so don't ask if you don't want to know
Posts tagged family
It’s Been Awhile, Eh?
May 15th
I’ve been sooo busy. And since I can’t work because I have Kira here all week and the TV is on and the washer is running (for a clean uniform for tomorrow) and the stove fan is on, here I am.
First there was Ignite Phoenix 12 on the 4th, then a bunch of friends of Jack Mangan got together the next day.
My sister got here last Thursday and we and the rest of my family got together that night to work on banners and posters for our Music and Laughter Benefits Brittany thing. Beth got to spend time with my whole bunch. I taught about 40 AmeriCorps kids what podcasting is at Gangplank on Friday and then went to #EVFN. Saturday morning we took a drive out to Saguaro Lake and I wasn’t even tempted to leave her out there. Saturday night was spent getting everything ready for the Benefit so Sunday morning we did NOTHING. Napped even.
Sunday night. Well, I was disappointed but we still made some money. I had hoped for a couple hundred people and we didn’t come close. Maybe it was the location. Maybe it was because it was Mother’s Day (which I don’t give a shit about) or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. My friends Tyler and Katie, Vinessa, Ruth, and Dani all came through with raffle items or promotion. And although some the comics were… local-for-a-reason the bands were pretty good. I’ll admit I didn’t particularly care for the screaming band, but the people that did show up seemed to like them. Oh well. We all walked away determined to try again.
My visit with my sister went better than I expected. There wasn’t any mean or snarky and we had a lot of talks. About our childhood and our parents, our kids and husbands but I never did find the right time to ask her about the big one. We skirted around about the time Brittany was here but I still don’t even have a hint as to why she cut me off for so many years. I haven’t forgotten but maybe I can just let it go for now. I told the kids I would take the high road while Beth was here and I did. Who knows how our relationship will go from here. At least we can come together for Brit.
Our kind of happy easter
Apr 10th
For the last couple of years we’ve been getting together as a family along with some of my children’s friends. We have pot-luck at a park, have activities for the kids and just have a pleasant day in what is usually a great time to be outside in Arizona.
I got there just in time to miss the water balloon fight (oh gee darn) but got lots of wet hugs. What, water balloons are egg-shaped! I grubbed up on a variety of food and watched the kids play. Daughter arrived with baby so I got to show him off and then the egg hunt started. Little Jack even got one plastic egg of his own. Kira did great too. Unfortunately some of the candies were chocolate and melty which ended up all over many little faces.
So of course I did the Grammi thing and scooped up a fingertip of melty chocolate and offered it up to Jack. His little bird mouth opened and then the little shit did the ungrateful thing. Hey, guess what? Jack has his two bottom teeth coming in and I now have a sore spot on my finger. It was adorable how he licked his chops and wanted more – of the chocolate or my finger I cannot guess.
OK so I don’t really care for other people’s children (even those I have known since their birth) but this is the one time and place where it’s appropriate for kids to be filthy and running around having a ball.
Plus I didn’t have to stay very long.
My 4th Divorciversary
Feb 10th
Brings on much introspection.
I’m so much happier. I feel like a more complete person than I have in years. I have peace within myself, I have financial stability, I volunteer much of my time, I have a great bunch of kids that I’m really close with, and I bought myself a brand-spankin’ new HDTV and a pretty cabinet to set it on.
But I have this constant nagging thought that my kids should have some sort of relationship with their father. I periodically suggest to one or the other that they should make contact. He should have some relationship with his granddaughter but Casey’s not interested. Max’s wife would like to meet Buck but Max has no desire to have that happen. Ginnie, well she has her own reasons not to. I really had no idea back when I was married that the kids were already so estranged from their father. How could I not notice? None of them want anything to do with him. Maybe I’ve painted him badly here but he really wasn’t a bad person. Just set in his ways and distant. Sort of anti-social. It was only in the last few years that the drinking (and the personal shit that went with it) got too bad for me to tolerate.
So… is it just because of some old-fashioned blood-is-thicker-than-water reasoning that I keep pushing this? I mean, I still maintain a relationship with my mother and I don’t even like her. Or maybe deep down I’m just proving to myself that it’s not my fault they’ve chosen to cut him off. My issues with him shouldn’t be their issues but apparently they have issues of their own.
Whatever, I wish I could let it go. I’ve always thought that blood didn’t mean anything to me but that’s not how I act. I wish I did. Maybe it’s too ingrained by society.
Other than that I’m doing great.
Holiday Newsletter
Dec 20th
Short and sweet, I promise.
Casey and Kira are doing great. He’s got a really good job and Kira is in kindergarten. She turned 5 in September and never stops talking. The hair? Well, he thought by showing up with his hair like that he’d get out of family picture day. No such luck. I get to have Kira overnight a couple times a week and she’s just now starting to get interesting as a person. We do have some good times.
Max and Krystal are doing well also. They have 2 cats and no plans for children. Max is going to school and working part-time for now. In another year he’ll be done with school, working full time and planning on buying a house. Krystal works too and is hoping to go to cooking school when Max graduates.
