Max has, a couple of times now, bragged about how he has a zombie apocalypse plan. He says he’ll be the “leader” because the rest of the family either is or has dead weight. In case of zombie outbreak we should all make our way to his apartment and he’ll keep up safe…

Sure, I’m dead weight, but I’m the thinker in the family. Who had (at one time) a 72-hour kit? Mom, until the kids plundered bits and pieces out of it. Who has the car big and heavy enough to run over zombies? Mom. Who has done the research? *ahem* Mom.

He doesn’t even own a shotgun or a baseball bat or a chainsaw! He doesn’t live in a gated community so the gates could be chained shut to keep the zombies out. He doesn’t have a stash of water or food to keep us alive for any length of time. Sure, he’s a big boy and so is Casey but like me, neither of them can run for shit. His idea of a plan is to break into the WalMart down the street and steal what he needs. Right, as if all the other non-zombies aren’t thinking the same thing. And beating the zombie levels of Call of Duty: Black Ops really doesn’t qualify as preparation.

Do you have an actual zombie plan in your head? Have you made any actual preparations? Stocked up supplies? Own a suitable weapon?

My plan? Find the nearest shotgun wielding nutcase and have them blow my brains out.

Oh. My.

Well, my birthday celebrations actually started the Friday before the actual date but other than the residual bruising on my boobs, I was ready to continue.

Last Thursday was #EVTM so I went up to Liberty Market to hang with that gang and received even more birthday wishes. I have such good friends!

Friday I got up and finished packing, took myself for my free birthday breakfast at Liberty Market – yes, it’s THAT good, you go two days in a row when you get the chance – and then picked up Krystal to get the rental car. After a rough start because car rentals at the fucking airport aren’t set up for local people and we blew half an hour trying to find the right place, we scored a Charger and went back to her place and loaded up the car with their stuff. Picked up Max, had lunch and finally got on the road to VEGAS BABY! Made it to the Stratosphere just in time to get decked up, gather the troops, pre-drink and go out.

Because CJ met us there and both she and Krystal (and I) love karaoke I decided we’d go a half-block away to Dino’s Lounge. Yes, it was a dive bar but aren’t those the best places for Karaoke? We had a BLAAAAAST! Max and Casey and his friend Jeff got up and sang Happy Birthday (so did everyone else in the packed bar) and then CJ sang my favorite CJ-sings-Karaoke song, The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun, to which I got up in my drunken way and cheered her on. Then Krystal rocked Shoop. I flirted with the numerous guidos around me and got as drunk as I’ve ever been. I must’ve had 8-9 vodka cranberries throughout the night. Everyone had a great time!

Unfortunately Vegas was experiencing a surprise cold spell and we froze our asses off walking to and from the bar. Nobody brought warm clothes except maybe CJ. We’re idiots.

Speaking of guidos, Vegas is overrun with Jersey Shore wannabes but damn do they dress nice and smell good. Lots of flirting and leaning in close, but that’s all. Most of those young men were tolerant of this old bat so it’s all good.

Saturday started with buffet breakfast with CJ, Crystal O’hara and her daughter Colleen (see, I remember her name now) and Shannon – then Max and Krystal eventually showed up. Us girls then headed to the outlet mall where I tried on 6 bras and started crying cuz I can never find a bra that fits right. Poor CJ was so patient with me. Then back to the room for a nap after which we dressed up and met at Nine Fine Irishmen for the BEST DINNER EVER! I had the cider braised salmon (with a couple of ciders) and it was fantastic. Other than the food, I don’t think anyone was really enjoying the experience so we split up and went our separate ways.

Ended up back at my hotel and made CJ walk all the way to the HOT TUB!!1 only to find out they close the pool area at 6pm BOO! Who the fuck closes a hotel pool at 6pm? The Strat, apparently. So we went back to my room and dressed up again and went up to the Air Bar at the top of the tower, where the evening disintegrated even further. I’m drinking the whole time, but still. We were all getting tired and cranky by then so I gave up and went to bed.

Sunday morning we all gathered once more to watch Casey take the leap from the top of the tower. There’s video of that on my Facebook page if you want to watch.

So… there were down moments but it was mostly way up. I had the best time ever, wore make-up *gasp* and Krystal made my hair look great! I got to flirt a bit, got plenty drunk and spent a really great weekend with my sons and friends. We’re planning another family trip in November when Ginnie turns 21 and can go along.

Awesome start to my year 50!

Hopefully.

It’s been a long year, especially this last month. But I have plans for 2011.

