grudge as much as hold people accountable for their actions. If they own up I’m all about forgiveness. Food for thought.

Bill is the same, blows up in nastiness at the slightest provocation, hates black people, yells at Mom over his own inadequacies, etc. She keeps saying this or that food will kill him and I keep suggesting she let him eat whatever the hell he wants, preferably that which will kill him, hello?

• Raining again. The so-called sunshine state has sucked for sunshine this whole trip.
• Son, convinced Krystal is White Castle, has sidelined us in a cheeburger frenzy. After tasting, I’m not impressed.
• Interesting name for a salon: Whack-A-Do.
• 24 miles and we’re in Louisiana. Kids are debating New Orleans on a Friday night. It’s 40 degrees and raining so I vote no.
• 100 miles to Texas. Can’t wait! I just LOVE Texas! /sarcasm
• fucking Texas has the women’s potty locked for the night.
• Found potty. Switched drivers. At mile marker 822 now. *sigh*
• I’ll be passing @aranel13‘s house in a minute, too early again. Should we kill time til she wakes or fuggedaboudit?

So we left for home on Friday. Casey and Ginnie wanted to stay longer but Kira and I were done and it’s my goddamn car. We tried to meet up with @aranel13 on the way back through the Houston area but apparently she sleeps until noon or something. Hey, it was 8am this time instead of the 6am on the way out but still not late enough. We stopped at the Alamo for a while but drove straight through the rest of the trip.

• I miss my friends. Almost out of Texas and should be home late tonight.
• 50 miles to AZ! So tired. Love having multiple drivers.
• Quick shopping stop for fireworks at Borderline Outlet. Guy closed early so I called him and he reopened. Yay Droid!
• Hello Eloy. You look familiar. I do believe we are getting close to home.
• Home.