Ginnie and her boyfriend Tyler had a baby this year. His name is Jack and he’s wonderful. They are for the time being living with Tyler’s mom so there’s always someone around to take care of Jack but have plans for their future.
I’m still the same. I volunteer for various events and go out every week with friends but I still am alone or spending way too much time with my kids. With the economy the way it is, they can’t do well without help. We’ve ended up very close so I guess I’m not as alone as I thought.
Oh sweet jezuz
Aug 31st
I’ve been made her executor. Had to be reminded that it doesn’t entitle me to execute her, though the thought has crossed my mind a time or two.
She bought a crap cell from Walmart last year and forgot to buy minutes for about three months. It sits in a drawer. “It’s too hard to figure out!!11!!Y” So I got her a new cell phone and added her to my family account. We’ve spent a few snippy hours going through the basics and I remind her every time we go out to bring it along – to get her into the habit. Tonight she went to the 7-11 for coffee and didn’t take it. I know this because the house phone rang and she was calling me to see if I needed anything – using the 7-11 phone. So now we’re REALLY going through and learning all about the phone.
FRUSTRATION!
Is it really that hard to learn how to use a low-tech, barely a phone cell phone? Am I so over-techie I can’t relate? It’s fucking 2011!
I also let her know she can turn off her computer. She hasn’t touched it since I was here last November but it’s still on and flashing all it’s annoying lights. What a waste. I’m not sure I have the patience to tackle learning the computer too.
BTW, you can’t put a 100 watt bulb in a 60 watt socket and expect it to last long. I’ve swapped out a few around here.
Then there’s the collecting of soda can pull tabs. She has hundreds of people collecting soda can pull tabs for her all over the place. Everywhere we go someone hands her more. I explained about Snopes and how the whole pull tab story is bullshit, but she’s convinced turning them in someday will give someone free dialysis time. Whatever, I’ll let her have that dream.
I’m going nuts here.
What Did I Do Wrong?
Aug 10th
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out where I went wrong with my kids. There are certain things you try to teach them while you have them and I thought I did a pretty good job! But my adult children are struggling – not as successful as one would hope.
I taught them to take care of themselves. To cook the basics, clean, do laundry, use thrift in shopping (but not too thrift, some things are worth paying a bit more for) and all those other basic things one needs to survive.
I taught them to help other people. To be aware of others around them and to behave appropriately in any situation.
I encouraged them when they tried new things. I attended every band/orchestra concert, play, and sporting event.
I paid attention to their schooling. I attended every student/teacher conference and helped with homework when I could and nagged them to do it every day. I volunteered at their school and got to know their teachers – at least in elementary school. By middle school none of them wanted Mom around, you know.
Their father taught them by example what work ethic meant. He went to work every day and worked hard no matter how much he hated any particular job. He had job loyalty. He took excellent care of his tools.
I’ll admit when I started parenting I made a ton of mistakes. I was a screamer and a spanker. Poor Casey caught the brunt of my ineptitude. But by the time he was 6-7 I’d settled down and tried to correct my mistakes. Was that too late?
I never coddled any of them. When one got hurt you either shook it off or dealt with it appropriately. (Maybe I should have been more concerned when Ginnie complained about her wrist for days – turns out it was actually broken.)
My kids weren’t spoiled. I laugh at labels (yet Max can’t buy anything without a label on it) but I did manage to keep them in new clothes when they needed them. Paying for college was never an option but we often discussed the military and/or how to get alternative financing.
I taught them to be responsible for their mistakes. I bailed them out of jail, but they were responsible for their fines. I stood next to them in courtrooms. I never gave them money to get out of legal trouble.
I think I was a good example but I listen to other parents gloat talk about how well their kids are doing and I just don’t get it. The law of averages dictates any family has one (not failure, just not as good as they could be) screw-all kid, but none of mine will ever be successful. They will struggle and fight for everything in their lives.
Where did I go wrong?
What a great weekend!
Jul 24th
Which actually started Friday. I spent a nice day with Kira, dropping her off just in time for #EVFN. We tried a new place this time, Flanny’s, and though we ran out of room in our reserved area, it worked out just fine. From there some of us had an impromptu #DNPP. What a great bunch of friends I have!
Saturday I woke late, did some work, took a nap and headed out. Went to a friend’s backyard party where the only people who talked to me were the few I already knew. Which was fine – lots of little kids to watch (when they’re still cute) and interesting food I wouldn’t eat.
After that I headed to the Torch Theater where my friend Tyler joined the improv group to tell a few stories. Now that was fun.
It wasn’t that late so I went to Max and Krystal’s to hang out by the pool and have a late dinner. Came home and went to bed at 4 and slept til noon today.
I love my life.
About Manning Up
Jul 21st
I was in a conversation last night wherein someone threw my “I wish they would man up” comment right back at me.
Jerk.
Just kidding. He’s absolutely right.