Of course, I planned to start looking for motor homes today, but I have a sick little girl and it’s like, FREEZING outside. Arizona doesn’t really have weather so when we do it’s all extreme and shit. Yesterday people were reporting SNOW in Scottsdale and parts of Mesa. So I think I’ll wait til next week to get started.

Motor Home you ask? Well, the plan hope is to find a nice used class C motor home to live in. I want smaller space (so the kids can’t live with me anymore) and I want to travel so why not combine the two? My credit sucks and even though I’ve been excellent since my divorce I’m pretty sure my/our past history will factor in, so this whole plan might fail. But I want to try. Who knows, with the housing market sucking so bad, maybe I can find a deal somewhere. People trying to keep their house might like to dump their RV.

And then I’ll park it for the winter and travel in the summer. Sound like a plan?

And well, if that fails… I still need to get out of this apartment. It sucks so bad. If the neighbor showers or flushes his/her toilet, we have no water pressure. Fun when you’re standing fully shampooed in the shower and the water suddenly goes down to a cold trickle. Like yesterday. My lease is up February 1st.

So I’m also keeping an eye out for 1 bedroom or large studio apartments in Tempe, Chandler, or this side of Mesa. Casey wants me to move into their apartment complex. No fucking way. I’d never have a private moment again. His little friend group has taken over (4 apartments and growing) the dumpy little place and they all walk in and out of each other’s homes like it’s a commune.

A nice mother-in-law apartment would be nice. A decent converted garage apartment? Something.

I’ve been waiting all month to have the extra gas money for the driving around checking out places  part and now that I have it, I also have Kira with her cough and snuffy nose all day. And then there’s partying tonight and recovering tomorrow. And then Sunday when the world shuts down. So I suppose I can wait til next week…

So Happy New Year for us all! Okay? Please?

Oh yeah, today is Max and Krystal’s 1st Anniversary. Hopefully I can meet up with them for 5 minutes or something.

No I didn’t forget ya, I’ve just been busy and distracted.  Here’s how the last week went.

Thursday Mom called to tell me my cousin Jackie died unexpectedly. Well not that unexpectedly as I had noticed she was posting hospital testing comments on Facebook. I feel bad that I didn’t pay more attention before it was too late to commiserate. Apparently she went to her local Michigan hospital thinking she was having a heart attack and they sent her to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. Nine days later she was gone in her sleep. Something to do with Amyloidosis. I’m clueless about what that is.

Friday night #evfn at Whole Foods was fun. LaDawn and I went to Yucca Tap Room but after a drink and a game of pool I pretty much dumped her there. I had too much to do and didn’t feel well anyhow.

Saturday I spent the day packing the last of my stuff and in the afternoon Casey and bunch came over to move the heavy furniture. They said they’d move it all so I left to go have my…

Debbie’s Naked Pool Party. Seriously. Excellent. Party. I had three ciders and no problem getting naked. Good friends, good party and we even recorded a show during it.

I came home to my new apartment to find that no, in fact they did NOT move everything else after all. So Sunday Ginnie and I schlepped back and forth looking for house keys and then finally packing as much crap as I could into my car before Casey and bunch came back to move the rest…

While I drove to Phoenix to bail Max out of jail. Long story I really can’t go into, but I just paid the bail and left him to find his own way home hours later.

By Sunday night – between the moving and the stress and the humidity and the dust – I was really struggling to breathe so I ended up at the VA emergency room Monday morning. I might post more about that fiasco later. A couple of albuteral treatments and I’m just fine.

Monday night I went over to CJ’s to record their show (the first half is about Star Trek TNG/the second half about their life) about our trip together to SDCC.

I think I finally have my new apartment mostly put together. I need a few things like shelves and plug thingies. Most of the sockets in this apartment are two-prong sockets, which poses a problem in our three-prong electronic world. Easy fix, just gotta do it.

Whew, I think we’re all caught up. SmallChild and her cousin are here and we’re watching Ella Enchanted for I think the 615th time.

I’m very proud of my kids. All of them. Yes I make comments and sometimes talk about this dumb thing or that bad move, but all-in-all my kids are doing well.

Sure, in the grand world their accomplishments might not make a blip. My kids will likely never be professionals making big bucks. Never be doctors or lawyers or ever wear button-down shirts. But you know what? Who cares.

My oldest son is raising a daughter on his own. He gets up every day and makes sure she’s clean and fed, learns manners, gets exercise and not too much TV. He talks to her and plays with her and makes sure she’s in good hands when he needs a break. This child is never mistreated. I’m very proud of him as a parent. He’s struggling financially because he can’t find a decent job that will pay enough to put her in a GOOD daycare, so he chooses to stay at home and make the best with what he has. No matter how he’s tried to get his life together, he can’t catch a break. But does he give up on his child? No, she’s his life. He’s a better parent to her than I was to him at the same age.

