so don't ask if you don't want to know
Personal
Personal stuff about me and my family.
I will literally kick his ass
Oct 23rd
On Thursday when Casey came to pick up Kira from me, he told her they were going to the zoo on Saturday. They talked about getting up early, googled the hours and rates, etc.
When I saw them Friday night he still planned on it. Wasn’t going to drink much because they had that zoo trip in the morning. Right.
When he dropped her here last night so he could go to a couple of birthday parties I sternly reminded him NOT to get too wasted, because he’d already put off the zoo until today.
So here she sits, all dressed and ready to go. She picked out special comfortable clothes and shoes. Had breakfast so she wouldn’t be hungry. Brushed her teeth without me asking. She’s decided she wants to see the lions first and then asked if the zoo had horses. I’m pretty sure the lions and horses are at opposite ends of the zoo here.
So the zoo opens at 9. I’m calling him now (8:25). Of course he doesn’t answer, but then again he seldom answers but usually calls me right back…
———-
Now it’s 9:20 and he still hasn’t answered (6 tries) or called back. I’m really pissed for her but there’s nothing I can do until I can get him on the phone. He shouldn’t have fucking told her he would take her and then let her down! You don’t TELL kids unless you really, REALLY plan on following through.
———-
Finally! He called me back at 9:30. The plan NOW is to go at noon. Smart plan in this heat but at least he isn’t completely reneging on the deal. Then I WOULD have had to kick his ass. Now he’ll just have to suffer through the heat and her being whiny and tired at the zoo. Serves him right.
Feeling sorry for myself again
Oct 10th
I’ll tell you what. If someone told me they were as sad and lonely as I am now, I’d give them all kinds of advice… advice I can’t seem to follow myself.
I feel so left out of everything. Even when I’m at events with my friends I feel like I have nothing to offer and hardly anyone talks to me about anything. My friends are getting together and doing fun things and I’ll betcha nobody thinks to ask me along because I’m boring? A downer? Have nothing to contribute?
My head is full of cotton.
Dammit. I hate this feeling. Like I could completely disappear and nobody would give a shit.
Needy.
I tried. A couple of times I’ve asked friends to get together and do something and people always have other plans, or do they? I shout-out I’d like to go to dinner here or there and ask if anyone would like to join me and no response.
I can’t keep sitting at home for days on end never seeing another human being, just waiting for the next friend get-together on the off-chance that I’ll feel more connected. I could maybe get a part time job to get me out and about. Where else do you meet people? Hanging out at bars is an option, but then generally the guys you meet hanging out at bars are not the kind you really want to be with. I don’t have any compelling interests to find a group meeting about those interests. I’m so fucking bland.
I’m losing it.
Fuck it, nevermind. I’ll deal. I’ll figure it out. I’m just lonely.
I’m done.
Planning waaaaaay ahead
Sep 29th
There’s so much I want to do next year and if I want to do it I have to start planning out the finances now.
- There’s The Reason Rally in Washington DC March 24 – giant maybe (Flight/hotel)
- There’s Balticon May 25-28 – absolutely (Flight/Hotel/Con Fees)
- Convergence – just the Skeptrack part – July 5-8. (Con Fees/gas to drive)
- TAM 10 is most likely in July – likely too expensive in Con Fees
- There’s Dragon*Con in late August – if I can convince Calla to go back with me (Flight/Hotel/Fees)
Seriously, Calla? What do you think of going back?
I wish I could just stay at the hotel as a regular guest, that way I could see the people in their costumes and hit the parties. I really have no desire to actually attend any panels or whatever. Maybe visit the dealer’s area – which would require a con badge. Not that Dragon*Con itself is very expensive, it’s the flight and hotel that costs.
It’s all about the benjamins.
musta been something i et (TMI)
Sep 20th
This is actually for my records more than anything.
I woke up around 3:30 am (again) with that gurgly feeling in my intestines. You know, that oh-shit-any-moment-my-body-is-gonna-explode feeling?
I got up and prepared: lights on, bucket near the potty, water glass and wet washrag standing by. Last time I had this feeling my body actually DID explode from both ends making a mess everywhere that – living alone – I had to clean up. So I was smart this time.
Except I was a little over-prepared. This time was not as bad as last time. I sure wish I knew what I ate that causes this.
Yesterday I ate cereal as usual and last night I went to Applebees and had a burger and fries. With a frozen lemonade. I seldom have lemonade so maybe it’s that? Is there such thing as a lemon allergy/sensitivity?
I’m a Grammi again!
Sep 12th
Time to update my tattoo.
