Other than the breathing thing, I’m having a great vacation.

The trip up was just constant. I’d planned on taking my time and exploring a bit, seeing roadside attractions and what-fer. But realistically, I drive like a maniac. I’d pull over long enough to slap together a sandwich or take a nap and then continue on as fast as I could get away with. Completely missed most of Colorado (which I REALLY wanted to see) because it was dark.

Imanidiot.

Actually, with no A/C it was just too hot most of the time. Too hot to stop and wander around, too hot to sleep in the car, too hot. Plus you get to smell more of America than you really want to. I counted 7 skunks in Arizona and New Mexico. Kansas and Nebraska – of which I took mostly back roads – smells like cows shit and corn. Except Omaha smells like chocolate chip cookies… and then dog food.

The stretch between Omaha and Des Moines is some of the most beautiful country I’ve seen. Once I got past the rain, it’s all hills and green and beautiful old but nicely kept farms.

I got here Friday afternoon after spending the night in a room north of Des Moines. I needed a decent night’s sleep and a shower by then. Cara just kept smiling at me. It’s amazing how we only see each other about once a year but it’s just like we’re neighbors. Thank you Internet for such a great friend.

Until she tried to kill me.

Kidding. She’d bought one of those full-sized blowup beds and thought she’d aired it out enough, but not for sensitive old me. I didn’t notice the fumes until I was in it and too tired to venture far. So by morning I was guppying for air and by nightfall I was in the local VA emergency room. Much better now with my own (different brand – no fumes) blowup mattress in my own cat-free room.

Sunday was spent at the Ren Fest. Hot, humid, fun. Hung with Wickedgroovy Heather too. Pictures up on Flickr.

Pretty much vegging this week while she’s at work. It’s nice to just sit, even WITH all the drama going on at home. I can’t do much so they’re all handling their issues on their own. But that’s for another post.

Tonight is my tweetup. I’ll see old friends and spend time getting to know a couple more IRL strangers/virtual friends.

Tomorrow we’ll plan out the weekend which will include tubing, and may include State Fair? Horseback Riding? Camping? Movies? Dunno.

I should probably leave Monday morning. And my hoped-for second half of a vacation… the SEXcation doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. He’s not in Cincinnati anymore and I really don’t want to venture further East. That just make the drive back that much further too. Dammit.

I’m trying to move my blog over from where it WAS hosted to Page.ly.

according to this month’s More magazine. Yes, I have one and only one magazine subscription and it’s for women over 40. Cuz I’ve been over forty for quite some time now.

(And I’ll be paraphrasing for brevity)

1. Don’t wear a watch. I stopped wearing a watch last January because it clunks on my laptop. Where I once was a stickler for being on time, I find I rarely need to pay attention to exact time anymore. I even have to look up the date when I need to know it.

2. Don’t talk about history. Nobody cares about personal memories of my youth. I need to work on this one more.

3. Avoid Direct Confrontation. I cry bullshit on this one. They suggest passive-aggresive whiny ass negotiation. I say politely tell people when you feel they need to do something differently. Yeah, I realize I need to work on the politely part.

4. Don’t Voice Mail. Blow up someone’s phone if you want their attention, and text as a last resort. I prefer not to talk on the phone; I don’t bother to answer if I don’t recognize the number. I prefer text conversations but if you must call, leave an identifier voice message and I’ll probably call you back.

5. Don’t Cook a Roast because only OLD people make roast. Well, I cheat and buy Hormel‘s 4 minute roast beef au jus and throw in some instant potatoes. We like roast!

6. Wax yer crotch. Hey, it’s been a long time since anyone’s been down there so how is anyone to know? I reserve the right to keep my bush as it was meant to be. If you want prepubescent pube areas go for it. I have reason to know child molesters prefer it that way. Oops, just broke rule #2 again.

7-14. Don’t get to work early, don’t feed everyone, don’t watch the time clock, don’t brag about your achievements, don’t be tough, get out of your chair and move around, don’t plan too far ahead, don’t remember everything. Forget old-fashioned professionalism I guess.

15. No Lame Parenting Advice. Shyeah. Right. Have you met my (adult) kids?

16. Don’t be the fuddy-duddy. I gave that up in my divorce.

17. Don’t Block the Aisle. Seriously! And back at you young people, don’t walk down the center of the parking lot aisles or I’ll be tempted to run your skinny ass over.

