Telling it like I see it
so don't ask if you don't want to know
Notes from a Birthday morning
Apr 29th
I’m 52.
Kid woke me up an hour later than he usually does, but he’d apparently and very quietly removed his pajama bottoms, wrangled halfway out of his diaper and then played in the pooh.
Joy!
Daughter made me breakfast to order: scrambled eggs and bacon. She forgot the cheese on the eggs, but made up for it with toast with honey.
Kid likes honey toast. Especially Grammi’s.
Watching Monster’s Inc yet again, this time with critique of Boo. She’s old enough to be in a regular bed instead of a crib, yet she has a smaller vocabulary than Jack. She can manage to go to the bathroom by herself (and get in and out of the costume) but can’t say potty? She can draw a better picture of Sully and the bad monster (whose name I forget) than Kira can at 6. She’s gone from her real home for what, 2 days? And nobody at home notices?
Okay.
Kid is back in bed for a nap so now I’m going to try and get some work done. Let’s see how the rest of my day goes…
I just don’t understand her
Apr 24th
I’ve mentioned That Girl, my oldest son’s (wish she really was) ex-wife. Yes, they’re still technically married. He still hasn’t gotten around to actually divorcing her yet.
Anyway, I regretfully follow her on Facebook (her request this time) just to sort of keep track of her. You know, just in case she mentions she’s come into some money or is heading this way, whatever. She’s been in contact with Casey recently and apparently didn’t ask shit about Kira but whined about her own supposed medical issues and lack of income. Like any of us give a shit.
I just came across today’s Facebook post:
4 more days until the big 30 , one thing for sure is that I’m looking pretty damn good for my age. Alot of females gotta wear makeup and shit, that stuff makes you look older, I’m happy how my life has turned out, I have no regrets. —Â
feeling thankful.
Really? No regrets? You don’t regret abandoning your daughter? Or cheating on/leaving your husband? Or birthing twins from one guy while living with another? Or taking those twins after he’s cared about them for a year and sneaking off to another state and then adopting them out to strangers? How about having yet another kid who will be raised without a father? What is he, 3 now? Will you dump this one too? Will you regret that?
I just don’t understand how someone can be so… selfish? Obtuse? I can’t even think of the right word to describe her.
Casey and I had a long chat about That Girl. She did ask to speak to Kira but I was babysitting that night so she wasn’t there. So TG wants to call back and talk to her another time. Right. IF she does he’ll probably say no. Here’s the thing: Kira is finally at a stage where she seldom talks about her Mommy, just that she wants one. I don’t know what Casey tells her when the subject is brought up, but I tell her that some people are selfish and don’t care about other people and her Mommy just happens to be one of those. It’s not Kira’s fault her mother is that way and to not take her mother’s selfishness on herself. She has plenty of people who DO care.
The idea that Kira would ask TG all kinds of uncomfortable questions and put her on the spot sounds like fun, but then Casey would have to pick up the pieces. It would tear Kira up. Plus the stupid cow would say stupid shit and totally confuse Kira further. Because TG’s not like normal people and wouldn’t be sorry or apologize for disappearing for years. Who knows what would come of the mouth of someone like that? Because she has “no regrets.”
What kind of normal person has no regrets about abandoning her child? Or the multitude of other bad choices she’s made?
Normal people have regrets.
National Sibling Day?
Apr 10th
Apparently.
Well, I’ve only had one permanent sibling and we have a complicated relationship. She’s five years older than I and we’ve never really been close. Growing up she’d pick on me for a while and then I’d do something to get her in trouble. Like the time I almost burnt our trailer down playing with fire. She shouldn’t have had candles burning (against the rules) and hiding in her room with a friend (we weren’t supposed to have people over when the ‘rents were out). It was just a foot-wide burn spot on the carpet but she was grounded for MONTHS. You’d think that’d learn her. And there was the time she yelled at me to do the vacuuming so I whacked her with the metal wand and then locked myself in the bathroom while she screamed at me that I was adopted. Laughable considering Mom and I have matching birthmarks.