Let me start with this: The reason I have not mentioned this publicly is because up until she left the hospital without him, my daughter planned to have the baby adopted. Very few people even knew Ginnie was pregnant. Immediate family and close friends is all. I didn’t even tell my parents until this last trip to Florida – because the baby was to be adopted out.
So last Wednesday morning (7:51 am) after an almost easy and very quick labor/delivery Ginnie had a perfect baby boy she named Jack. 
I was there to help her, her boyfriend on the other side and his mother standing by. (Yes, I got home from Florida just in time.) He’s beautiful. The adoptive parents came in that night and everything was on track until Ginnie left the hospital without Jack on Friday. Friday night was tough and by Saturday afternoon she had decided to keep him.
My heart breaks for the wonderful couple who planned to adopt him. And… although I think this is the worst decision of her life, I’m resigned that it IS her decision and resolve to be as supportive as I can. Her boyfriend’s family is thrilled (they were against the adoption from the beginning – hence my frustration this whole week with the pressure they were putting on Ginnie and BF) and they have committed to support Ginnie and BF financially until they can do better. For now I’m just waiting to see how this works out.
But like I said, he’s a beautiful baby. Very quiet and content and when he can keep his eyes open he’s paying attention to what’s going on around him. 6 lbs 13 oz and a 9.9 Apgar, as close to perfect as you can get.
This is going to be an interesting ride.
Sorting Dead Guy Stuff
Aug 26th
So I’m here in Florida again. Mom flew me out here to help her clean out Orc’s stuff. So far we’ve cleaned out their bedroom closet and a smaller closet in the guest room. Weirdly, she has lawn and leaf bags big enough to use as body bags and we’ve filled two with mostly his clothes and some odd linens. There’s another full bag I took out today (dragged, rather) of trash. This morning we worked on their bathroom and gathered another regular trash-bag full of stuff.
This woman has enough shirts in her closet now to wear for an entire year. I cannot get her to sort through her own clothes while we’re at it. All of her paperwork is piled on the dining room table and I’ve been nudging her to plow through it and sort. I cleaned up the far side, but she gets snappy when I try to get “in her business.”
We both remember her saying “Oh, there’s my marriage license” in the last couple of days but now that she needs it (for social security) she can’t find it.
Not quite Hoarders as the rooms are all wide open, but there are the beginnings of piles here, there and everywhere. I don’t even want to talk about the kitchen. Pretty sure every food item is old, old, old because she eats out EVERY meal. EVERY.
But we’re getting along okay. I jumped on her because she often tries to take something out of my hand – like some 74 year old women can carry or move something easier than I can. I made it quite clear that I know when to ask for help and that my EX used to do that shit all the time to make me feel helpless. I hate it. I think she got it so we’re good.
What’s really funny is when she’s Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson it’s all good, but when I make a snide comment she stick up for them and tries to make me feel bad for judging them. I’m going to work on that this week too, though she’s never heard the name Judgy McJudgerson so I need to come up with a different pointer.
Hanging in there.
Know
Aug 15th
I’m not an artist. Oh, I can draw a tree or horse and you can tell it’s a tree or horse, but I really can’t draw. I can create a pretty decent elephant out of play-doh but anything more intricate than that and I’m stumped. I have friends who are really good artists – even make a living at it – and although I may not like what they create, I can appreciate the talent that went into it. I try, but I know my limits. You can tell when someone has a talent for art and when they’re just okay.
I can sing but I’m not a singer. I like to sing, but I know I’ll never be really good at it. Some people can’t sing at all, but at least I can carry a tune. There are so many people who sing for the joy of it, and that’s great! The problem comes from people who have an over inflated idea of their own abilities.
I can write in complete sentences and with acceptable grammar. I get my thoughts across fairly well, but this is about as far as I want to go with writing. I know I’m not a writer. I know actual authors, blog writers and others who can and do make a living at it and it takes way more effort (and imagination) than I have the attention span for.
(Yes Charlotte, I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with for, but that’s how I talk. Can you imagine me saying “for which I have a span of attention” or whatever.)
I know what I’m good at. I’m a good mediator. I know when a discussion needs to end or a compromise should be reached or the subject needs to be changed. I know I’m good at audio editing. I know what needs to go and what needs to stay and how the timing of a conversation should go. I know I’m a good driver. I know how much I can drink before I have to stop. I know I would do whatever I could for my family and friends. I know my memory sucks so if I forget someone needs to remind me. I know I’m a good person.
There are still things I’m not convinced I’m good at. I know I have issues with my self-esteem but I’m working on it. I’m trying very hard to believe people when they tell me good things about myself.
