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Personal
Personal stuff about me and my family.
Sleeping is overrated, right?
Mar 27th
First I went through my “I can sleep and stay up whenever I want cuz I’m a grown-up” stage a couple of weeks ago. Up til 3:30 am and taking multiple naps during the day. Turns out I completely screwed up my medication schedule so I had to drop that. I still stay up way too late – out of choice – but wake up way too early – NOT by choice. I’m pretty sure I’m a night owl but I think there’s a conspiracy to wake me up at seven every morning, whether I want to or not. And I don’t sleep well when I DO sleep.
There’s a metal track under the gate in front of my building that I don’t really hear during the day when the TV is on or I’m working, but at night when I’m trying to sleep? EVERY car that drives over it thunks REALLY LOUD… twice! And because this is a huge apartment complex and I’m in the front that’s alotta traffic.
Then there’s the school bus stop right outside my front door. Four different buses running between 7 and 7:45ish – kids making kid noise, air brakes, roaring take-off noise. Arrrrrrrgh.
And so finally I get used to all this and had a couple of good nights of sleep and sleeping in as late as I want! Yay.
Then for the last two nights they’ve been doing road work out on Gilbert Rd. All night. Multiple trucks backing up with their multiple back-up beeping. I’m exhausted. Every time I try to sleep something keeps me from getting there. I went to bed at 10 last night and still didn’t sleep until well after one.
Next payday I’m getting one of those sound machines I’ve always laughed at.
I could sooooo use a nap right now, but Casey’s on his way over to drop of Kira for the night and I’m certain SHE won’t be in the mood to nap.
Grrr. Arrrg, Shit. Shaddup, lack of sleep makes me whiny.
About Choice
Mar 1st
I’m fairly sure any argument you pose against choice, I have a counter-argument.
Life begins at conception. I don’t believe that, but if you do how about this? Women miscarriage every day. I’ve had two miscarriages myself. Doctors call miscarriages spontaneous abortions. The only difference is chance vs. choice.
They could grow up to be President or cure cancer. Seriously? Look around you. See those children whose “parent” screams at them or talks to them like dogs? The kids who have nobody paying attention to their behavior? Victims of child abuse or neglect? Jails and drug programs are full of miserable grown-up unwanted children. Sure, not all unwanted fetuses are mistreated after birth, but chances are if Mom didn’t want to have it in the first place, she’s not going to be too involved in it’s raising. Some people just shouldn’t have kids. Then why do they?
You could put it up for adoption. Well, maybe. There’s still a stigma to putting your child up for adoption. I’d say it’s more acceptable to most people to abort or keep and mistreat than to give your child away. A woman has two kids and gets pregnant again, she’s going to be pressured into keeping that child, keep the family intact. You’re an idiot 15-year-old and it happens? I’ve seen an unwanted pregnancy destroy families, destroy the girl’s future. What if you’re a drug addict? Is it better to birth what will likely be a special-needs child? I’m sure there are enough special-needs children out there looking for homes.
You should take responsibility for your actions. How responsible is it to bring an unwanted child into the world? How responsible is it to force your beliefs onto other people? How responsible is it to force women you don’t even know into situations they’re not equipped to handle?
Well they shouldn’t have unprotected sex in the first place. Sure. Right. And you’ve never had unprotected sex. You’ve never once chanced it? Liar. So you make a mistake and the punishment is… responsibility for a child for the rest of their life? Seems fair…not. To either the mother or the child.
Imagine a world where every child was wanted and cherished. Sounds marvelous doesn’t it? The only way that’s ever going to happen is when we stop coercing women into having children against their own better judgment.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s not a baby – a real life – until it’s born. Until it lives on it’s own. Or at least until it’s big enough in vitro to possibly live on it’s own. Then it has the rights all humans should have. Before that, it’s just a growth. And the woman who doesn’t want it ought to be able to choose to get rid of it without strangers making a difficult decision even harder.
