Seriously, unless they’re flaming with feather boas (or some other obvious indicator) I never seem to pick up on it.

Not that it matters to me either way.  Whatever floats your boat you know.

It’s just that… I have a wild fantasy life… I often (more often than I probably should) make up entire scenarios about various men I know or see or pass on the street. That’s a lot of energy to waste on the few that will never follow through… not that any will ever follow through but a girl has to dream, right?

I mean, men will never know what’s going on in my head. I don’t act like I’ve set up an elaborate fantasy involving him and I in wild animalesque ballets of sex…

unless you’re reading this now

in which case I don’t mean YOU! It’s that other guy… or maybe it was you. Whatever.

The point is, even though nobody will ever know who I fantasize about, I’m still embarrassed when I find out he’s gay. Even though it’s all in my head, I feel like I’ve just been slapped and not in a good way.

There was a really attractive gentleman that came to #evfn last night. Completely out of my league – which makes him prime fodder for starring in my latest mental pornplay – and I actually asked our mutual friend if the fella was married or gay just so I wouldn’t waste my energy on him. Mental energy that is, because there certainly hasn’t been anyone my own age returning any interest in actual playing around.

Maybe I should write some of these out?

We were chatting on the show the other day and I was asked if I would DO Tim Curry.  Uh, no thanks.

My fantasy bonkage-weekend list doesn’t include Tim Curry but it does include:

• Bruce Willis, anytime anywhere. Even now with no hair.
• Nicolas Cage, if I could have had him maybe 20 years ago. Now he’s just kinda creepy.
• Johnny Depp, if he could be Sam from Benny and Joon the whole time. Or maybe Crybaby.
• Viggo Mortensen, but only as Aragorn. The real guy, not so much.
• Scott Cohen. Wolf was adorable. And an animal.
• Al Pacino, though he’s getting pretty old. Shave off a few years.
• Bruce Willis, (again, again)
• Dane Cook would be fun
• Matthew McConaughey – all day
• Richard T. Jones always made my toes tingle
• Vin Diesel, oh yeah
• Adam Baldwin at least once
• Nathan Fillion, but I actually just want to hang out with him more than bonk him, though I wouldn’t turn down the chance to do both.

I’ll quit for now. I’ll be (alone) in my bunk unless Bruce Willis knocks on my door.

I woke up this morning with a serious WTF?

I dreamed that I was taking a loaded crossbow (???) away from Kira and accidentally shot Tyler Hurst as he was breaking into my house. And then because I know Tyler, I knew the cops would never believe that it was an accident or that he would break into my house. So Ginnie and I figured out we needed to move his car (I don’t even know what he drives) and had to get the keys out of his pocket after I yelled at his dead body to get off my couch. We bleeped the cars on the street until we found his mustang hatchback (???) and drove off trying to find the perfect dumping place. Everywhere we drove there were people to notice and finally I was in a car accident with a garbage truck.

I get the garbage truck because I could hear the one picking up outside when I woke up. But the crossbow? I’ve never even seen a crossbow in real life. And Tyler? Maybe because I like him and I haven’t seen him in a while so he’s been on my mind… but breaking into my house? Sorry I killed you Tyler and then trashed your car, but the interior was already shredded when someone ripped out your stereo and speaker system.

I had the weirdest quick yet most vivid dream around 4 am.

machinegirl and was driving a red convertible with the top down and we were going down a normal street, probably Mill or Rural by her place. Normal. She says, “Garrett says as soon as I graduate he’ll finally introduce me to his friends” and suddenly the world literally ends. Like at the end of Langoliers where there’s just nothing there at the edge and you drop off into space? Yeah. We drop off, it’s all black, we fall out of the car, dropping and she’s still talking normal (but I can’t understand her) and we’re dropping into nothingness.

I woke up, heart pounding and sitting straight up. Never done that before.

And no, I didn’t even take one of those pills yet.

I just had an interesting dream.

cavaticat and I had a threesome with Johnny Depp.

As Captain Jack Sparrow.

And he was just like I remembered him.

Even Cat was impressed.

I had a dream last night where I was the parent of Keepsie when she was maybe two years old. The whole teaching her to share – being even more important considering her power – and my tone of voice, first asking her to give back Bobby’s toy, then sterner Give Back Bobby’s Toy, then downright insistent and so forth. Which turned – as dreams do – into I was writing a parenting book for parents of special children with not-so-super powers. And then I had a superpower where if I look someone in the eye, they are paralyzed for approximately 30 seconds. I had to wear tacky mirrored sunglasses so I wouldn’t like, cause car crashes (accidental eye contact with other drivers, oops!) and I would have to lower my sunglasses whenever I did want my powers to work – such as on recalcitrant children.

Of course, awakening only started the whole would that be a real superpower or just a not-so-special third wave power argument in my head. I couldn’t remember if these characters had their powers as children or if they got them at puberty or later. Imagine poor Ian getting mad at someone on the playground.

All this must mean I need to purchase the book. Another story I’m better off reading because I just can’t retain enough hearing it verbally.

But if hearing a story is good enough for you, by all means. Go subscribe to Playing for Keeps written and performed/recorded by my good friend Mur Lafferty, otherwise known as sailormur.

I’m in the back seat of one of those old touring cars, tan interior and black outside. I’m taking a hot bubble bath in an old metal washtub. Suddenly the bubbles start overflowing the tub and fill up the interior of the car and the car is getting smaller! The bubbles are almost over my head before I find the crank to open the window and get air. After I take a couple of breaths I start whooshing the bubbles out the window and I notice too late that I’ve whooshed my towel out too and it’s hanging on the parking meter just far enough away so I can’t reach it. So I slowly open the car door and just as I’m ooching around the edge of the door after my towel I hear someone behind me say my name . . .

and I wake up.

No more napping for me.

I was at some convention of Internet people and sailormur dragged me over to this table where some girl critiques websites. Apparently I had a crappy website. It was one page on something, I dunno what, so I defended it as being pretty good for a first try and not knowing what the frak I was doing. The information was all there and the links all worked it just wasn’t attractive.

Then sailormur and I wandered over to the Sheriff Joe Arpaio table where I joked that I’d had to use his website more than once to find information on my son’s arrests. He didn’t find me amusing at all, asshole. I even told him I didn’t particularly like him but I agreed with many of his tactics.

Then she dragged me outside to the patio where the real drinking was going on and that’s where I found a lot of the podcasters I’ve met over time.

Then I woke up before I got my drink! Crap.

I was at a park with lots of people around and I noticed something on a chair across this little open area. I walked over and it was a large snake wrapped around the back of the chair. Ick. As I turned to walk away it lunged at me and I managed to grab the head before it could bite me and kind of called out, “Um, could someone help me before this thing wraps around me?”

Now its an enormous boa and a couple of guys jump up and grab parts to stretch it out before it can get me and on the count of three we toss it away from us. When it lands on the grass it starts to squiggle away but everywhere its touching the grass it foams up white and there’s a sizzling noise and something in the grass it like, melting it. It starts to zip around in this circle and foam up and melt away until all that’s left is the front 6-8 inches and just as the rest of the body disintegrates it lunges at this teenage boy’s knee.

I spot a couple of cop cars across the park and try to wave them over, and this snake head is chewing on the boy’s knee and I’m trying to remember if boas have any sort of venom and he’s laughing. He falls down and is laughing hard and the snake head then zings into his mouth and down his throat. Before we can get close enough to help him, he’s swallowed it and other than a bit of upset stomach, is fine.

And the cops come up and say there are no boas in Arizona.

And then I woke up.