according to this month’s More magazine.  Yes, I have one and only one magazine subscription and it’s for women over 40. Cuz I’ve been over forty for quite some time now.

(And I’ll be paraphrasing for brevity)

1. Don’t wear a watch. I stopped wearing a watch last January because it clunks on my laptop. Where I once was a stickler for being on time, I find I rarely need to pay attention to exact time anymore. I even have to look up the date when I need to know it.

2. Don’t talk about history. Nobody cares about personal memories of my youth. I need to work on this one more.

3. Avoid Direct Confrontation. I cry bullshit on this one. They suggest passive-aggresive whiny ass negotiation. I say politely tell people when you feel they need to do something differently. Yeah, I realize I need to work on the politely part.

4. Don’t Voice Mail. Blow up someone’s phone if you want their attention, and text as a last resort. I prefer not to talk on the phone; I don’t bother to answer if I don’t recognize the number. I prefer text conversations but if you must call, leave an identifier voice message and I’ll probably call you back.

5. Don’t Cook a Roast because only OLD people make roast. Well, I cheat and buy Hormel‘s 4 minute roast beef au jus and throw in some instant potatoes. We like roast!

6. Wax yer crotch. Hey, it’s been a long time since anyone’s been down there so how is anyone to know? I reserve the right to keep my bush as it was meant to be. If you want prepubescent pube areas go for it. I have reason to know child molesters prefer it that way. Oops, just broke rule #2 again.

7-14. Don’t get to work early, don’t feed everyone, don’t watch the time clock, don’t brag about your achievements, don’t be tough, get out of your chair and move around, don’t plan too far ahead, don’t remember everything. Forget old-fashioned professionalism I guess.

15. No Lame Parenting Advice. Shyeah. Right. Have you met my (adult) kids?

16. Don’t be the fuddy-duddy. I gave that up in my divorce.

17. Don’t Block the Aisle. Seriously! And back at you young people, don’t walk down the center of the parking lot aisles or I’ll be tempted to run your skinny ass over.

18-19. Type with your thumbs and don’t yell into your phone.

20. Don’t Fear the Teenager. Just slap ‘em around.

21. Cancel the old people touristy/retirement stuff. Party on!

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Edited to add: If I hadn’t been writing this while SmallChild was “doing” my hair I would have remembered this part. My COMPLETELY bad.

This is a book excerpt in More magazine of a book with the same title How Not to Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran. I did look for linkage on the More site before I started, but forgot to keep looking when I didn’t find anything.

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Edited again: Upon further research this book is actually a compilation (I don’t thinks that’s the word I want but you get it) of a blog called How Not to Act Old to which I have now subscribed. I need all the help I can get.