18-19. Type with your thumbs and don’t yell into your phone.

20. Don’t Fear the Teenager. Just slap ‘em around.

21. Cancel the old people touristy/retirement stuff. Party on!

——–

Edited to add: If I hadn’t been writing this while SmallChild was “doing” my hair I would have remembered this part. My COMPLETELY bad.

This is a book excerpt in More magazine of a book with the same title How Not to Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran. I did look for linkage on the More site before I started, but forgot to keep looking when I didn’t find anything.

______

Edited again: Upon further research this book is actually a compilation (I don’t thinks that’s the word I want but you get it) of a blog called How Not to Act Old to which I have now subscribed. I need all the help I can get.

Max called me Monday morning (and I had a post up here but Casey closed my browser and lost it) and I’ve got a bit of an update.

Tentatively, he and Kela will be here on leave mid-August. He’s not sure of the dates yet. And better yet, sometime in the first two weeks of December he wants to fly us and some of his best friends out to Hawaii for his – get this – wedding.

This is Kela and Max from someone else’s wedding. Probably the best picture I have of them.

Because I post more on twitter than here:

• 20:49 The sky is falling! Dumping a shit-ton of water. #
• 20:51 Drove through it in Tempe then got ahead of it before it hit here at home. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter

You’re only a day away.

8:15 tomorrow morning, Ginnie and I are off to HAWAII! Honolulu even! For a week. Max did buy the return tickets to we’ll be back in around Midnight on the 19th.

But still, a free week in Hawaii? No problem.

I got my replacement phone so I’m going to TRY to post pics. And Max has a laptop so I won’t be totally cut off. We’re planning Pearl Harbor and some of the Lost sites. And the beach, of COURSE the beaches.

So today I’m packing. Ain’t done shit up til today. Laundry is running, and I think I’ve figured out the bottled beer thing. If it explodes, oh well. I double wrapped it in garbage bags. I’m checking the suitcase and the rules say it’s fine to check. Non stop flight so I’m hoping they won’t lose my bag. Keeping my drugs with me in my carry-on backpack just in case. Wouldn’t do to get there and have an attack.

I’m so excited!

On the radio (yeah, I still listen to the radio in the car) Bill said something like “Other than the Pope, Muhammad Ali is one of the most recognizable people on the planet.”

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t recognize the Pope if he shuffled up and blessed me. Even in the dress and with the entourage. Okay, I might get a clue from the halo but I wouldn’t be sure. But is there anyone in the world who doesn’t know what Muhammad Ali looks like, even now that’s he’s so old and decrepit?

For your edification:

Wow, is that a skinny Shaq there behind Ali?

Instructions: Open up your iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarrassing the responses might be.

How many songs total: 4144
How many hours or days of music: 12 days

Most recently played: “Awakening”, Darrell Labrado
Most played: “Fix You”, Coldplay
Most recently added: “The Lady is a Vamp”, Spice Girls

Sort by song title:
First Song: “A-You’re Adorable”, John Lithgow
Last Song: “40 Miles from the Sun”, Bush

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: My bumper from the old Wingin’ It, 0:07
Longest Song: “Mountain Jam [Live]“, The Allman Brothers Band, 33:41

Sort by album:
First album: Abbey Road, The Beatles
Last album: Zoolander Soundtrack

First song that comes up on Shuffle: “The Way We Used To Do”, John Cruz, Acoustic Soul

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death – 2
Life – 133
Love – 238
Hate – 6
You – 579
Sex – 20

——
This doesn’t take into consideration all the podcasts I have. I’ve 96 podcasts I haven’t listened to yet, 2.2 day total.

I don’t recall ever using the word “awesome” unless I was mocking someone else.

And he’s doing much better. They finally have him medicated at the right levels so he can keep food down so I ran out and got him fast food. He ate a bit of that and we chatted for a while. I met a couple of his doctors and it seems he’s in good hands. Maybe, probably, they might start his chemo late tomorrow, so he might-probably-maybe should be back to Michael’s by the weekend if everything goes well. You know how that goes. I think medical people would spontaneously explode if they committed to anything definite.

I’m planning on going back up there tomorrow morning after Buck’s court thing.