Archive for January, 2009

I’m losing it. I’m so pissed off I could slap the shit out of him. I’m tired of excuses and bullshit and trying not to set him off because he’s so fucking sensitive to criticism. Time to be the screaming mother again.

Why can’t I be done being the screaming mother?

Because he’s staying here for a couple of days, supposedly to use my computer and look for another job, because he’s screwed up at work where he has the best job A. of all his friends, B. that he’s ever had, C. that pays a ton of money and D. that put him on suspension for smoking a cigarette on the property. Possibly losing a job over a god damned cigarette.

Life, he’s just not coping well. He makes good money yet never has any. He’s edgy all the time naturally and now he’s practically vibrating.

He just can’t seem to accept that … as a single parent his personal life is over. That sure, maybe once in a blue moon you might get out and be yourself but for the most part she’s the priority. And it’s not just words. You can’t work all week and then spend every weekend wasted and dragging her around to all your friends for the party.

He’s not neglectful, but she’s got one small not-thought-out bag of clothes with her. Nobody took the time to plan outfits for days away from home, someone just threw a bunch of mismatched clothes in a bag. This is the usual thing. She has plenty of outfits but always looks like an orphan because nobody takes the time to plan shit out. Boots and one pair of tennis shoes with no laces, both sets of shoes too big. Two long sleeve shirts when the days are so warm. Nothing to sleep in. Typical.

Anyway, yesterday he went out all afternoon job hunting (just in case this suspension ends in him getting fired, he finds out Thursday) and came back with Daniel – who is also looking for a job and his wife just just just had their second child – and they tag-teamed my computer all night. Casey finally took Daniel home and picked up dinner, gave Kira a bath and actually sat still with her until her bedtime. Then he went out to another friend’s and was out til at least 2. The living room light was still on when I woke up at two. Sometime between 2 and five I hear snoring out there so I know he’s finally in.

Because at 5 I’m woke up with a crash. I robe up and trudge out there to see what crashed and he’s over in the corner of the living room where at first I think he’s looking out the window but I soon realize he is in fact PISSING. The crash was him kicking her toy tub out of the way so he could PISS IN THE CORNER. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

“CASEY! What the fuck are you doing? Are you so goddamn drunk you’re pissing in my fucking living room? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

He is confused and then horrified. He mumbles something about not being drunk (I don’t know, that or sleep walking) and cleans it up.

I can’t scream at him. I have a toddler sleeping three feet away and Ginnie downstairs who has to get up for school in a little while. I can’t have the conniption fit I need to have right now. I want to yell and throw shit and have the knock down drag out bitch session we both need. I’ve been biting my tongue for too long but that’s it. Today he gets it. He can’t keep going like this, like he’s on a tightrope. He needs to accept that he can’t party like a single guy and parent half-assed anymore. He’s been dealt this hand and he’s got to buckle down and be what she needs. Her fucking mother is useless. Last I heard she’s about to dump her two new babies on the state and take off for parts unknown.

I keep fearing any moment now he’s going to dump Kira on me. I can’t do it. I can’t afford to take her on full-time and I certainly can’t do it physically without help. So I need to figure out just how far to bitch and push him without making him just take off and leave her. He knows, he was raised to know what responsibility is, and he’s under the impression that he can have it both ways. No, you can’t and as soon as you accept that, and that and stop partying all the time we’ll all be better off.

Shit.

What is it with these guys? All of his friends. Jake’s wife just had a baby and he has no job and they live with her mother. Daniel’s wife just had their second kid and he has no job and his wife supporting them. Ben’s wife is due any minute with their second and he has no job and they’re living with her parents. Mike is a single parent and they live with his sisters. Chad has a shit job and bitches when he has to watch their 4 kids while his wife works full-time to support them all. And yet every weekend there’s a party somewhere. They all have enough cash for cheap beer and staying up all night.

I’ve tried all my life to avoid being white trash. I’m not starting now. I’m not tolerating this shit anymore. He needs to suck it up and get his shit together. That’s it. I just have to wait until Ginnie leaves for school and Kira is distracted and then I’m jumping in his shit.

I am.