Here’s the deal, #2 son has driving issues. I won’t go into them here (believe it or not I do respect other people’s business) but I’ve had similar issues in MY life. So he’s been taking my car to school every day this week. It’s not that much of a bother to me as I spend most of my time sitting at home anyway but it’s just another thing, ya know? He needs to get to school so I let him use my car. I could “man up” and say no, then he doesn’t go to school, fails and never gets a decent job. The boy ain’t taking the bus (it’s way far) or the bus-train-bus thing either. No car, he doesn’t go. Period.
The other son has a great job but his hours are horrendous. He has to be at work by 4 am which means every day is a struggle. Where does Kira go for the day? There are no day cares open at 3:30am, we’ve looked. I take her once or twice a week, his other friend does too when she’s not busy, and a neighbor takes her when she doesn’t have to work. But it’s all so irregular and not really good for Kira. She spends the night (who wants a knock on the door at 3:30 am) everywhere and anywhere. There’s no stability. He’s doing the best he can! What’s the answer? They keep telling him they’re going on midnights, but that’s been the word for weeks. So, he’s manned up by getting off unemployment but this great job is killing him.
The girl… well I absolutely can’t go into her issues here – but let’s say she’s doing the best thing for a shitty situation.
I wish my adult children were better off. I want to advise, but I don’t unless they ask. I want to push but they’re adults. I want to be more done (I know as parents we’re never really done) than I am at the moment but they still need me around. At what point do we get to be the occasional helper instead of always on call?
I don’t understand it. At my youngest’s age I was on my own, married and taking care of business as I should. I’ve raised them to be independent, and yet they can’t seem to get there. Is it the economy? Are other young adults having this much trouble or just mine? It seems so simple: find a good job, a decent place to live, and GTFU.
Independence
Jul 7th
I once worked with a woman in Florida who didn’t know how to drive. She and her hubby worked at the same place so he did all their family driving. And she’d never written a check before either. I was astounded she was perfectly happy letting him do everything for her. And it wasn’t a religious family thing, it’s just the way it was. I asked her what she was going to do if something happened to her husband and she just smiled and said her son would take care of her. She was in her mid-40s at that time. How sad is that?
Right now I know someone struggling with the leap of faith to leave her abusive husband. I know it’s scary to claim your independence but do you see the years ahead under the control of someone else?
I tried to raise my daughter (and my niece when she was with me) that is was perfectly fine to want a man but you should never need one. You should be able to take care of yourself and then add a partner, not depend on someone else to take care of you. Someone having control over you is a scary situation.
I woke up a few years ago and got my own independence back. I don’t think I actually depended on him, I just got too comfortable in that relationship and forgot who I was. Sure it was a difficult decision. Financially if I’m careful I’m fine, but all those things you think you need a man for? You really don’t.
I wish my friend would take her leap. She has a safety net with her children until she can set up her own independence. She’s a beautiful intelligent woman who loves to cook. I’m sure someone would hire her.
I wish my daughter would stop depending on a man to fulfill her. I guess the spoiled baby girl part of her missed the be independent message. She has all the skills to be a whole person on her own but she seems to have this need to have a man right there all the time. Or at the very least find one who can actually, you know, take care of her instead of wallowing in her laziness with her.
You have to be a whole person by yourself then find someone to share space with.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been now that I’m taking care of myself. Yes, I’m lonely for the companionship of a man who likes me, but other than that I’m doing spectacular alone! I’m not sure that if I found someone to be with that I’d give up my independence again.
I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right for one human to be under the control of another human being. Adults anyway.
She’s dead to me now
May 25th
I’m done. I’m not even pretending I have a sister anymore.
Not that she’s acted like a sister in oh, I dunno… YEARS! But this is the last straw. She kicked her daughter out on the street (again) with no warning but a “Get the FUCK out of my house NOW!” for simply posting on Facebook that she was spending time with her son.
I knew this adoption was a bad idea. It was wrong. I said that Queen Bitch legally adopting her grandchild after taking the kid away in the first place would cause Miss B lifelong grief. I said that going that far would take away the main reason Miss B would have to get her shit together. And despite that, she has. She got away from DanTheAsshat, has a great job and is going to school. She’s happy and doing great, and celebrates that baby. She completely understands she’ll never get that kid back, because the adoption was pushed through when Miss B was still the underdog. But he’s still her son. It’s not like he was adopted out to strangers, in which case my feelings would be different. Did Queen Bitch honestly believe she could adopt the boy and the connection between he and Miss B would automatically change to sister and brother?
How can a mother do that to her daughter? Tough love is one thing, this is just selfish bullshit. If I were there I would be over there in a heartbeat and tell her exactly what I think of her parenting skills, her communication skills and her overall fucked up mentality. She has never treated Miss B right (including sending her to me years ago after choosing her man over her kid) and has blamed her for bullshit over the years just to… what? And then she cuts people out of her life for not treating ALL the kids equally when SHE doesn’t treat all the kids equally? Stupid deluded cunt. Every time I think about this I feel like throwing up… and then shipping it to her.