My second child was recently in the Army where he served his country with pride. Now he’s taken a job he hates so he can support his wife. They’re living in a house with two other families and still barely getting by. But he’s not angry or bitter. He just keeps looking ahead and making plans for his future.

My daughter is trying. Her dreams have been sidelined for the moment, but she’s taken steps to get back on course. She’s working and living on her own.

We’re not a dirt-poor family. I’d say we’ve always tried to stay (at least) lower-middle class. We’re not white trash. We don’t go hungry and we keep up our homes and pay our bills. At the moment all of them are free from legal issues and have drivers licenses and insurance. Hey, this is a huge accomplishment from 5-6 years ago.

All three are taking steps to do online college classes starting next fall. I don’t know if they’ll follow through but I’m proud of them for trying.

In my world they are all accomplished. My kids didn’t have advantages. Yes I expect more, but for now I’m proud of how much they’ve grown. They still make mistakes, but who doesn’t? And though the boys have had problems with the law it was never anything serious. Stupid shit but never hurting other people. They’re all GOOD people always willing to help each other and their friends when they can.

I love my family.

Successful camping is when:

• Nobody gets hurt
• Nobody goes to jail
• Nobody wrecks their vehicle*
• There’s still beer in the keg

So, Casey/Jake/Ginnie/that other guy went out early Saturday morning to grab the space and the rest of us didn’t get out there til after 4. Of course, nobody told me we were going that late or I would have done things differently. Last I heard, everyone was meeting at Max’s around 10. Shit, I was there, but for various work/jail/overslept reasons, we didn’t leave til 3 in the afternoon.

We went to Sycamore Creek (33°41’36.07″N 111°32’24.49″W) and had a great open space to set up. Shane’s truck with all the stuff had a bit of a mechanical problem on the side of the road but with a bit of finagling, he got out there eventually. There were 19 of us around a giant bonfire, one keg, three grills, and 6 tents.  And Ginnie’s dog.

I got to shoot a 9mm, didn’t have to cook or be responsible for anything and tried desperately and mostly succeeded in NOT being everyone’s Mother. They all called me Mom, but I didn’t ACT like one.

The few pictures I took with my phone are HERE on Facebook. My real camera died and my DROID, though awesome, doesn’t really take good pictures.

I couldn’t keep my feet warm in the sleeping bag so I didn’t sleep well. I’d taken an extra blanket but Ginnie didn’t bring anything to sleep in so I let her have it. My brand spanking new blow up mattress didn’t fucking hold AIR so that goes back today. Cold out there by the water. Other than not being able to sleep I had a really good time with my kids and their friends. Glad I didn’t take my car as the dirt road out there has been washed and rutted pretty badly by recent rains. Also glad the proposed second night stay was vetoed midway through Sunday morning.

*apparently after I went to bed at 1am a couple of the guys got in a fight and zoomed out in their vehicles. One kid hit a tree, but didn’t really do much damage to his SUV (or himself) but they all came back laughing at his stupidity which ended the fighting part.

We’ve often had this value vs. worth vs. cost conversation in my family.  The kids and I went to yard sales almost every Saturday morning when they were younger. In an effort to teach them value and thrift we’d discuss at length what people at one sale would ask for an object because we’d see it at another sale for a different price. It’s not what the price is that matters, it’s what you’re willing to pay for it. Some people having yard sales over-price their item when the item has no value to anyone else. Value is personal to you, and would the price of VALUED ITEM A be worth the cost.

1stSon is the get-rich-quick kid, always asking, “what can I get for this?” He’s also cheaper/thriftier than I. Where I’m picky about which off-brand items I’ll buy, he seldom buys name-brand anything.

2ndSon on the other hand, goes for the label. Every item of clothing he owns (outside of what the Army made him wear) has Oakley or Tap Out or DC all over it.

GirlChild? Well when she has money she’s thrifty most of the time. She does splurge on Victoria Secret bras. And she prefers to eat out a lot, as do I.

There are some things one shouldn’t go cheap on. I refuse to use anything other than Dawn dishsoap. You MUST have at least 400 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets, seriously. Never ever buy cheap sheets, you’ll thank me later. With food, I’ll try off-brand things, but I usually end up as cheap as my taste buds will allow. I’m not eating crap to save a buck.