We tried living together in Florida when Brittany was a toddler. It worked for a while. But three adults and three kids was too much for polite civility. She didn’t speak to me for years until she wanted to send Brit to me as a teenager. And when she got her back she again didn’t speak to me for years. When we are forced by circumstances to be in the same place we would retain polite civility. Until Brit got sick. We did okay on my last visit, talking like adults and sharing but I have no idea (or illusions) of what our relationship is now.
I’ve had step-siblings. There was a little sister with Dad’s second marriage but I was a bitter teenager and resentful of this kid who stole my Dad’s affection. There was also an older step-sister in that marriage who I knew before Dad and 2nd wife ever met. I used to babysit for her but we’ve lost touch over the years. Mom’s second marriage brought an older step-brother but he was creeeeeeepy so I don’t count him. I’ve only met one of Mom’s third husband’s kids but he’s all right I guess.
The closeness some families have is what I have with my kids. My kids are close, both to each other and to me. We are the family I’ve always wanted.
Stop bugging me
Apr 8th
This is to all those pop-up masters out there. You know who you are.
I certainly don’t want to subscribe to your website BEFORE I’ve had a chance to check it out. I don’t want to blindly sign a petition even if I agree with you. I absolutely WILL NOT pay to see your content. I seldom if ever click through on ANY advertising.
You people are worse than used car salesmen. 
Ask people around you. Ask your family and friends. Tell me if ONE person appreciates being attacked before they walk through your door. Because that’s what it feels like. So your job is to annoy and attack people? Your mother must be so proud.
Isn’t there some timer you could put on those things so a person could at least peruse your front page for a couple of minutes BEFORE you start throwing shit at us?
I really don’t see how this method of advertising (no matter what you’re advertising) could ever work. There has to be a better way.
Me
PS It’s worse on games like Farmville. I don’t need a pop-up every time I do something. I don’t need your stupid “buy these” specials that run over the bottom. If I wanted to spend real money on your game I know where to go, thanks. And I don’t need to share every move I make. All 2 billion people on Facebook are aware of Farmville and have already made the choice to play or block each and every game. Stop driving your players nuts!
Regarding Equal Rights
Mar 27th
There are a few reasons I’ve heard so far against equal rights for the LGBTs.
Fear: Gays are yucky! What are people afraid of? That one of those yucky gays will try hit on YOU?
Say you’re out and about and someone walks up and tries to hit on you. For whatever reason you’re not interested and you act like a jerk politely reply with no thanks. What does it matter what sex you or the other person is? It’s so easy to reject advances nicely you can do it with anyone! Problem solved, right? I don’t understand what the big deal is. Although I have NO interest in a lesbian encounter I’d be just a tiny bit flattered if anyone showed an interest in me. I’d say no thanks and carry on. It is really not a big deal and easily solved. Grow the fuck up and get over yourself.
Fear: Gays want everyone to turn gay!! OMG! Seriously? I have no doubt in my mind that it won’t happen to me. If you’re a little more wishy-washy in your personal attractions, roll with it. Explore it. Be happy, not afraid. I also have no doubt in my mind that teh gayz have no desire to turn people. They just want everyone to be respected for what they are. Besides, if it becomes completely acceptable to be LGBT then they can find each other easier. Makes fear one above even easier to solve.
It’s unnatural. Bullshit. There are examples everywhere of other animals engaging in same-sex activities. Relationships? Whatever. Invalid argument.
LGBT can’t have babies! Again, bullshit. Lesbian woman get pregnant all the time. Science is awesome that way. Gay men can adopt or use a surrogate. And plenty of hetero people can’t or choose not to have children and are still allowed to marry. Besides, it’s not like there’s a population deficit. Invalid argument.
It’ll destroy the sanctity of Marriage! Tell that to Frank Sinatra (4 times) or William Shatner (4 times) or Billy Bob Thornton (5), Martin Scorsese (5), Larry King (8), etc. Or the countless adulterers out there. Divorce is rampant. What sanctity?
And then the big one: The Bible says no. Mostly some line quoted from Leviticus. Let’s wander through Leviticus and see what else the bible says no about.
- 7:22. You shall eat no fat of ox or sheep or goat. You follow that, right?
- 7:26 You must not eat any blood whatever, either of bird or of animal. Unless you’re vegan you’re burnt.
- 11 (other stuff you can’t eat) rabbit, pig, anything from the water that does not have fins and scales – lobster? Shrimp?
