2009 May | Telling it like I see it

Slumber Parties by Shauna

May 2nd

Posted by spellwight in Amusing and/or interesting

This is no reflection on the very nice lady who hosted the party. I think her name was Sherry. I’m so bad with names though I’ve met this woman once or twice before. She apparently does daycare during the day so there’s toys and kids stuff everywhere, which completely clashes with her husband’s empty liquor bottle collection as decoration. Not to mention the dead dear staring balefully out at us all.

So, Slumber Parties by Shauna was the event of the day. Okay, Shauna was polite and pretty and after telling us how she got into the business, she had a run-down on her private vocabulary for our private parts. What’s wrong with words like clit, vagina and anus? We got headlights, front door, doorbell, and back door.

After transporting us back to 1952, she started describing their products. Lubes and mists all including this mysterious thing called pheromones. Just Like Me Lubricant, Nympho Niagra, X-Scream, and Lime flavored Lickity Stiff. Coochy stuff? Like a Virgin to tighten your front door and Anal Eaze to deaden your back door, but don’t mix them up! Funny how the tubes look exactly alike.

OMG every time she mentioned anything anal you’d think anyone interested in THAT STUFF was crazy. Yet her most animated sales pitch, complete with hands and knees on the floor and wriggling, was in describing when you might need Anal Eaze. And nobody thought I was serious when I asked if the dildos were dishwasher safe.

Yes, I bought some non-silicone lube, something called Diva Dust so I can get sparkly when I go out, and a non-sex gift for my friend.

That was fun. I just wish I could have tweeted more. It was funnier as I went along but every time I started texting I made the poor girl nervous.

Would it be tacky to twitter during a Slumber Party? Sex toys!
The big hair girls are here.
she’s using code words for private areas.
This one woman is fascinated with the Tickle His Pickle book.
Wet spot dehydrator in a can.
Spread it around the edge of his helment and down the back of his soldier. Who writes this script?
She didn’t think my dishwasher safe question was all that funny.

Originally published at Spellwight.

amusing and/or interesting

Yard Sale Hell

May 2nd

Posted by spellwight in [...]

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I used to love going out every Saturday morning to yard sales with the kids. We’d talk about all kinds of stuff and they each got to take turns being navigator. We’d get breakfast out and if the morning went long, we’d stop for Hawaiian Ices. Sometimes we found treasures, DVDs (or rather VHS tapes back then) in good shape and a decent price, clothes but not too often. Used closed are seldom a bargain. Sometimes we’d get junk and jewelry and costumy stuff just for fun.

They don’t want to yard sale with me anymore. It’s too early on a Saturday morning after a Friday night. *I* barely want to go out but I did today.

Let me say, for all you who don’t live in AZ, there’s a small window of decent morning weather here. In what we call winter, it’s too chilly in the mornings to sit outside so few people have yard sales. And in summer it’s already 100 degrees at sunrise so you know, nobody really want to go out then either. NOW is a good time, the mornings are nice and breezy. So I went.

There was one sale where the woman had tagged every single piece of clothing with individual hand-written price tags with sizes and descriptions, as if you didn’t have the item RIGHT THERE. Can you say anal?

Directly across the street, there was a sale more like I’m used to where everything is thrown on a blanket for people to rifle through and everything was one price. I hate those. I’m not crawling around on the ground unless I get laid after.

At another sale today, the reek of cat piss and mildew was like an invisible wall about halfway up the driveway. The guy had a look like he couldn’t figure out why people would stop and walk back to their cars. Duh!

Not a lot of luck today. I came away with one really nice outfit for Kira and a plastic weenie whistle. Better luck next time.

Yard Sale Hell

May 2nd

Posted by spellwight in Stuff I forgot to itemize

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I used to love going out every Saturday morning to yard sales with the kids. We’d talk about all kinds of stuff and they each got to take turns being navigator. We’d get breakfast out and if the morning went long, we’d stop for Hawaiian Ices. Sometimes we found treasures, DVDs (or rather VHS tapes back then) in good shape and a decent price, clothes but not too often. Used closed are seldom a bargain. Sometimes we’d get junk and jewelry and costumy stuff just for fun.

They don’t want to yard sale with me anymore. It’s too early on a Saturday morning after a Friday night. *I* barely want to go out but I did today.

Let me say, for all you who don’t live in AZ, there’s a small window of decent morning weather here. In what we call winter, it’s too chilly in the mornings to sit outside so few people have yard sales. And in summer it’s already 100 degrees at sunrise so you know, nobody really want to go out then either. NOW is a good time, the mornings are nice and breezy. So I went.

There was one sale where the woman had tagged every single piece of clothing with individual hand-written price tags with sizes and descriptions, as if you didn’t have the item RIGHT THERE. Can you say anal?

Directly across the street, there was a sale more like I’m used to where everything is thrown on a blanket for people to rifle through and everything was one price. I hate those. I’m not crawling around on the ground unless I get laid after.

At another sale today, the reek of cat piss and mildew was like an invisible wall about halfway up the driveway. The guy had a look like he couldn’t figure out why people would stop and walk back to their cars. Duh!

Not a lot of luck today. I came away with one really nice outfit for Kira and a plastic weenie whistle. Better luck next time.

Originally published at Spellwight.

amusing and/or interesting

Cause It's the First of May!

May 1st

Posted by spellwight in [...]

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Thank you Jonathan Coulton.

I woke up this morning
I had a scone and a large house blend
And then a little conversation with my squirrel and chipmunk friends
I said I’m sick and tired of winter
And I wish that it was spring
And then a little fellow named Robin Redbreast
Began to sing

And he sang
Ooh ooh child, what’d you think the cold winter’s gonna last forever?
Ooh ooh child, now’s the time for all the people to get together
Outside

Cause it’s the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
The water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside

I thanked him for the information
I cried a little when he flew away
I watched an episode of The People’s Court
And I tried to plan my day
I called up my old lady
She wasn’t home so I called my girl
I asked her if she’d like to join me as I
Entertain the world

And I said
Ooh ooh child, I’ll bring a blanket and I promise I will brush the ants off
Ooh ooh child, you’re gonna like it when we’re taking each other’s pants off
Outside

Cause it’s the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
The water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside

So we went to the park together
We were walking in the midday sun
We met all kinds of people and we
We fucked everyone
We fucked a lady who sells ice cream
We fucked a man with a tan Shar Pei
Everyone who needed fucking well they
They got fucked today

So come on
Ooh ooh child, open your mind and your heart, feel the spirit moving through you
Ooh ooh child, you’ll feel the warmth of the love when I stick it to you
Outside

Cause it’s the first of May, first of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
So bring your favorite lady
Or at least your favorite lay
The water’s not cold baby dip in your big toe
Maybe I’ll see you in flagrante delicto
Grass below you, sky above
Celebrate spring with a crazy little thing called fucking outside

friends, funny

Cause It’s the First of May!