so don't ask if you don't want to know
Archive for April, 2011
Mystical Science
Apr 27th
When my doctor went over my recent blood work results I was dumbfounded. Next time I’m going to have to record my visit because I just can’t remember it all, but the key points are:
According to the numbers I’ve been exercising. Really? Not so much. Sure, I get a bit more exercise now that I’m breathing better, but it’s not like I’m out there trying. More like walking from the parking lot without stopping to rest.
According to the numbers my liver is not handling my alcohol level well. Really? I have two or three drinks a WEEK. And I only started drinking like 5 years ago, so it’s not a long-time drinking thing. Fucking liver is in for it this weekend. (Vegas baby!)
According to the numbers my cholesterol is fine and my heart-related cholesterol is great. I’m as healthy as I can be!
She sees a few white blood cells in my blood, and something about fighting a UTI (which I really don’t remember having) so we’ll check again in 6 months.
All that misinformation from a few tubes of blood?
Actually, my breathing is great. I think I’ve used my albuterol inhaler once in the last couple of weeks as compared to a couple of time an hour like 4 months ago. I feel fantastic!
My blood pressure is iffy, so I now need to keep a chart. My weight is a little high (gained 10 pounds) but I blame that on the steroids – and maybe on the Butter Pecan Ice Cream I’ve used to replace cigarettes. What shall I use to replace the ice cream?
Maybe I should exercise more now that I feel better. Maybe after the spring pollen season passes because the only time I do feel any tightness is when I’m outside.
I’m telling you, when they first put me on 20 mg a day of prednisone I was good, then it was lowered to 15 and then 12 mg a day and I started feeling the bloating and gaining the weight. After Friday I’m supposed to go down to 10 mg a day and I wonder how I’ll feel after that. Though how I can feel more side-effects the less I take stumps both of us. Right now I just feel FAT though I’m sure that damned ice cream doesn’t help.
I really want to go back to smoking. Shaddup.
Want your own billboard?
Apr 26th
You can go here and make one like these, and if they really like it it could become a real billboard somewhere out there.
Let me know if you see my mug out there in the world.
My 1st eBay purchase
Apr 24th
Fuggin scmuggin scrurpy pigmussen schmussen pissed.
THIS is what I purchased. In black. Yes, I understand what faux means. I didn’t expect it to actually, you know, corset anything – especially my fat. I did expect it to at least circumnavigate my body. Not a chance in hell. I suppose I could replace the string with a longer one but then the back would still have to be open 6-8 inches – or my entire back – to make the front close. Somehow I don’t think you’re supposed to OR HAVE TO do that. Plus it would look like crap in the front anyway because the decorative straps would sit wrong.
After checking on the return policy – none, so you’re fucked – I went to leave feedback. Hey, I tried to be neutral about the seller, but get my point across in case the next buyer bothers to check before buying.
It says XXL but there’s no way I could get this to fit my XL body. The 2 straps on the front bottom aren’t long enough or adjustable, and unstringing the back as far as it goes is still 3-4 inches less than you need to close the front. Reselling
I also sent a message saying pretty much the same thing to the seller. Not that anyone selling massive amounts of shit on eBay gives a rats ass about what their customer thinks. But this el cheapo faux corset apparently goes over real well with the skinny chicks. Whoever adjusted the pattern to fit larger people seriously needs some lessons. There’s an art to making something designed for a size 2 also look halfway decent on a plus size AND making the pattern work.
I’m really pissed that I bothered to hope. That I expected something marked XXL to at least fit around my XL body. That once again, I got screwed by my own stupidity.
EDIT: Update. I got this email this morning:
I am sorry you can not wear it. The XXL waist full close is 32inch it could be stretched about 2 inch. Could you please retract the negative feedback then i will refund $10 dollars to you. Please let me know. I am very sorry about that.
A. There’s no way in hell this thing can stretch like that. Everything else in my life is an XL and I can get it on. Ain’t happening. So that’s bullshit, period.
B. Everything she sells says NO REFUNDS. So am I too much of a cynic that I believe this is a $10 bribe to change my negative review instead of a good faith partial refund on a $40 purchase? Hmmm, I think warning the next poor sucker will make me feel better than that $10.
Dear US News People
Apr 24th
Nobody gives a shit about the royal wedding. I did a poll.
In fact, most of my friends didn’t care soooo much they told me they didn’t even care enough to go to the poll.
We don’t want 24-hour coverage. We don’t want you to send anchors to report from the scene. We don’t give a shit. Seriously.
The most you need to do is post a couple of pictures after the event. Or report if anything goes wrong. Other than that, leave that poor boy alone. Hasn’t he had enough of you people in his life?