I’m actually trying very hard to decrease my overall negativity. Honest!
I hate that people often say “Debbie ain’t happy unless she’s got something to bitch about.” It seems to me that even though I’ve tried to stop being so negative I’m not getting any credit. Geeze people, give me a break. I’m trying. I know I’m naturally a negative person and I’m trying to change that.
I know my limitations, I know my failings and I know my positives. I’m still working on the in-between stuff.
What a great weekend!
Jul 24th
Which actually started Friday. I spent a nice day with Kira, dropping her off just in time for #EVFN. We tried a new place this time, Flanny’s, and though we ran out of room in our reserved area, it worked out just fine. From there some of us had an impromptu #DNPP. What a great bunch of friends I have!
Saturday I woke late, did some work, took a nap and headed out. Went to a friend’s backyard party where the only people who talked to me were the few I already knew. Which was fine – lots of little kids to watch (when they’re still cute) and interesting food I wouldn’t eat.
After that I headed to the Torch Theater where my friend Tyler joined the improv group to tell a few stories. Now that was fun.
It wasn’t that late so I went to Max and Krystal’s to hang out by the pool and have a late dinner. Came home and went to bed at 4 and slept til noon today.
I love my life.
About Manning Up
Jul 21st
I was in a conversation last night wherein someone threw my “I wish they would man up” comment right back at me.
Jerk.
Just kidding. He’s absolutely right.
Here’s the deal, #2 son has driving issues. I won’t go into them here (believe it or not I do respect other people’s business) but I’ve had similar issues in MY life. So he’s been taking my car to school every day this week. It’s not that much of a bother to me as I spend most of my time sitting at home anyway but it’s just another thing, ya know? He needs to get to school so I let him use my car. I could “man up” and say no, then he doesn’t go to school, fails and never gets a decent job. The boy ain’t taking the bus (it’s way far) or the bus-train-bus thing either. No car, he doesn’t go. Period.
The other son has a great job but his hours are horrendous. He has to be at work by 4 am which means every day is a struggle. Where does Kira go for the day? There are no day cares open at 3:30am, we’ve looked. I take her once or twice a week, his other friend does too when she’s not busy, and a neighbor takes her when she doesn’t have to work. But it’s all so irregular and not really good for Kira. She spends the night (who wants a knock on the door at 3:30 am) everywhere and anywhere. There’s no stability. He’s doing the best he can! What’s the answer? They keep telling him they’re going on midnights, but that’s been the word for weeks. So, he’s manned up by getting off unemployment but this great job is killing him.
The girl… well I absolutely can’t go into her issues here – but let’s say she’s doing the best thing for a shitty situation.
I wish my adult children were better off. I want to advise, but I don’t unless they ask. I want to push but they’re adults. I want to be more done (I know as parents we’re never really done) than I am at the moment but they still need me around. At what point do we get to be the occasional helper instead of always on call?
I don’t understand it. At my youngest’s age I was on my own, married and taking care of business as I should. I’ve raised them to be independent, and yet they can’t seem to get there. Is it the economy? Are other young adults having this much trouble or just mine? It seems so simple: find a good job, a decent place to live, and GTFU.
Oh my aching back
Jul 12th
Last Wednesday I sat for hours at Gangplank. My back hurt a little after that but eventually it went away.
Thursday night I had dinner with friends and the more I sat there visiting, the more uncomfortable my back got again. I stopped at the store for a few supplies on the way home and went to bed.
Friday morning I woke up before dawn with breath-catchingly acute pain in my lower back. Like my mostly right but also left lower back muscles were tied in knots. I barely made it to the bathroom without screaming. 
I tried icing. I tried heating. I tried stretching. I tried laying flat on my back on the couch. I tried one 800mg ibuprofen. I tried two 800 mg ibuprofen. Doing all that in micromovements by holding my breath and clenching my teeth.
All day Friday and Saturday were spent pretty much on the couch. Even my beloved recliner hurt me. I found the pain lessened the more I got up and moved but eventually I had to park my ass somewhere and the worse pain would come back. My bed made it worse and on the couch at least I had the coffee table to lean on to get up when I needed to.
Sunday was better, Monday was even better, and today I got up and managed a shower – I was beyond earthy on towards rancid – and went to the drug store and mailbox. Mostly now it’s just a dull pain with the occasional stab when I move wrong.
My back doesn’t like it when I raised my hands up to wash my hair, or reach around for the seat belt and especially that sneezing fit I just had.
I don’t know what the fuck I did but I certainly won’t do it again.