Why do people keep sticking their noses into other people’s business? It seems to me that life is being wanted and loved. Being pro-life means you expect and berate women into having babies they don’t want. How is that a life for anyone? Isn’t it better to have 100 wanted and loved children than have 300 unwanted and mistreated ones?
Book Judging
Feb 22nd
Something I’ve had to change from my previous thinking, is judging people by their appearance. Actually, judging might be a bit harsh. Maybe “instantly compartmentalizing people based on their appearance” would be closer. Judging implies I also add weight to whatever I compartmentalize them as, which I don’t do as much.
For instance, in my previous life (before social media) I’d see this guy and my first impression would be motorcycle builder or roofer. 
Not that there’s anything wrong with either, but you wouldn’t expect as much intelligence with people in those positions versus engineers or CEOs.
But I happen to know this guy Derek. He’s like, brilliant. He’s one of the founders of Gangplank, he’s heavy into growing Chandler, and he’s apparently the go-to guy for Phoenix-area reporters when discussing local business.
He’s so much smarter than me that when we’re in the same room I just listen in awe and try to interject something amusing occasionally. Nobody cares that he comes to work every day in shorts and t-shirts and ball-caps and might not even own a suit. What matters is who he is, not what he looks like. (Though I’m not sure about that beard-thing, Derek)
I use Derek as an example only because he popped up on my TV yesterday. He’s just one of countless people that have taught me that appearances can be deceiving. I’ve met so many really smart, articulate, nice people that from a distance the old me would have pegged completely wrong.
I feel like I’ve been coming out of a fog in the last few years. There’s my previous life of… well, too many mistakes to go into, but close-minded and safe works. And now there’s my new life where I try really hard to learn from my new friends and stop making assumptions. But we all need to stop making instant value judgments. I’m getting closer to being a decent person myself, but I occasionally backslide:
I’m sure she was a really nice girl.
It’s all good… except
Feb 15th
First I moved my blog from my friend’s server to Page.ly. I completely understand the security reasons behind the pain-in-the-ass restrictions with my previous host, but I decided I’d rather pay Page.ly a minor monthly fee (I had a coupon) than hassle every update for free. And it’s all good… except my categories are all out of whack.
Then I moved me to a new apartment. Actually I didn’t move me, Ginnie, Tyler, Max, Casey and Kira did. Yes, Kira was a lot of help carrying little things, running back and forth on her little younger legs. I’m mostly set up here. I still have a couple of boxes of books and stuff but everything else has it’s place.
- The good: Brand new carpets and blinds throughout. Washer is a bit loud, but at least I have one. I have a fireplace! The place is pretty big, first floor, covered parking.
- The bad: Slight smell of wet pressed-wood from the (fixed) leaky kitchen sink that I hope will fade. I’m a little close to Gilbert road traffic, and I’m on a front corner so I get a lot of resident traffic, but I only really hear it when the TV is off. School buses drop off right outside my door. And I can’t figure out how to get the static electricity out of my new plastic vertical blinds in my bedroom, so I feel a little exposed. They keeps sticking together at the bottom and leaving spaces.
- The ugly: Dead and dying cockroaches. Little ones and BIG ones. I was told they sprayed repeatedly before I moved in and there might be some crawling out to die. Right. Every morning there are at least a dozen little dead ones around on the floor, but the BIG ones take a little more… encouragement to die.
But I’m breathing 80% better and I like my neighborhood more. Everything I need within a 2-mile radius.
The best part? I’m alone!
A Study in Virtues
Jan 12th
Are virtues in your genes? Or passed down through our parent’s teachings? Absorbed though osmosis from our environment? All of the above.
