Fine, I’m not fat. I’m chunky, big, chubby, overweight, padded, etc.

Why?

I don’t necessarily overeat, but I don’t make the best choices. I love mac and cheese, pizza, chipped beef in gravy, sausage-egg-cheese biscuits, clam chowder, onion bagels and cream cheese, cheesy sauces and pasta, etc. These are meals I tend to eat the most of. I’d love steak more often if I could afford it. Not a big fan of vegetables unless they’re covered in cheese. And I’m allergic to most fruits. Throat swelling and minor anaphalactic shock, or maybe anaphalactic startle.

I don’t get a lot of exercise. I lay (lie, shit I can’t remember which is correct) awake at night and swear the next day I’m going to get off my lazy ass and do some leg lifts and sit ups. Then I fall asleep until the next night to have the same conversation with myself. To be fair, with my asthma there’s very little exercise I can do. Hell, walking upstairs leaves me breathing hard. A brisk walk of any distance turns me into a guppy. I once joined a water aerobics class that I loved, but the instructor asked me to leave because I’d use my inhaler at least three times in a 45 minute class. Made her nervous I guess. I do park further away from my destination when the weather is cooperative. It doesn’t help that I’m naturally lazy.

When I think about my body image, I’m not chubby. Of course, I’m not svelte either. I imagine myself decently proportioned for my height, thinner and confident, attractive even. Then I pass by a mirror and see myself and think, “oh shit, look at those rolls! See how round your belly is, suck that shit in! And your ASS!” I don’t even look at my face anymore. I doodle with my hair and scan to make sure there are no boogers or dirt spots on my face, but I don’t wear make-up specifically because I don’t want to see myself close up.

I like the person in my head. I just wish the person in the mirror would match.