You can’t get tattoos or piercings. You are supposed to kill kids who curse at their parents. Adulterers are to be put to death. Can’t shave your face. The whole eye-for-an-eye thing.
I think we can agree that most of Leviticus is now bullshit, right? So why get all butt-hurt about that one rule saying you can’t lie with same-sex people? In fact, I think the whole Bible is bullshit anyway! But if you believe in it, why pick and choose parts? Why are some parts to be followed to the letter and other parts dropped like roach infested garbage?
Because it’s 2013, not 213. Equality will happen, sooner or later. What part of history do you want to be on? If you can’t shed your fear or bigotry then at least shut the hell up and quit trying to stop the rest of us from evolving.
Brittany’s Obituary
Mar 17th
It was in today’s Bradenton Herald:
Brittany J. Stephens-Kinney
ObituaryBorn on Oct 13, 1988, lost her courageous battle with cancer on March 8, 2013. Brittany is survived by her son: Gabryle, parents, Mark and Beth, grandparents Vernon and Bonnie Burt, Kenneth and Jan Kinney, Jean Leffler, her siblings: Kenneth, Amanda, Rachel, Kym,& Brandy. Brittany also leaves to mourn numerous aunts, uncles, cousins,nieces and nephews,best friend forever Taylur, along with an incredible extended family and many friends.Brittany graduated from Southeast High School and attended SCF. She worked at Sweetbay and Publix supermarkets. Although her time on earth was brief, she touched so many peoples hearts with her beutiful smile, warm heart, zest for life and intrepid spirit, Her parents deeply appreciate the prayers during the past 14 months, along with a special thank you to all of the medical professionals who compationately cared for her and tirelessly fought along Brittanys side. Memorial service will be held at Manasota Memorial Park & Funeral Home, 1221 53rd Avenue E. Bradenton , Florida 34203. (941)755-2688 at 2 pm on March 23rd. In lieu of flowers , Brittany asked that donations be made to H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center or Tidewell Hospice 3355 26th st. W. Bradenton, Fl. 34205.
Beth told me it was really hard for her to write and I can see why. The acknowledgment that Gabe was Brit’s son even though Beth adopted him and is raising him as her own. And she included our mother’s name even though she can’t stand her. Very decent of Beth.
But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t bitch about the grammar. Damnit doesn’t anyone at the Bradenton Herald edit obits? I mean shit, Beth doesn’t write as much as I do and can be forgiven her grammar mistakes especially at this time, but c’mon! Someone at the paper should be perusing the stuff people wanted printed and fixing minor errors before printing. I’m embarassed for my family. Pisses me off that something as important as an obiturary just goes out without editing. The family members who write them and send them in for print cannot be expected to be proper writers (especially when someone they loved just died) so a copywriter should be assigned to clean them up a bit, right?
Am I right? Or am I just bitter because someone as young as Brittany should have never died in the first place and I’m taking out on the paper?
Mini-Adventure at the Mesa Arts Center
Mar 14th
Yesterday I took Ginnie and Jack and Kira to the Mesa Arts Center for a free event called Spark! I’d shared a video earlier about this man-sized dinosaur and wanted to take Kira to see it live.
A short version: hot, crowded, lots of stations to make art out of found objects. Now I know why the schools were having contests to collect toilet paper rolls. A group of three people in different colors – meaning head-to-toe yellow person including skin painted, and a red person and a blue person – moving in slow motion. People on stilts. Live music. Too hot. Kids wading in the long fountain. Couldn’t get really close to the dinosaur area so Kira is on a hay bale at the edge. Dinosaur putting on an act but when it lunges in Kira’s direction she freaks a bit. So as it’s leaving I point out the obviously human legs and she’s relieved to find out it’s not real.** Too many kids. Blah. Done.
So I took Gin & Jack home and Kira and I took a nap and headed back up there hoping to see the dinosaur better. Too late but we wandered around anyhow. She waded a bit more in the fountain and then actually got to paint/create something out of toilet paper rolls and then over to make a maraca out of a plastic bottle.