I got a bug in my head to think about my own virtues, so I wandered over to wiki to get an example of virtues. There’s a lot to slog through but I was especially interested in the list. That’s me, cut to the chase. You’ll notice I don’t count patience as one of my virtues. Anyway, I started going down the list and trying really hard to be honest with myself about what I consider my virtues. Let’s go with the first few:
I think ability is born in you. You either can or you can’t. Acceptance must be learned, and I constantly work on this one. My assertiveness comes and goes, as does my attention/focus. Sometimes it’s there and sometimes it’s not. Candor is me, hence the title of this blog. Caring? Mostly I care about people who try, but I have little patience or empathy for whiners. I’m charitable with my time… and money when I have it. I’m not sure what they mean by citizenship. I’m patriotic, and I believe in our Government though I don’t always trust it. Cleanliness? I don’t know why cleanliness is considered a virtue. Everyone should be clean, geeze. I can make a commitment as long as I’m not too disappointed by the people I commit with. Believe it or not I have compassion, but it’s a fairly new feeling for me. In the past my lack of patience meant I had little compassion for people with real issues. Conscientiousness goes along with commitment, doesn’t it? If you say you’re going to do something you damned well better do it the best you can. And consideration goes along with compassion. I’m still learning courteousness. I wasn’t taught thank you, it was just assumed. I’ve had to learn to thank people out loud. In fact, I’ve adopted Chief Brenda Lee Johnson’s “Thank You So Much” that I hear her southern accent every time I say it. I think I’m dependable. I try to be dependable. And I don’t really consider detachment a good thing, though I feel I have it the most of all of these. I feel I’m too detached.
I think I’ve either worked on or picked up most of these later in life. As I look at each one I tried to think of where I got it, whether learned or it’s always been there. I’ve always been honest and blunt, compassionate and charitable. I’ve learned acceptance and consideration. There’s a whole long list of virtues on that wiki page, but too much introspective in one post is baaaaaaaad.
What other “virtues” on that list do you think I have? Am I fooling myself in which ones I think I have? Be brutally honest.
I certainly know which ones I don’t have, such as forgiveness, optimism, self-confidence and sensitivity. I’m often told Atheists can’t have good morals if they don’t believe in God and Hell, but I think I do. At least enough morals/virtues to be a good person. I don’t hate, I don’t spread hate but I’m honest enough to admit I have a tremendous dislike of certain types of people. Okay, maybe I do hate a couple of people, but I don’t propagate or spread it to others. It’s more of a “that person is a waste of space so it would be nice if they went away permanently” feeling. Sure, I have compassion for people who can’t help what they do/are but I’m still impatient enough to not cut any slack to people who CAN help themselves but choose not to. And I don’t think that’s wrong.
Oh well, I’ve droned on long enough. Here’s to you thinking about your virtues and where you got them. Take a moment and look at the list.
What's Goin' On?
Jan 5th
Well… nuttin much.
Firstly, don’t post anything about Carol Channing. Seriously. I’ve gotten more pingbacks on that one simple snark post than anything I’ve EVER posted. Those Carol Channing fans are paying attention. Geeze.
And then, I ended up in the emergency room AGAIN Monday night. That’s 6 asthma attacks severe enough for medical assistance since last January 1st.
Then there was the continuing arguments with GirlChild. She finally got off her ass and completed the paperwork to start classes next week. Still no job but at least she made a move. She apparently whined at her brother and he told her tough shit. Grow the hell up and get a friggin job already.
I’ve applied for a new apartment back in Mesa on Gilbert Road. They haven’t let me know for sure but I think it’s a done deal. Moving February 7th if you’re not doing anything. *hint hint* And it’s a one-bedroom so NO KIDS moving with me.
I’m still perusing craigslist for RVs for sale. I wandered into a couple of dealerships and they’re all “you can’t finance anything older than 10 years and you need at least $20k down” so that’s not going to happen. If I get lucky I can find someone who will let me take over payments. Like when pigs fly.
Let’s see… what else.
I was supposed to have a meeting tonight to start a new business. I’m being pushed into it after a nonchalant conversation with a friend. I mentioned I’d like to start a business using my podcast producing skills in a different way and he jumped on it. Rounded up a couple of other people and we were supposed to hash/hack it out but he’s sick. Maybe next week. I’m actually getting pretty excited about it.
I think that’s it for now.
Happy New Year!
Dec 31st
Hopefully.
It’s been a long year, especially this last month. But I have plans for 2011.
