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Personal
Personal stuff about me and my family.
Sorting Dead Guy Stuff
Aug 26th
So I’m here in Florida again. Mom flew me out here to help her clean out Orc’s stuff. So far we’ve cleaned out their bedroom closet and a smaller closet in the guest room. Weirdly, she has lawn and leaf bags big enough to use as body bags and we’ve filled two with mostly his clothes and some odd linens. There’s another full bag I took out today (dragged, rather) of trash. This morning we worked on their bathroom and gathered another regular trash-bag full of stuff.
This woman has enough shirts in her closet now to wear for an entire year. I cannot get her to sort through her own clothes while we’re at it. All of her paperwork is piled on the dining room table and I’ve been nudging her to plow through it and sort. I cleaned up the far side, but she gets snappy when I try to get “in her business.”
We both remember her saying “Oh, there’s my marriage license” in the last couple of days but now that she needs it (for social security) she can’t find it.
Not quite Hoarders as the rooms are all wide open, but there are the beginnings of piles here, there and everywhere. I don’t even want to talk about the kitchen. Pretty sure every food item is old, old, old because she eats out EVERY meal. EVERY.
But we’re getting along okay. I jumped on her because she often tries to take something out of my hand – like some 74 year old women can carry or move something easier than I can. I made it quite clear that I know when to ask for help and that my EX used to do that shit all the time to make me feel helpless. I hate it. I think she got it so we’re good.
What’s really funny is when she’s Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson it’s all good, but when I make a snide comment she stick up for them and tries to make me feel bad for judging them. I’m going to work on that this week too, though she’s never heard the name Judgy McJudgerson so I need to come up with a different pointer.
Hanging in there.
Know
Aug 15th
I’m not an artist. Oh, I can draw a tree or horse and you can tell it’s a tree or horse, but I really can’t draw. I can create a pretty decent elephant out of play-doh but anything more intricate than that and I’m stumped. I have friends who are really good artists – even make a living at it – and although I may not like what they create, I can appreciate the talent that went into it. I try, but I know my limits. You can tell when someone has a talent for art and when they’re just okay.
I can sing but I’m not a singer. I like to sing, but I know I’ll never be really good at it. Some people can’t sing at all, but at least I can carry a tune. There are so many people who sing for the joy of it, and that’s great! The problem comes from people who have an over inflated idea of their own abilities.
I can write in complete sentences and with acceptable grammar. I get my thoughts across fairly well, but this is about as far as I want to go with writing. I know I’m not a writer. I know actual authors, blog writers and others who can and do make a living at it and it takes way more effort (and imagination) than I have the attention span for.
(Yes Charlotte, I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with for, but that’s how I talk. Can you imagine me saying “for which I have a span of attention” or whatever.)
I know what I’m good at. I’m a good mediator. I know when a discussion needs to end or a compromise should be reached or the subject needs to be changed. I know I’m good at audio editing. I know what needs to go and what needs to stay and how the timing of a conversation should go. I know I’m a good driver. I know how much I can drink before I have to stop. I know I would do whatever I could for my family and friends. I know my memory sucks so if I forget someone needs to remind me. I know I’m a good person.
There are still things I’m not convinced I’m good at. I know I have issues with my self-esteem but I’m working on it. I’m trying very hard to believe people when they tell me good things about myself.
I’m actually trying very hard to decrease my overall negativity. Honest!
I hate that people often say “Debbie ain’t happy unless she’s got something to bitch about.” It seems to me that even though I’ve tried to stop being so negative I’m not getting any credit. Geeze people, give me a break. I’m trying. I know I’m naturally a negative person and I’m trying to change that.
I know my limitations, I know my failings and I know my positives. I’m still working on the in-between stuff.
What a great weekend!
Jul 24th
Which actually started Friday. I spent a nice day with Kira, dropping her off just in time for #EVFN. We tried a new place this time, Flanny’s, and though we ran out of room in our reserved area, it worked out just fine. From there some of us had an impromptu #DNPP. What a great bunch of friends I have!
Saturday I woke late, did some work, took a nap and headed out. Went to a friend’s backyard party where the only people who talked to me were the few I already knew. Which was fine – lots of little kids to watch (when they’re still cute) and interesting food I wouldn’t eat.