Between the two art stations we passed a group of three black women and their kids and I overheard one lady say, “the white people are creeping me out!” I thought it odd and slightly offensive and it dwelled on my mind a bit. I admit I was a bit miffed. After Kira finished her maraca we wandered over to where the band was – and I’m still thinking about those women – and passed another group of completely painted people in slow motion. Guess what color they all were. Ooooooh the White People! Color me abashed. I can see where they’d be creepy to some moving in slow motion and all.
The last band was pretty good. Playing country classics and some of their own stuff. Kira sat right down front and loved it. We had a little conversation about the different sounds and how you can tell the difference in the guitars by listening for one sound and watching their hands to see who was playing it. She thought the singer had to go to the bathroom because she kept doing the potty dance.
We were out quite late but no school this week. Now we’re trying to decide to go back one more time for a better look at that dino or skip it and go to the movies.
** Kira has been asking me quite a bit lately about what is “real” and what is “fake”. I’m struggling between my penchant for no bullshit and a kid’s wonder at magic and fantasy. But I’m as honest as I can be. I figure if she actually asks she wants to know.
Absolute Terror
Mar 12th
I consider myself a pretty calm person. There’s very little that strikes real fear in me.
Dragonflies and driving on the highest part of a stacked highway.
Seriously. I avoid the 51 as much as possible because of that ramp that goes from the SB 51 to the EB 202 which just happens to be the way I’d have to go home. But sometimes you just have to go that way, you know? Every time I have to drive over it I stare at the lowest point on the road and drive as carefully as possible. The only one that’s worse is that one from the lower 202 to the I-10. That’s WAY too high. Sure, I drive through the discomfort and carry on but it’s not my favorite thing. My BIGGEST fear is breaking down on one of those damned things.
So the other day I was driving Krystal and Max out to the Cancer Center in Goodyear and there at the top of the mini-stack was a broken down white van at the apex of that ramp. Max chuckled, “that’s your biggest fear, right Mom?”
Dude. I started shaking as we drove in the carpool lane under that poor car. I cannot imagine what I would do if that was me stuck up there. Really, I can’t even imagine. I’d still be sitting there crying and hyperventilating! What the fuck do you do if your car dies up there? I’d be the definition of terror-stricken! Just thinking about it now makes my tummy turn.
It reminds me of the time I rented a convertible in Tampa to drive to Bradenton and had to go over the Sunshine Skyway bridge (Google it, it’s huge). Now that bridge never bothered me (my mom, on the other hand, is terrified of bridges over water – go figure) but this particular time it did. For some strange reason nature fucked with me and there were millions and millions of dragonflies swarming at the top of the bridge. I was freaking out. I managed to drive through it ignoring the thumping on the canvas roof as they bounced off, humming loudly to make sure I kept breathing and Ginnie holding my shoulder and talking me down. It’s such a long goddamned bridge it took forever to find a spot to pull over and have my emotional breakdown. Gut-wrenching fear and I don’t know why!
I mean, I know why I don’t LIKE dragonflies. I was in a friend’s backyard as a teenager and a swarm flew through and a hundred a few dragonflies got stuck in my hair. Freaked me out and I’ve hated them ever since. But the near-paralyzing fear seems extreme especially to usually calm me. Ewww-yuk though.
But the top ramp thing confounds me. I have a smidgen of uncomfortableness with heights but as long as I have something to hang on to I’m fine. I can’t approach the tilted glass floor (erm, I’m not a fan of glass floors either) at the top of the Stratosphere but the level above where there’s a railing? No problem. I’ve lived in a high-rise apartment and loved hanging out on the balcony. But those ramps are something else. Even the smaller interchanges like from the 101 to the 202 or the 60. As long as I can just drive it I’m fine, but the minute there’s traffic and I have to do it slowly I get queasy.
I absolutely hate this weakness. So now you know.
Regarding our trip to Florida
Mar 5th
Thank you to many of my friends. Let me start with that. To those of you who donated through paypal, someone got my debit card information on the trip (apparently) so as soon as I get a new card and know that issue is resolved I’ll be paying you back. Yes, I will.
The first hurdle was the rental car. Turns out I didn’t have enough $ in my account after all so another friend fronted me the money and is already paid back. Thanks Derrick for saving our trip. By the time we got that figured out they were out of vans so we were upgraded (for free) to a Yukon. Worked out great, plenty of room for everyone and all our stuff. Gas was a little more expensive than I planned for but Dad lent me money to get home. Dad will be paid back too.