Of course, I planned to start looking for motor homes today, but I have a sick little girl and it’s like, FREEZING outside. Arizona doesn’t really have weather so when we do it’s all extreme and shit. Yesterday people were reporting SNOW in Scottsdale and parts of Mesa. So I think I’ll wait til next week to get started.
Motor Home you ask? Well, the plan hope is to find a nice used class C motor home to live in. I want smaller space (so the kids can’t live with me anymore) and I want to travel so why not combine the two? My credit sucks and even though I’ve been excellent since my divorce I’m pretty sure my/our past history will factor in, so this whole plan might fail. But I want to try. Who knows, with the housing market sucking so bad, maybe I can find a deal somewhere. People trying to keep their house might like to dump their RV.
And then I’ll park it for the winter and travel in the summer. Sound like a plan?
And well, if that fails… I still need to get out of this apartment. It sucks so bad. If the neighbor showers or flushes his/her toilet, we have no water pressure. Fun when you’re standing fully shampooed in the shower and the water suddenly goes down to a cold trickle. Like yesterday. My lease is up February 1st.
So I’m also keeping an eye out for 1 bedroom or large studio apartments in Tempe, Chandler, or this side of Mesa. Casey wants me to move into their apartment complex. No fucking way. I’d never have a private moment again. His little friend group has taken over (4 apartments and growing) the dumpy little place and they all walk in and out of each other’s homes like it’s a commune.
A nice mother-in-law apartment would be nice. A decent converted garage apartment? Something.
I’ve been waiting all month to have the extra gas money for the driving around checking out places part and now that I have it, I also have Kira with her cough and snuffy nose all day. And then there’s partying tonight and recovering tomorrow. And then Sunday when the world shuts down. So I suppose I can wait til next week…
So Happy New Year for us all! Okay? Please?
Oh yeah, today is Max and Krystal’s 1st Anniversary. Hopefully I can meet up with them for 5 minutes or something.
Being Mean
Dec 28th
So a couple of days ago I got fed up and screamed – out of the blue – at Ginnie. Stop stinking up my house with your smoke, stop leaving the kitchen gross and get a fucking job by the end of the week or get out. Period.
I just went off like a bomb.
Big life-changing trip across America? Not so much.
Every day I mention job. Every day I ask her to do something around this house. Every day I say something about her animals eating. She’s just full of excuses. “I’m applying online” “I’m waiting until…” “I don’t have any clean clothes” “I don’t have bus money”
And yet when the boyfriend has money they eat it or smoke it. Actually I don’t have much of a problem with him as he gives me money for rent. He’s working and earning his keep. SHE is not.
Yesterday she spent the entire day out because her ex-boyfriend is in the hospital. I don’t care. Another wasted day.
So at noon today I called her out of her room and asked her what she was doing? Playing some stupid game, but she said she was applying for jobs online. Lied. I asked her if she didn’t believe I meant what I said. That’s when the no clean clothes excuse came up again.
“You should have thought of that when you went to McDonalds or bought your pot. Or the daily allotment of Tilt (or whatever her Four Loco replacement is) or ran back and forth wasting gas on nothing.”
And then I called her a prostitute. All she’s done in the last… since graduation is live off whatever boyfriend (or me) who will pay her way.
Well that effectively ended today’s screaming match. She stomped off crying and I feel like shit, but I’m sticking to my guns.
She’s fucking 20 years old. Long past time to be taking care of herself.
By Sunday she either has a job or she’s out. And I’m killing her goddam phone while I’m at it.
Weekend up and down
Dec 19th
My girlfriend CJ hosts a pot-luck breakfast and then has Santa show up for a chat with each kid and lots of pictures, but he’s not actually there for breakfast. So I went to pickup Kira yesterday morning to take her to Breakfast with Santa, as I do every year.
But of course – even after discussing it ad nauseam all week AND him shopping the night before for a new holiday outfit – everyone was sound asleep when I got there. Good thing I got there early. Little darling takes her shower (by herself don’tchaknow) and gets ready to go… adding the unfortunate hair accessory of her own free will.