After that I headed to the Torch Theater where my friend Tyler joined the improv group to tell a few stories. Now that was fun.
It wasn’t that late so I went to Max and Krystal’s to hang out by the pool and have a late dinner. Came home and went to bed at 4 and slept til noon today.
I love my life.
About Manning Up
Jul 21st
I was in a conversation last night wherein someone threw my “I wish they would man up” comment right back at me.
Jerk.
Just kidding. He’s absolutely right.
Here’s the deal, #2 son has driving issues. I won’t go into them here (believe it or not I do respect other people’s business) but I’ve had similar issues in MY life. So he’s been taking my car to school every day this week. It’s not that much of a bother to me as I spend most of my time sitting at home anyway but it’s just another thing, ya know? He needs to get to school so I let him use my car. I could “man up” and say no, then he doesn’t go to school, fails and never gets a decent job. The boy ain’t taking the bus (it’s way far) or the bus-train-bus thing either. No car, he doesn’t go. Period.
The other son has a great job but his hours are horrendous. He has to be at work by 4 am which means every day is a struggle. Where does Kira go for the day? There are no day cares open at 3:30am, we’ve looked. I take her once or twice a week, his other friend does too when she’s not busy, and a neighbor takes her when she doesn’t have to work. But it’s all so irregular and not really good for Kira. She spends the night (who wants a knock on the door at 3:30 am) everywhere and anywhere. There’s no stability. He’s doing the best he can! What’s the answer? They keep telling him they’re going on midnights, but that’s been the word for weeks. So, he’s manned up by getting off unemployment but this great job is killing him.
The girl… well I absolutely can’t go into her issues here – but let’s say she’s doing the best thing for a shitty situation.
I wish my adult children were better off. I want to advise, but I don’t unless they ask. I want to push but they’re adults. I want to be more done (I know as parents we’re never really done) than I am at the moment but they still need me around. At what point do we get to be the occasional helper instead of always on call?
I don’t understand it. At my youngest’s age I was on my own, married and taking care of business as I should. I’ve raised them to be independent, and yet they can’t seem to get there. Is it the economy? Are other young adults having this much trouble or just mine? It seems so simple: find a good job, a decent place to live, and GTFU.
Oh my aching back
Jul 12th
Last Wednesday I sat for hours at Gangplank. My back hurt a little after that but eventually it went away.
Thursday night I had dinner with friends and the more I sat there visiting, the more uncomfortable my back got again. I stopped at the store for a few supplies on the way home and went to bed.
Friday morning I woke up before dawn with breath-catchingly acute pain in my lower back. Like my mostly right but also left lower back muscles were tied in knots. I barely made it to the bathroom without screaming. 
I tried icing. I tried heating. I tried stretching. I tried laying flat on my back on the couch. I tried one 800mg ibuprofen. I tried two 800 mg ibuprofen. Doing all that in micromovements by holding my breath and clenching my teeth.
All day Friday and Saturday were spent pretty much on the couch. Even my beloved recliner hurt me. I found the pain lessened the more I got up and moved but eventually I had to park my ass somewhere and the worse pain would come back. My bed made it worse and on the couch at least I had the coffee table to lean on to get up when I needed to.
Sunday was better, Monday was even better, and today I got up and managed a shower – I was beyond earthy on towards rancid – and went to the drug store and mailbox. Mostly now it’s just a dull pain with the occasional stab when I move wrong.
My back doesn’t like it when I raised my hands up to wash my hair, or reach around for the seat belt and especially that sneezing fit I just had.
I don’t know what the fuck I did but I certainly won’t do it again.
Independence
Jul 7th
I once worked with a woman in Florida who didn’t know how to drive. She and her hubby worked at the same place so he did all their family driving. And she’d never written a check before either. I was astounded she was perfectly happy letting him do everything for her. And it wasn’t a religious family thing, it’s just the way it was. I asked her what she was going to do if something happened to her husband and she just smiled and said her son would take care of her. She was in her mid-40s at that time. How sad is that?
Right now I know someone struggling with the leap of faith to leave her abusive husband. I know it’s scary to claim your independence but do you see the years ahead under the control of someone else?
