I went to a play last night with some friends in support of another friend. Nina was in this play Blackbird. Actually, it was her and one other guy most of the time. Very intense play. She was excellent in her role as Una.

The gist of the play is a woman confronting the much older man who had sex with her when she was 12.  It goes all over the spectrum of emotions, but shows how the event twisted her life afterward.

I’ve talked about being molested when I was very young. Like, it started before I was five. Uncle John Korte terrorized me for quite some time when I was little. I still don’t know how much that twisted me, but I will admit to openly having sex with too many men (yes men, not boys) from the age of 12. I laughingly say I was promiscuous, but the fact is would I have been that way if Uncle John hadn’t started me off early? Who knows. When girls tell stories of losing their virginity, I don’t remember ever having mine. Thanks Uncle John.

Is that why I’m so fixated on sex now? In actuality, I talk about it all the time, but it’s mostly talk. I’m not going to shag anything that offers, I’m not out hunting the wayward male, and I probably wouldn’t jump right in if asked by someone I did want. But it is always on my mind. Somehow I don’t think that’s normal. Does it stem from being indoctrinated early? And is it really bad?

I mean, I don’t want to only be known as trashy, sex-obsessed Debbie. But it sure seems like every conversation ends up with me saying something
risqué. I have been trying to roll that back a bit but I’m not having much luck. My “friends” seem to always expect me to have the one-liner to make everyone laugh – at my expense?

Hopefully I’ll find someone and be in a healthy relationship soon and that needy edge of me will fade back into the woodwork of my head. If I don’t scare everyone off first.