Value of things is harder to identify. The value of an object usually has a direct correlation to the cost of replacing it. I have a couple of Firefly/Serenity items and my Anne McCaffrey books where I’d be upset if anything happened. Of course photos of my family have value to me. But mostly stuff is just… stuff.

I won this comic book (signed by one of the artists, Jay Fotos) last night. I’ve never been a comic book person and I’ve no interest in that whole world. Other people at the event were very impressed which led me to believe there was value in this object. Someone even mentioned eBay! Seriously? I won’t bother with that but I would gift it (as an object of value to them) to someone who would appreciate it, but my non-interest in comic books means I’ve no idea which of my friends would… appreciate it, that is.

(Bad sentence structure there, I apologize.)

What do you place value on in your home? I guess it goes back to the old question, “If you had 10 minutes to leave your home forever what would you grab?” What items do you splurge on?

I had this conversation with Casey the other night:

C: You made pork chops?

M: Yes, I made pork chops.

C: And what are these? Au gratin potatoes?

M: Scalloped potatoes.

C: I don’t like pork chops.

M: I don’t care.

C: You should have made ham, don’t you usually make ham steak?

M: I don’t like ham.

C: Since when?

M: I’ve always preferred pork chops over ham. It was your father that always wanted ham.

C: Huh. Did you know you bought chunky peanut butter?

M: I prefer chunky peanut butter.

C: Really? Since when? Nevermind.

M: And you know what else?

(He looks at me warily)

I NEVER HAVE TO LOOK, COOK, OR EAT CREAMED CORN AGAIN!

Spent a couple of days at Dad’s until I just couldn’t stand the fleas anymore. Poor old guy. For whatever reason they don’t bite him so he didn’t notice how bad it was. I have flea bites on both legs and arms and across my chest. And Casey had to repair the toilet in the back bathroom too. Dad never uses it so the old thing just crumbled from the strain of all of us. Apparently all the guts just disintegrated.

• Dad is watching Hannity. I get extra points for keeping my mouth shut.

We’ve never agreed politically. We just don’t talk about stuff because every time he opens his mouth I cringe and laugh and he’s so damned serious about his opinions! Republicans.

We spent a couple of days at Mom’s too. She mentioned she had a TV in the trunk of her car so Casey tried to install it for her, but she decided that flat screen wasn’t big enough so they traded up. This comes from a woman who is so old school she never even had a VCR.  Oh right, there was a new DVD player to hook up too. And what is the only DVD she bought in preparation for it?

• Someone kill me. Mom is jamming to Gaither Gospel Hour Christmas in the Country. Seriously, how did I come from these people?

Mom likes gospel. When the fuck did that happen?

We went back to Dad’s to finish up fixing the toilet:

• My father has provided my children with moonshine. Things are getting more interesting.

Strange night. Dad was uptight that I’d posted that and I tried to explain that anyone who follows me doesn’t care and would cheer them on and that nobody is going to hunt him down for breaking the law. Moonshine law? Who the fuck cares? Casey and Ginnie weren’t impressed by it anyway so after one drink we left. No, I didn’t try it.

As tourists, we went to the beach and watched these guys try to dig out a backhoe that had tipped over. Kira played (hands and feet) in the cold gulf water until she turned blue and we finally left. The next day we went to Mote Marine and saw sharks and turtles, jellyfish and a dead giant squid, manatees and dolphins. Kira’s convinced the dolphins were talking to her. Driving to Mote we passed some sand sculptures that had been there a while. Lots of pictures in my flickr feed so check those out.

Did another elderly breakfast thing. You have to do one of these sometime. You sit at long tables and eat stale donuts while they do park announcements, introduce visitors, sing some old songs and raffle off prizes. Three of them. Casey won $7 and Ginnie and I both won SBA dollars. Luck of the draw! Quaint. Casey went out to Bingo with Mom one night and to a casino on another.

The kids think Mom is great! She’s funny and nice and pays for everything, but they don’t have the history I do. Can I forgive and forget the years of verbal and physical abuse, being told everything I do is wrong and stupid, the sarcasm… and just accept her as she is now? I don’t know. My sister holds a grudge like nobody’s business but when it’s convenient for her she acts like nothing happened. I don’t think I hold a grudge as much as hold people accountable for their actions. If they own up I’m all about forgiveness. Food for thought.

Bill is the same, blows up in nastiness at the slightest provocation, hates black people, yells at Mom over his own inadequacies, etc. She keeps saying this or that food will kill him and I keep suggesting she let him eat whatever the hell he wants, preferably that which will kill him, hello?