Signed,
Americans
Don’t wanna start no trouble here
Apr 24th
I was wandering through Walmart today and stopped at the really cheap jewelry wall. My cart was in the way of this Hispanic woman so I smiled, apologized and moved it out of her way. She proceeds to pick and choose a couple of earrings on the wall next to where I was when she said, “Excuse me miss, which do you think would be good for my sister?” She had 3 sets of dangly earrings, two silvery and one gold, all tacky cuz we’re in – you know – Walmart.
Inside my head, “How the hell should I know, who is your sister?” but polite me responded, “I’m not sure, what color does she wear? Is she a gold or silver?”
To which she replied like I was an idiot, “she’s my sister, she the same color as me.”
She thought I was talking about her skin color, not her choice in jewelry color! “No, I meant what color is the jewelry she wears now? I prefer dark colors and natural tones, my friend prefers silver.”
So she picked the gold set and we both wandered on.
In a nearby department I was pushing my cart down an aisle and a family bunch was in front of me. I politely skirted them but teenage daughter pushing their cart was blocking the end of the aisle. So I said “excuse me” just loud enough and she ignored me, more intent on playing with her hair than skootching her cart over an inch. I moved forward a bit and damned if I didn’t sideswipe trying to get past. To which she snarled “damn beyotch” and I responded, “well I did say excuse me” and kept on going. Apparently she bitched to her mother cuz over the wall I heard “she’s under 18 bitch, back the fuck off.” I just kept right on truckin’. Not my problem if the cow didn’t teach her calf manners.
Gotta love Walmart. It’s so fucking high class.
Oh yeah, Happy Easter.
Oh, what a night!
Apr 23rd
Though yesterday’s activities started later than I’d expected, it was well worth it.
First we had to wait around for someone to come get Kira. There was some miscommunication there, but eventually they came and then Sheila and I went to Lunch at Liberty Market (YUM!!!) and then headed to Sheila’s house for day-drinking around the pool. A pleasant couple of Strongbows later we gussied up and went to the brand new Mellow Mushroom where I had a The Caesar pizza (AWESOME!!!!) and then we walked the block over to Robbie Fox’s for the #evfn / party.
Oh Mr Deity! Yeah, I was a bit cranky because the space they put aside for us only had a small bar and they had to go inside every time I ordered another Strongbow. But once I hit about halfway on that drink, I was fine. And the regular #evfn evening progressed as usual with a bit of birthday wishing included. It was a combined Jana (tomorrow) and Jack (next Thursday) and my (next Friday) birthday celebration and I didn’t have to drive anywhere so I indulged. Oh did I indulge. Kathy bought my second drink, Vinessa and Patrick bought my third (I think) and Jana wanted to kill me with my 4th.
At some point the #evfn ended but the partying continued, there were cans of whipped cream introduced and much squirting and licking on everyone on the couch. I thought I’d have a hickie on my boob from Jana, but the mark faded. Evo went right to the point of it if you know what I mean. Might have been 10 of us with whipped cream residue somewhere by the time the cans died out. All this on an outdoor patio! Then I started flirting with one of the band guys unloading nearby and it was time to leave. I HAD SO MUCH GODDAM FUN!
Today has been busy too. Nice breakfast, nice lunch, nice ImprovAZ event where we dressed up sort of like Waldo and converged on Tempe Markeplace to screw with the natives. My friend Jeff was the actual Waldo and pics will start showing up soon. I posted a couple on my Facebook. Then I had Casey take me to get a new car battery (because apparently mine mysteriously died while I was gone for the night) and when he replaced it suddenly the A/C that has been dead since last summer came to life again. Sure at first there was a lot of clunking and grinding in the dashboard area which eventually settle down to a rhythmic thunk but even that stopped after a few miles/minutes. But the new battery took most of my set-aside-for-shopping-for-Vegas funds so I only got one new outfit and came home.
Now I’m going to take a long hot bath and crawl in bed for a while.
Use your logic!
Apr 21st
Subtitled: Stuff I can’t really say to people or they get pissed off.
First there’s those people who praise God or Jesus when they win something. So years ago God was sitting around playing what, Eeenie Meenie Minie Moe and decided he would give YOU this talent above the kid next door? Why? Was it random or did your parents pray extra hard that you’d be special? If it’s random, then why thank him? If it was because your parents prayed extra hard, then what about your other neighbor kid’s parents who are even more devout? They lost out why? Or what about the kid who had crappy parents and yet is just as good or better than you at what you’re special at? How do you explain an atheist ever winning anything? How do you explain someone of another religion – who you think is wrong, therefore less likely to be blessed by god – winning anything?
