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Personal
Personal stuff about me and my family.
Independence
Jul 7th
I once worked with a woman in Florida who didn’t know how to drive. She and her hubby worked at the same place so he did all their family driving. And she’d never written a check before either. I was astounded she was perfectly happy letting him do everything for her. And it wasn’t a religious family thing, it’s just the way it was. I asked her what she was going to do if something happened to her husband and she just smiled and said her son would take care of her. She was in her mid-40s at that time. How sad is that?
Right now I know someone struggling with the leap of faith to leave her abusive husband. I know it’s scary to claim your independence but do you see the years ahead under the control of someone else?
I tried to raise my daughter (and my niece when she was with me) that is was perfectly fine to want a man but you should never need one. You should be able to take care of yourself and then add a partner, not depend on someone else to take care of you. Someone having control over you is a scary situation.
I woke up a few years ago and got my own independence back. I don’t think I actually depended on him, I just got too comfortable in that relationship and forgot who I was. Sure it was a difficult decision. Financially if I’m careful I’m fine, but all those things you think you need a man for? You really don’t.
I wish my friend would take her leap. She has a safety net with her children until she can set up her own independence. She’s a beautiful intelligent woman who loves to cook. I’m sure someone would hire her.
I wish my daughter would stop depending on a man to fulfill her. I guess the spoiled baby girl part of her missed the be independent message. She has all the skills to be a whole person on her own but she seems to have this need to have a man right there all the time. Or at the very least find one who can actually, you know, take care of her instead of wallowing in her laziness with her.
You have to be a whole person by yourself then find someone to share space with.
I’m the happiest I’ve ever been now that I’m taking care of myself. Yes, I’m lonely for the companionship of a man who likes me, but other than that I’m doing spectacular alone! I’m not sure that if I found someone to be with that I’d give up my independence again.
I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right for one human to be under the control of another human being. Adults anyway.
Lonely Day
Jul 4th
I could tell from the minute I woke up
It was going to be a lonely lonely
lonely lonely day.
Rise and shine rub the sleep out of my eyes
And try to tell myself I can’t
go back to bed
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Even though the sun is shining down on me and I should feel about as happy as can be
I just got here and I already want to leave
It’s gonna be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day
Everybody knows that something’s wrong
But nobody knows what’s going on
We all sing the same old song
When you want it all to go away
It’s shaping up to be a lonely day
I could tell from the minute I woke up it was going to be a lonely lonely lonely lonely day.
Stupid adorable kitty
Jul 3rd
Did I ever tell you how much I dislike cats?
I spent the night at my son’s house last night. They have two cats, one that has learned to stay the hell away from me, and then there’s Snickers.
She’s a slow learner.
So about 4am this morning I crashed on the couch and Snickers decided to keep me company. Sure, as long as she just cuddled behind my butt I was okay with it. But every time I moved – to get a drink of water or roll over – she thought it must be time to attack my head.
The first time she landed over by the TV. The second time she did this cute backflip before running off to safety.
The fact that I’m only sneezing a bit this morning is a testament to my allergy meds. And my chest is only a little heavy.
Stupid adorable kitty.
Living on tuna
Jul 1st
The good news is my car now has functioning air conditioning. At least until the compressor totally takes a shit. Apparently it’s iffy. But at least I know Max can fix that!
The bad news is… over the phone “it’s seven hundred and twenty” sounds an awful lot like “it’s a hundred and twenty.” Go ahead, repeat those over and over and you have to agree. I misheard the quote and had a very happy day yesterday up until the moment he called me back to tell me the car was finished and the total amount. FUUUUUUUUCK.
Oh well, it’s only money.
D’ya know you can live on tuna and macaroni and cheese fairly cheaply?
Other cheap meals include PB&J and bagged cereals.
And now I must call and make the stupid car payment on this stupid car.
Rat’s Nest
Jun 4th
There was a time, 20-odd years and 2.5 kids ago, that I paid a bored neighbor woman $30 a week to clean my house (laundry, dusting and vacuuming mostly) because I worked and had a horribly long commute. She wanted spare cash and I couldn’t keep up with it all myself. Casey was just a toddler then so evenings and weekends were better spent doing other things than cleaning.
Now that I have Kira overnight maybe a couple times a week and my house is a wreck I’m seriously thinking about hiring someone to come in and clean up after her. This kid has more crap at my house than at her own! And yes, she usually cleans up (mostly) after herself when I ask, but sometimes we don’t have notice when she’s being picked up and BAM she disappears and leaves everything out.
As I sit here (in my laziness) my coffee table is covered in coloring supplies and snackage mess. There’s still pink bedding on the couch and the floor THE FLOOR is covered in a plethora of stuffed animals and small toys. Plus books, stacks of children’s DVDs, and little clothing in various states of dirtiness. We had 5 minutes notice yesterday that it was time for her to leave so no cleanup occurred.
*sigh*
I don’t want to clean it up, but – although I’ve never been a spotless housekeeper – I can’t stand it! My natural lazy side is warring with my natural organizational side. I have a meeting in an hour so I can’t start on it now so I’ll have to come home to it, just like last night when I ignored it after #EVFN. How many other activities can I find today so I don’t have to come home and clean? It’s the floor that daunts me. Bending over a million times or crawling around? IDONWANNA!