The second hurdle was that Kira was sick. We hoped by the time we got to Florida she’d be better enough to see Brittany and she mostly was. At first we took the precaution of having Kira and Brit wear surgical masks when they were snuggly so that helped. The kids were pretty great for the whole trip, but when Jack was done he was done so we ended up one night at a motel just inside the FL border. On the way home Jack was in the third row because he couldn’t seem to stop bugging Kira. She was patient, but c’mon! And thanks to your donations I was able to get them both new car seats for comfort. Kira needed one that still had a back on it so she wouldn’t fall over when she was sleeping and Jack was still in a carrier-car seat and ready to move up to the next size.
The third hurdle was Texas. We never seem to get through Texas without an encounter with law-enforcement. First Casey got a warning for going 86 in an 80 zone. Hey, Texas got rid of those different speeds for day/night time but they still suck. Not 20 minutes later we didn’t make it through the border stop scot-free but that was eventually resolved. It doesn’t help that the nearby town only has about 6 open businesses and 5 of them are law-enforcement related. It only set us back about 4 hours. I fucking hate Texas. Seriously.
Jack, Me, Max, Bonnie, Kira, Ginnie, Beth, Dad, Gabe, Mark, and Brittany.
So, we got to my Dad’s and settled in. Unfortunately the condo Bonnie keeps for company was otherwise engaged, but we found room for everyone – mattresses on the floor for the boys and Kira on the couch. We took Ginnie and Jack over to stay with my sister and spent a little time with Brittany. The next day she was feeling frisky so Ginnie, Brit and the boys went to the mall to hang out. We got to spend plenty of time with her and made sure we didn’t wear her out. The next day they took the little kids to the beach for a while and we had a BBQ at Beth’s. At some point we all went over to my Mom’s to see her and have lunch but our focus was on spending time with Brittany. By Thursday evening Brit was done so we said our goodbyes and took pictures. We had a nice breakfast out with Dad and Bonnie Friday morning and headed out.
No issues coming back though we stayed in some podunk town in Texas for one night. We were just so exhausted nobody felt like driving.
That Friday while we were on the road Brittany went to her doctor’s appointments, MRI and CT scans, etc. Turns out her cancer has spread even more. Among the list (liver, back, collarbone, lungs, etc.) they found two lumps on her head at the hairline/forehead area and operated on Sunday. Because they had to cut open her scalp from ear to ear and the drugs, she was swollen so bad she couldn’t see for days and is still having difficulty breathing. She’s been moved to hospice.
We had a quiet conversation while I was there. She’s leaning pretty hard on giving up. Though she’s posted that she’s in hospice to rest and gather strength, I’m pretty sure she’s done with fighting. It’s just too much. But who knows. The last time she was in hospice (last June) everyone was pretty sure she wouldn’t make it out but she did. She’s had a year longer than they thought but she is the definition of riddled with cancer. And though she was fairly strong and active while we were there I could tell she was rallying for us.
We had a great visit. We got lots of hugs and got to say goodbye.
So… thanks again to those who helped us out. It was worth every penny.
Hang in there Brittany and know we love you. If you chose to stop fighting we support that too.
Weird Dream #514
Feb 27th
I’m driving just across town with an infant in a carseat… but she’s in the drivers seat and I’m sitting in the middle toe-ing the brake and untangling the bassinet ribbons from the steering wheel. But its only snowing a little. Then a cop pulls up behind me so I toss the carseat into the backseat and he drives on by. Whew.
Then its dinner at someplace I assume is my moms (never been there) and her second husband (who has actually been dead for um, 14? years). Plus Max and Ginnie and my good friend Cara and her 9-year-old daughter (she actually has an adult son) and my Ex. Nice meal – Ex serves but never sits or speaks.
Then we are outside on a patio overlooking what should be a beautiful yard but it’s flooded with river water. Suddenly the water drains away, Max and the kid go out in the yard she falls down and Max steps on a small owl running to help her up because suddenly she is 3. The owl pops right back up and mom says her antenna is under the coffee can.
WTF.