The rest of the photo set are here, or just click the pic above. She had a great time, though there were way too many kids for her comfort. Once a major chunk cleared out she fit right in.
Then we went back to my house. Unfortunately. Ginnie’s fucking son of a bitch piece of shit old fart dog tends to piss all over my house when he doesn’t get outside often enough. Sometimes we find the spots and sometimes we don’t. All of the don’t spots have added up so much so that I can’t sit in the living room any more. Wanda the Witch’s Wonder Nose™ picks up even the slightest odors and she stops being able to breathe. Period.
So Kira and I opted for a nap while (after I was breathless from screaming obscenities at her) Ginnie attempted to clean the living room carpet.
FAIL
So yeah, it’s slightly damp and cool in Arizona this week and that makes it much worse for me. All that and cleaning solvent too! By late evening, even trapped in my bedroom (where the dog isn’t allowed) I can’t control the wheezing. So I made Ginnie take me to the VA hospital before I – you know – died.
When I go into the emergency room anywhere with an asthma attack certain things always happen:
- I always get right in: no triage – no waiting room.
- I always get a breathing treatment immediately.
- Sometimes I’m sent to get chest X-ray, last night they came to me.
- Usually they take blood samples. Sometimes I get an IV for meds.
- Sometimes there is a second or third breathing treatment.
- I almost always leave with prednisone and an antibiotic.
Last night the Doctor (or highest medical on the food chain – nobody tells you who they are) got froggy and ordered an Arterial Blood Gas. Let me tell you, you NEVER want one of those.
First of all, the wonderfully nice but inept nurse butchered my left arm trying to put in the IV before moving to my right wrist – which I HATE because then there’s never any comfortable rest for your hand. Then the respiratory guy (with 15 years experience he’s never had any trouble *rolleyes*) comes down for the ABG from hell. Okay, they have to dig in and find an artery – I get that – but dig is the operative word here. First he tried my left wrist. I tried not to scream too loudly and kept my language non-personal. When that didn’t work he moved to my right arm and I got a little more personal.
I really don’t know if his mother was a bitch or a whore but he certainly was the son of one. And he fucked his mother frequently. So that’s when he gave up and called in reinforcements.
Look, I’m not afraid of needles. On a good day I breeze right through this shit. But as tense as every muscle in my body was after struggling to breathe my blood vessels were apparently just as tense. Oh well.
Reinforcement Tom/Ray/Bob/Some short name popped in and managed to get the ABG out of my arm without too much time or discomfort. I offered to blow him as thanks but he declined. I did tell him to flag my chart so they’d call him if I ever needed to do this again.
By the time it was all over and done I looked like I’d been through a war.
Just not feeling it
Dec 12th
I’ve said in previous years that I wasn’t feeling Christmas but this year is the worst.
I went to my friend’s Holiday Show and that perked me up for a couple of days. But now… not so much. 
I dragged out my Christmas decorations… and sent most of them to Casey’s house.
I’m supposed to go to another friend’s concert tonight and I just can’t get up the strength to go. And I’ve overdosed myself on every Christmas themed moved on TV this weekend to no avail.
I’m just not feeling it. 
Maybe it’s because I have NO money to spare on presents so I’m blocking the whole thing. I even told someone the other day I was atheist and didn’t celebrate, not that it’s true I just didn’t want to get into that whole what are you doing for Christmas conversation.
Well yes, I’m an atheist but I still (usually) appreciate the sharing celebration of the time. I know Casey has a crapload of presents for Kira so I only feel slightly guilty I can’t get her anything. I think I do pretty well at picking out the perfect presents for people, but I’m seriously broke this year. Maybe I can scrounge enough to get groceries for a big dinner. But then I’d have to invite all my kids to my crappy, disgusting, teeny, horrible apartment.
I completely understand why Christmas is the biggest season for suicides. It’s really extra-depressing when everyone around you is cheerful and partying and you’re sitting at home feeling all left out and sorry for yourself. I can’t WAIT for New Years. I hate Christmas.