Damn kid. No, damn my own lazy ass.
Balticon!
Jun 1st
Thursday morning I got stabbed on the way to the airport. Actually, there was a wedged plastic sword in Sheila’s garage and it caught my arm just enough to leave a mark. Flight to Baltimore was uneventful – I sailed through old-fashioned security while Arioch went through the super-sonic x-ray machine and will never have children and Sheila got up close and personal with a TSA agent while Evo recorded it for posterity. Picked up by Rob at the airport in Baltimore for the car ride to the not-Baltimore Balticon. Checked into my hotel-across-the-street and headed to the con.
Immediate hugs from some, not recognized right away from others. People pleased to see me. I was definitely pleased to see them. Especially Bruce and Julie, and A. Thursday evening and Friday day were SiglerFest dedicated to all that is the FD∅™ and Dark Øverlord Media. Siglerfest was cool and I won a Surly! Then we all went to dinner and then back to the hotel for drinking, where I caught up with more old (and new) friends. Donna and A and Sheila and I… never did spend enough time together.
JC Hutchins didn’t recognize me at first and neither did Tee or Mur. I didn’t think I looked that different with this shorter darker hair and new glasses but apparently I do. Also found MAinPA and many many other people I’ve known online and now IRL.
So… lots of drinking, talking, walking, panels, drinking, eating, drinking, laughing (oh the laughing) and just spending quality time with some of the people I like most in the world. Friday night was the awesome George Hrab and Triologic playing (pics and video on my Facebook) and Sunday night was DinerCon after we closed the bar. DinerCon was awesome, though Evo spent most of it over-intoxicated in Donna’s car. There were lots of people providing him with drink all night and he just couldn’t say no. Poor baby. I recorded on my phone but I haven’t had a chance to download it and see if it’s presentable.
Monday morning was full of bittersweet goodbyes and promises of future connections.
The plane ride back wasn’t bad just odd. They didn’t like my name at the curbside, and even after scanning my ticket at the gate, they called my name on the plane to make sure I was there. Then when I got home I found they’d searched my checked bag. 
And let’s not forget my cankles! For some reason my ankles swelled up so bad I could barely get my shoes on. They’re only this morning back to normal.
Anyhoo, I had a BLAST. My hotel – though across the street and therefore a PITA to get back and forth - was awesome! The Con was mediocre, but I had so much fun with my friends and new acquaintances. I can’t wait til next year!
Oh wait, I forgot to mention Phil Rossi’s band Ditched by Kate. Interesting logo, but the band was so not my kind of thing. I escaped almost immediately once they started playing.
False support demon
May 31st
There’s a conundrum we all face. We have friends that are creative in various ways. Those friends write books, make music, blog, bake or start new businesses – and we as friends want to be supportive, right?
But what if although you like or love a person but feel kind of meh or even dislike their product? Should you LIKE their work despite your actual feelings? Even further, should you spend money buying their product when you don’t even like it or have any use for it?
Moral dilemma #289. 
I do, when I can. But I get this twinge of hypocrisy when I don’t actually like whatever it is. I take pride in being honest but most people don’t appear to appreciate honesty when it comes to their passion. It’s only my personal opinion but when I’m asked what I think and I say (as tactfully as I can) what I think it seems to hurt their feelings. It’s MY failure to connect when I don’t like your music or book or whatever, not YOUR failure. Should I – as most people are pretty adept at – come up with false praise?
Damn, I hate being a hypocrite but I hate hurting my friends more.
And yes, I’m curmudgeonly. I don’t “get” a lot of things. I don’t like a lot of things. But I think that makes it more genuine when I do. I like person A’s music but I don’t like person B’s but aren’t we all like that? I can think of tons of music I don’t like (and I’ll bet you can too) but when it’s created by someone you know are you supposed to fake it? I never say they’re doing it wrong just that I don’t care for it, but that still seems like a slap in the face. I’m not creative, but creative people seem to take my dislike of their art personally instead of in stride, knowing not everyone in the world will like what they do. I still like THEM.
So should I fake it to be supportive (which I usually do when it comes to someone’s art) or stick to my avoid hypocrisy/be honest policy?
Integrity sucks sometimes.
On the other hand, there are times I like something but can’t stand the creator. I don’t want to support the person because they’re a dick or whatever but I really like what they made. Like, she’s a bitch but damn these cookies are excellent!
At least I try things and not dislike out of hand.
So I go through life with books I’ll never read again, music I skip over, podcasts I just delete without listening, etc. because they were created by friends I want to support and not hurt their feelings.
BTW you creative friends reading this? Don’t ask if you don’t wanna know.
She’s dead to me now
May 25th
I’m done. I’m not even pretending I have a sister anymore.
Not that she’s acted like a sister in oh, I dunno… YEARS! But this is the last straw. She kicked her daughter out on the street (again) with no warning but a “Get the FUCK out of my house NOW!” for simply posting on Facebook that she was spending time with her son.