• Raining again. The so-called sunshine state has sucked for sunshine this whole trip.
• Son, convinced Krystal is White Castle, has sidelined us in a cheeburger frenzy. After tasting, I’m not impressed.
• Interesting name for a salon: Whack-A-Do.
• 24 miles and we’re in Louisiana. Kids are debating New Orleans on a Friday night. It’s 40 degrees and raining so I vote no.
• 100 miles to Texas. Can’t wait! I just LOVE Texas! /sarcasm
• fucking Texas has the women’s potty locked for the night.
• Found potty. Switched drivers. At mile marker 822 now. *sigh*
• I’ll be passing @aranel13‘s house in a minute, too early again. Should we kill time til she wakes or fuggedaboudit?

So we left for home on Friday. Casey and Ginnie wanted to stay longer but Kira and I were done and it’s my goddamn car. We tried to meet up with @aranel13 on the way back through the Houston area but apparently she sleeps until noon or something. Hey, it was 8am this time instead of the 6am on the way out but still not late enough. We stopped at the Alamo for a while but drove straight through the rest of the trip.

• I miss my friends. Almost out of Texas and should be home late tonight.
• 50 miles to AZ! So tired. Love having multiple drivers.
• Quick shopping stop for fireworks at Borderline Outlet. Guy closed early so I called him and he reopened. Yay Droid!
• Hello Eloy. You look familiar. I do believe we are getting close to home.
• Home.

When we dropped Ginnie at Brittany’s apartment, Scumbag wasn’t there. B looks like shit and ranted about her mother and step-father and even my Mom and how everyone is against her and she doesn’t even understand why they took her son. When they came for him she specifically told them she didn’t want her mother to have him and yet he went straight there, so Beth must have started the whole process and knows people and so forth. She’s always been such a drama queen. I don’t believe she’s in any real danger, she just blows shit out of proportion.

One of the first things I told B was that I wouldn’t lie to her and I wouldn’t lie for her and that she needed to stop lying to herself. She was responsible for her decisions and that she needed to get her shit together. I told her we were there for her but there wasn’t much we could do unless she was ready to make big changes.

And because Scumbag was supposedly gone for the weekend, I let Ginnie stay there.

When we went to my sister Beth’s house she had a houseful. Her in-laws were there, her step-daughter Mandy and her guy and their baby, plus my BIL Mark – who I’ve never liked. There was this whole polite civility about the whole visit. Beth joked and chatted with us like there hadn’t been YEARS of silence from her. Not much about Brittany but it was obvious that they think Scumbag is the entire problem and B has fallen under some sort of control. So we just focused on Damien and spent an hour getting to know him. He and Casey really hit it off.

Throughout the week we did end up meeting Scumbag Dan. After all the talk about how mean and hateful he is and how intimidated they seem I was surprised as hell by how little he is. Dude is like 4’2″! Wheeny! But apparently a bit on the crazy/stalker/creepy side and it’s “what he’ll do” if they cross him. Casey and Ginnie spent way more time around him than I did. But we all came to the same conclusion: Nothing can happen until Brittany dumps his ass and works on getting her son back. She’s deluded herself that everyone is against her because that’s what he says. And slapping Dan around – because he doesn’t deserve a real man’s punch – won’t do a bit of good until B decides to leave him. I managed to make a couple of snide comments about how a REAL MAN takes care of his children and gee, maybe getting a real job instead of spending hours trying to get over on the system or applying for SSAN and grants because he has sooooo many issues. Yeah, mental ones. But he didn’t say shit to me and I didn’t get a chance to get all up in his face. Pity.

And Damien (or Gabriel as Beth and Bunch insist on calling him) is fine where he is.

We spent another hour at Beth’s on our way out of town and the baby’s Ad Litem was there as well. I did mention a few major points that B had like she wants her parents drug tested because supposedly Mark abuses pain killers and I know my sister has had her own issues with drugs over the years. I also mentioned that B is confused by the rules and what she has to do because Scumbag rattles shit in her ear almost constantly. STFU Dan seems to be what everyone wants to say.

I wish we could have stayed longer and that I had somewhere to dump Kira so we could get all confrontational. It’s hard to start a fight with her underfoot and NO WAY would she stay with Mom or Dad. Personally I think Dan is all bullshit and if we had more time and could lean on him we could get him out of the picture pretty easily. Then again I didn’t see him go off so maybe he is fucking crazy. Either way, it’s up to Brittany. I told her when we left everyone in her family loves her and is trying to help and to stop burning those bridges just because they’re not doing it the way SHE wants.

Whatever.