I tried to raise my daughter (and my niece when she was with me) that is was perfectly fine to want a man but you should never need one. You should be able to take care of yourself and then add a partner, not depend on someone else to take care of you. Someone having control over you is a scary situation.
I woke up a few years ago and got my own independence back. I don’t think I actually depended on him, I just got too comfortable in that relationship and forgot who I was. Sure it was a difficult decision. Financially if I’m careful I’m fine, but all those things you think you need a man for? You really don’t.
I wish my friend would take her leap. She has a safety net with her children until she can set up her own independence. She’s a beautiful intelligent woman who loves to cook. I’m sure someone would hire her.
I wish my daughter would stop depending on a man to fulfill her. I guess the spoiled baby girl part of her missed the be independent message. She has all the skills to be a whole person on her own but she seems to have this need to have a man right there all the time. Or at the very least find one who can actually, you know, take care of her instead of wallowing in her laziness with her.
You have to be a whole person by yourself then find someone to share space with.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been now that I’m taking care of myself. Yes, I’m lonely for the companionship of a man who likes me, but other than that I’m doing spectacular alone! I’m not sure that if I found someone to be with that I’d give up my independence again.
I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right for one human to be under the control of another human being. Adults anyway.
Lonely Day
Jul 4th
I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can’t
go back to bed
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
Everybody knows that something’s wrong
But nobody knows what’s going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It’s shaping up to be a lonely day
I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Stupid adorable kitty
Jul 3rd
Did I ever tell you how much I dislike cats?
I spent the night at my son’s house last night. They have two cats, one that has learned to stay the hell away from me, and then there’s Snickers.
She’s a slow learner.
So about 4am this morning I crashed on the couch and Snickers decided to keep me company. Sure, as long as she just cuddled behind my butt I was okay with it. But every time I moved – to get a drink of water or roll over – she thought it must be time to attack my head.
The first time she landed over by the TV. The second time she did this cute backflip before running off to safety.
The fact that I’m only sneezing a bit this morning is a testament to my allergy meds. And my chest is only a little heavy.
Stupid adorable kitty.
Living on tuna
Jul 1st
The good news is my car now has functioning air conditioning. At least until the compressor totally takes a shit. Apparently it’s iffy. But at least I know Max can fix that!
The bad news is… over the phone “it’s seven hundred and twenty” sounds an awful lot like “it’s a hundred and twenty.” Go ahead, repeat those over and over and you have to agree. I misheard the quote and had a very happy day yesterday up until the moment he called me back to tell me the car was finished and the total amount. FUUUUUUUUCK.
Oh well, it’s only money.
D’ya know you can live on tuna and macaroni and cheese fairly cheaply?
Other cheap meals include PB&J and bagged cereals.
And now I must call and make the stupid car payment on this stupid car.
Rat’s Nest
Jun 4th
There was a time, 20-odd years and 2.5 kids ago, that I paid a bored neighbor woman $30 a week to clean my house (laundry, dusting and vacuuming mostly) because I worked and had a horribly long commute. She wanted spare cash and I couldn’t keep up with it all myself. Casey was just a toddler then so evenings and weekends were better spent doing other things than cleaning.
Now that I have Kira overnight maybe a couple times a week and my house is a wreck I’m seriously thinking about hiring someone to come in and clean up after her. This kid has more crap at my house than at her own! And yes, she usually cleans up (mostly) after herself when I ask, but sometimes we don’t have notice when she’s being picked up and BAM she disappears and leaves everything out.
As I sit here (in my laziness) my coffee table is covered in coloring supplies and snackage mess. There’s still pink bedding on the couch and the floor THE FLOOR is covered in a plethora of stuffed animals and small toys. Plus books, stacks of children’s DVDs, and little clothing in various states of dirtiness. We had 5 minutes notice yesterday that it was time for her to leave so no cleanup occurred.
*sigh*
I don’t want to clean it up, but – although I’ve never been a spotless housekeeper – I can’t stand it! My natural lazy side is warring with my natural organizational side. I have a meeting in an hour so I can’t start on it now so I’ll have to come home to it, just like last night when I ignored it after #EVFN. How many other activities can I find today so I don’t have to come home and clean? It’s the floor that daunts me. Bending over a million times or crawling around? IDONWANNA!
Damn kid. No, damn my own lazy ass.