Logically God didn’t pick you to have an extra special talent and certainly didn’t arrange for you to win that Oscar or get to the Superbowl or pick just the right lottery numbers. It was either hard your own work or just plain chance.
And then there’s the people who – as they did with me – tell you your miscarried baby is in heaven because god had other plans for that soul. Really? Those are usually the same people that believe every pregnancy/baby is a miracle from god and abortion is murder. So again, god is just sitting around watching people have sex (creepy!) and decides that these few will get pregnant, and that bunch won’t. Rolling dice? Flipping coins? Eenie Meenie again? And then just about the time you get adjusted to having this baby – excited even – god changes his mind and takes it back. What an asshole! Why can’t he take the babies just from women who don’t want them? Wouldn’t that be more logical and right?
Believing god would give you a child and then take it away is just too mean to be logical. Loving a god who does that is illogical!
The whole prayer thing is illogical to me. If you pray, your cancer might go away. Or maybe it will take the prayers of all your family and say, 10 friends. No wait, this time we need an entire congregation to pray for 3 weeks straight and then your cancer will go away. Or more likely the doctors and nurses and medications had enough time to get it under control. Or not, and you die and then all those prayers were for nothing. But wait, prayer helped the other guy get better so it works! Right.
I know. I’m a meaniepoopyhead and I’m attacking again. Really? Try and make me understand. If you’re feeling attacked, defend your thinking, please! Do you just have this goopy gloop in your brain that repeats “God gives us everything, God is great, don’t question, don’t ask?”
I just want to leave you with this thought – though it’s not really related to this discussion – if Eve never ate that apple, would we be here today? Shouldn’t we be worshipping Eve?
Loose animals
Apr 20th
Yesterday I took Kira to Sea Life at the mall. I pre-paid for our tickets to save a few bucks, but It was still $28.53 for the two of us – pretty pricey in my book.
Unfortunately we arrived at the same time as a large elementary school group. I’ve been the chaperone Mom on many of these types of trips and I know, barring a few real troublemakers, that kids that age CAN behave fairly well if taught and expected to do so. In fact, teachers always seemed to stick me with the worst of the troublemakers because I could get them to behave. There were plenty of adults with these kids from Florence and yet they were the worst bunch of kids I’ve ever come across.
Most – not all – were pushing, shoving smaller children, running, screaming, pounding on the glass tanks, climbing on the exhibits, yanking on the teaching stations… generally acting like loose animals. I saw ONE adult trying to maintain some sense of order with the 5-6 kids apparently under his control. The rest of the adults pretty much stood around smiling and taking pictures using their flash – and it’s posted EVERYWHERE not to use flash photography because it disturbs the real animals.
We tried hiding in a (useless) little theater looping a SpongeBob Squarepants short about a pickle. Kids would run in and jump up and down on the seats and holler and climb over and then run out, only for another bunch of kids to run in and repeat. I kept slipping up and speaking out to these kids – NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY – but it was that bad.
What the fuck people? If kids from my school would have acted like this in public we would have immediately stopped the trip and sent them all back to the bus until they could show some control. It didn’t matter whether the child was male or female, black/white/hispanic/polka-dot, or alone or in sets, almost every kid in that group (easily identified in uniforms) was a wild freaking animal. It’s like the adults fed them sugar on the trip up from Florence and instructed them to treat the aquarium place like their playground. If I knew which school, I’d send them an email. Maybe I’ll look and see how many elementary schools there are in Florence. Can’t be that many.
We barely made it halfway and had skipped a few exhibits when Kira wanted to leave. It was just too overwhelming for her (and me) so we ducked out and went back a little later. Though it was much more enjoyable once the hoard had left, I was already worn out. And at that price, we’ll likely never go back. Oh well.
Conversation w/Kira
Apr 19th
Babysitting for Kira today and I had to run to Phoenix to the VA Medical Center for some bloodwork. So Kira’s in the backseat babbling about whatever when this conversation started:
Kira: Grammi, I think my Mommy died.
Me: No Kira, your Mommy isn’t dead. She just lives far away.
Kira: I think she’s dead and in heaven looking at me.
Me: No Kira, she’s not dead and she’s certainly NOT in heaven looking at anyone. Who told you about heaven?
Kira: Krislyn. Krislyn said god took my mommy to heaven.
Me: Well, some people believe when you die you go to heaven where god lives. Grammi doesn’t believe in god or heaven or hell or any of that. I think it’s all made up to make people behave. Either way, your Mommy is alive and living in Kentucky, not heaven.
Kira: So god is made up? Is Santa made up too?
(Crap crap crap now how do I handle this one?)