I knew this adoption was a bad idea. It was wrong. I said that Queen Bitch legally adopting her grandchild after taking the kid away in the first place would cause Miss B lifelong grief. I said that going that far would take away the main reason Miss B would have to get her shit together. And despite that, she has. She got away from DanTheAsshat, has a great job and is going to school. She’s happy and doing great, and celebrates that baby. She completely understands she’ll never get that kid back, because the adoption was pushed through when Miss B was still the underdog. But he’s still her son. It’s not like he was adopted out to strangers, in which case my feelings would be different. Did Queen Bitch honestly believe she could adopt the boy and the connection between he and Miss B would automatically change to sister and brother?
How can a mother do that to her daughter? Tough love is one thing, this is just selfish bullshit. If I were there I would be over there in a heartbeat and tell her exactly what I think of her parenting skills, her communication skills and her overall fucked up mentality. She has never treated Miss B right (including sending her to me years ago after choosing her man over her kid) and has blamed her for bullshit over the years just to… what? And then she cuts people out of her life for not treating ALL the kids equally when SHE doesn’t treat all the kids equally? Stupid deluded cunt. Every time I think about this I feel like throwing up… and then shipping it to her.
About May 21st
May 17th
If you don’t know what the deal is by now, come out from under your rock and pay attention to the world for five minutes.
So for me, I haven’t yet pinned down my feelings completely. There’s a part of me that of course laughs at the gullibility (stupidity?) of some people, following along and especially ridding themselves of their worldly goods and campaigning on the word of one person. They sort of deserve what they get when nothing happens, and yet they don’t. People that gullible should be protected?
Another part of me wishes I had the charisma to start some false religion and get people to give me money and goods and treat me like I was something special. In turn I’d slowly and carefully turn them from anything biblical and eventually leave them high and dry and yet… smarter.
And yes, there is a teeny tiny part of me that thinks that if ANYTHING happens, at least that would answer the damned question already. Not that I would or could or even want to go to heaven. I cannot imagine anything more boring or eternally annoying to be stuck with religious zealots who’ve been proven right. I’d rather stay here or go to hell with the interesting people.
Different Atheist boards I read are coming up with all kinds of ideas. From staging a rapture to freak out a fundie friend (mean) to sincere volunteering to care for pets of those who are sure they are going to be raptured rapturized taken (humane). I’ll just probably sit back and chuckle.
Either way, I’m fairly confident I and everyone else who plan to attend Girls Night Out Saturday night will be there and ready to get their fun on.
And y’all will still be around as well. In fact, I can’t think of one person I know who’s acceptable by their rules anyway.
Big Sister? Big Something.
May 8th
I think I’ve mentioned that my sister hasn’t spoken to me in years and I still don’t know why. Oh well, her loss. I’m a great person to be around and fuck her if she misses the chance.
And there were years she didn’t speak to our Mother either. Mom is a difficult person to be around. She’s bitchy (yes, more than me) and snarky (where the hell do you think I get it) but other people just seem to LOVE her. Her friends and family think she’s great while we kids and our families know the inner bitch. I maintain a relationship with her only because it was one of the last things my Grandmother asked of me while she was still coherent… before the Alzheimers took her away. It wouldn’t bother me a bit if I could feel like I was left off the hook for that either.
The thing is, Mom has gotten better. Apparently being married to the worst human being on the planet has softened her and made her nicer. She can actually speak in complete sentences without snark now and is actually funny and nice to us when she works at it.
Then my sister’s daughter (the only child of hers that I actually have a relationship with) had some shitstorm in her life including a child that Beth ended up taking in and started adoption proceedings for. We visited a couple of times when I was there and it was all so civil so I never did get to have an in-depth conversation as to why she shut me out. In the meantime Mom (somehow) started short weekly visits over there to spend time with the boy. He’s too much for Mom at her own house and Beth won’t let him out of her sight anyway. And apparently Mom was on her best behavior during these visits to not jeopardize future visits.
So… now its been like 6 weeks since Beth has scheduled a visit or even answered the phone when Mom calls. She’s cut her out again with no explanation as usual. And now Mom whines to me during my weekly duty calls. And I chatted with niece on Facebook and it’s because Mom supposedly opened her mouth and said something negative about Beth’s other kids.
Fuck that. We all know who we’re dealing with. Beth is the spoiled brat who cuts people off with no explanation whenever she feels offended by anything. I even told niece to tell her mother I said she needed to grow a pair and have a grown-up conversation with her own fucking mother and stop forcing everyone else to mediate. Niece is in the middle, I’m in the middle and the boy doesn’t get to see his Great-Grandmother when he’s too little to understand all the past history shit. But she won’t… she’ll just carry on in her little world feeling justified in treating people like garbage. And Mom doesn’t even remember saying anything but knowing her penchant for snark I’m pretty sure something was said.
So on this Mother’s Day I’m left with a crying mother, a bitch for a sister, and they both live too far away for me to do anything but vent here and then try not to care. I wish I could be immature and just close any connection with those people.
I envy you people with good relationships with your family. Happy Mother’s Day to those that deserve it.