Me: How old is Krislyn? (she’s 5) Does she know everything? (yes!) Not hardly. She doesn’t know that much more than you. You should get your information from grown-ups. Kids tell you stuff they don’t understand.
Kira: OK Grammi. But what about Santa?
Me: Hmmph. Some people think Santa is made up too, but if you stop believing in Santa he stops bringing you presents so I keep believing in him. Do you want presents from Santa? Then you need to believe in him.
Kira: But not god?
Me: Has god ever brought you presents? Or anything else? I don’t believe in him, your Daddy doesn’t believe in him, and Aunt Ginnie doesn’t either. We’re happy behaving without scary stories to make us act a certain way.
Kira: Can we stop and get some chicken nuggets?
She was great at the lab, not wanting to watch them draw blood but otherwise cool. We left there and headed for McDonalds by Arizona Mills so she could blow off excess energy and then to the Sealife thing at the mall. Unfortunately we arrived at the same time as a rather loud and boisterous school group. They were sooooo loud and rude and uncontrolled that she wanted to leave so we wandered the mall for a bit before heading back to finish our tour. She loved it!
Higher Standards?
Apr 17th
Today I want to talk about THIS.
Let me say, my knowledge of the Catholic Church is what I’ve seen on TV and movies, occasional visits with extended family in my youth and links I visit since I’ve been on the interwebz, so correct me if I’m wrong… or actually only if I’m REALLY wrong. Let’s not nitpick, okay?
Let’s say you’re a young man and you get your “calling” and decide you want to be a priest. You’re involved with your Church (cuz I’ll bet not too many Catholic priests come from other denominations, right?) and you’re convinced God wants you to do this. Or your Mom if you’re heavily Irish or Italian. Whatever, decision is made. So you go to what, seminary? Priest school? You don’t just get OJT, you get schooling in the rules and expectations. Like a doctor, you get years of training before you’re let loose on your people. I would imagine during those years you discuss your vows more than once. Vows of obedience and celibacy are the major ones. Obedience to your church and teachings and celibacy is self-explanatory – although in the Catholic faith isn’t even masturbation frowned upon?
Then you’re all vow up – knowing the rules and the consequences – and go out and priestify.
Now, if *I* know this, chances are every friggin’ Catholic knows this and expects those men to be held to a higher standard. The highest, in fact. Catholics should be able to trust these men implicitly with no reservations. And usually they do. Tell them their innermost secrets, confess their darkest faults, accept counseling, judgement and punishment from them, welcome them into their families and homes without care, I’m guessing because they’ve been (supposedly) vetted and trained in all the holy rules and stuff. There’s more power over a Catholic family by their priest than any other person in their lives. If you’re Catholic or have ever been one, is there any other person in your life (outside of your parent or spouse) who has more power over you than your priest?
Am I right?
Now, if that man, who made the choice to get this training, who at some point believed everything his Church teaches him (including homosexuality) is wrong, who pretty much rules over his little flock – uses that power to coerce a child or young adult to perform sexual acts – shouldn’t that be considered even more heinous than if the average neighbor or teacher or uncle does it?
You can’t have it both ways, Catholics. You can’t believe priests are little hands of God in your neighborhood and turn around and say they’re just men. So they should be held to a higher standard and when they screw up, they should be punished at a higher standard too.
Their crimes should not be covered up or excused or the responsibility shifted to the victim. Maybe it’s different if Bob or Mary Youngster meets Joe DaFather outside of the Church atmosphere and find out he’s a priest before/during/after their sexy time. But if the Catholic Church says homosexuality, fornication and adultery are wrong, then those who commit it – especially priests – should be dealt with accordingly. And those are the adult “sins”. If a priest actually molests or rapes a child there should be NO FORGIVENESS. Higher standards means zero tolerance. There’s no second chances, no supposed counseling. No excuses.
And that’s all we’ve gotten from the Catholic Church since this started in the press. Excuses. Lies. Cover-ups. They don’t even admit they should be held to a higher standard, so why do Catholics continue to give them that power? It matters little whether some of these reports are from young adults who went along, or if all of them were children being victimized – it’s all WRONG because it involves someone who, either way, abused their power.
That’s why the Catholic Church has been getting such crap from the rest of us. Because of centuries of being beaten over the head about how special and holy and perfect and hand-picked by God they are, and then when they’re found to be human with horrible failings after all… we’re just supposed to be forgiving and forget. Sorry guys, you should have hung those pedophiles out in public instead of hiding them under your robes.
I wanted to do a paragraph by paragraph rebuttal of that ad – yes, that was a paid ad in the Boston Globe – but I think I’ve covered most of it.
